Fuzzy Blue Lights

Alright, so I've been working for Tokio Hotel for a week and a half now. It's honestly hard to believe that I was jobless just a mere week and a half ago and about to move back to my home in America, and that I likely would have ended up living my life thinking some of the most horrible things of the people that I now call my friends.

First thing that I learned about one of the guys that Tom is not as much of a Man slut as you would think, nor is he an uptight prick. Sure, he has his moments, and even the rest of the guys think that he's had one-too-many one-night stands for a guy his age.

The second thing that I learned was about Gustav. He was a fun guy to talk to, and had some rather interesting things to talk with, but because he almost never speaks, no one knows this. He also prefers his privacy, which is why the guys don't just walk up and start bothering him. But, when push comes to shove, Gustav is the guy that you'd want on your side, whether it's for assistance, or just someone to let all of your secrets out to.

...Not that I would just go and blab all of my secrets to Gustav. I don't quite know him that well yet.

Third thing I learned was that Georg, indeed, is just a lovable teddy-bear that likes to straighten his hair. He has his mild Man slut moments, and I sometimes am lead to believe that he's like Tom's little apprentice- despite the fact that Georg is older- but other than that, he seems like the type of guy that I would hang out with if I'd met him back at home and not under the context that I had met him under. Out of all of the guys, Georg is the only one that doesn't seem too sure about me being around just yet- even Gustav accepts the fact that I'm likely here to stay, even if it's only a week and a half in.

The fourth thing I learned was actually about Bill and Andreas. The two were just about as close as you could get without being connected at the hip, but even they had their disputes. I learned all too quickly that, after a while on tour with us, Andreas can get all finicky and worried when fans are around, and he really, really doesn't like it when people start asking him about the band, or about Bill. It doesn't take long for Andreas to start acting like this all the time, and that's when Bill gets all aggravated and frustrated with just about everything.

Which brings us to today. We would be taking a flight to England from where we currently were in France, while Andreas would be taking a flight back to Germany. He would likely meet back up with us later during some other part of the tour, or some other leg of it, but that wasn't the point. I would be loosing my only buddy that didn't have to remain hidden almost twenty four seven from raving fan girls for who knows how long. That, and I had gotten rather accustomed to sharing that bunk in the tour bus with someone.

...What? Neither of us wanted the other to go spend a night on the couch, and both of us are stubborn. So, we settled on sharing that one spare bunk. Besides, neither of us are that type of person.

The point is, if I weren't the type of person that could hide emotions well, I would be crying about as hard as we all know Bill would be when we got on that plane.

"It was great meeting you, Candy. I hope to be able to see you again," Andreas informed as he took both of my hands in his and gave Bill a meaningful look over my shoulder. He was throwing "subtle" hints back at his friend that he would clearly be upset if Bill decided to fire me, or something. I doubted that would happen, but you never know.

"The same goes to you, Andreas," I replied as he pulled me into a hug. Bill came up from behind me and hugged us both. We laughed- we being me and Andreas- as Bill let go. He was in his inconspicuous outfit, meaning that he had on sweats, sunglasses, and his hair was as flat as can be. Any fan girl would be able to tell it was Bill right away, but at least it helped make sure that the general public didn't notice him.

Just before we parted ways, Andreas called out something rather serious sounding out to Bill in German, meaning that I had no idea what in the world he said. Bill called back to him, responding in German. I just fumed and shuffled along behind Georg, Gustav, and Tom as we made our way to the terminal.

As I thought, the moment we were in our own little section on the plane, Bill just started bawling, or at least was trying his hardest not to. I patted his shoulder and he leaned onto mine- I was sitting next to the isle so that he wasn't the closest to all of the strange people that may or may not try to reach for him.

"Don't worry, Bill. Andreas just needs to calm down a bit. He won't be gone for forever," I assured. Bill nodded into my shoulder, but he stayed this way for a good portion of the plane ride. At some point in time, he fell asleep on my shoulder, still looking as sad as can be. I, on the other hand, sat stock still, shocked at my own words. Ironic how I could sit there, using almost the exact words I had used once a few years ago. I blinked a few times and felt myself drifting asleep as I leaned my head on Bill's, which was still on my shoulder.

I was fifteen. This scene was increasingly familiar. The sand rushing by as I ran over the dunes usually gave me a feeling of relief and peace, but not now. Now, I was being chased. The beach could no longer be my safe haven.

"Candice Ushakov! Stop this right now!"

The breath escaped my lungs as I felt someone tackle into me from behind with just about as much force conceivably possible. Which was a lot of force, considering the person who had tackled me was one of our school's best Football players. I knew I would have sand burn after this as we slammed hard into the sand dune. I felt myself pinned to the ground before I could so much as get my breath to struggle.

"Traitor!" I hissed as I turned to glare as best as I could at the person who had tackled me. Bright ocean blue eyes framed by sandy blond hair stared sadly right back at me.

"I'm sorry, Candy, but your brother is right. You can't hide out here anymore," he whispered softly, as if afraid that Caspian would over hear. Caspian still wasn't aware of the fact that he had been the one that had been helping me in my hide-out by providing me with food and other necessities. I still couldn't believe that the one person I had put my trust into could betray me like that, but I wasn't going to rat out on him like he had likely done to me. I wasn't that kind of person.

"So, Candice, did you honestly think you could just hide on the beach forever?" Caspian hissed as he leaned down over me. "Lift her up a bit, Avery. I want to see her face when she decides to give an explanation."

Avery did as he was told, but kept a firm grip on my arms so that I wouldn't try to bolt again. I glared at my brother, my triplet, as if he were just as much of a traitor to me as Avery was right now.

"It wouldn't be for forever, you know that. Can't I just have my peace?" I pleaded, going for the wounded look rather than the angered one. That always worked better with Caspian.

"Peace from what? Your family? Your own home? That's not true, and both of us know that," Caspian sighed out as he sat down in the sand in front of me. His face looked pained, much more so that I could ever have faked. It ripped me to shreds knowing that I was hurting him like that, and it only made it hurt even more when I realized what the rest of my family was going through right now.

"I didn't mean it like that, Caspie. It's not you guys that are the problem, it's everything else. I just can't stand it anymore. I need to get away from this-" at this point I motioned with my head to our surroundings, not in reference to the beach that we were at, but to the entire local area itself, "and once I do get away, I won't be coming back for a long time, not for anything."

"But why? Why do you want to leave us so badly?" Caspian just barely managed to push out. Usually Caspian was the strong one of any group that he was in, and he rarely ever showed his weaker emotions, but now... He was shaking as if he wanted to start crying. And he probably would in a few moments. I felt Avery's grip on my arms loosen, but I didn't try to struggle or escape this time.

"Please don't look at it that way, Caspie. I just... I just need to leave and calm down for a while. I won't be gone for forever," I tried to reassure him, but it didn't change his expression, not by much at least.

"When will you come home?" Caspian and Avery whispered at the same time. For the first time since this conversation had started, I turned to look at Avery. He looked just as torn apart as Caspian did, though he had more composure. Well, of course Avery would be offended and saddened by this; I had basically just said that I would be leaving him, more or less. We had mutually agreed when we first started dating that a long distance relationship would never work.

"I... I don't know. I'll... I'll try to stay for a bit longer, so long as you both promise not to tell anyone else, got it? Not to Nikita, or Tyler, or Cassie. Not even to Little Tobias. I don't need anyone else worried anymore about me. Two is enough," I pleaded, trying to look at the both of them now. Caspian chewed on his lip and stared down at the sand. I could see little droplets hitting the sand just below him, but he nodded. I turned a bit and saw Avery sadly nod as well.

Avery finally let go of me fully and the two escorted me back up the beach. We walked in a sad silence, and I could see that Caspian was trying to build up that calm and collected wall that he always had on. They would know something was wrong if he showed up all sad and crying. It would be damn near impossible for either of us to keep our discussion from Cassie, but I knew that he would keep up his end if he wanted me to stay.

I would never come back. That was a vow, mostly to myself. No matter how it hurt them, I would never, ever return to this place. And I think Caspian knew that, even without me saying.

I awoke to Bill shaking me. When I looked over at him, I saw that he had an increasingly concerned look on his face. I tilted my head, confused at him, until I felt his thumb run across my face. I lifted my hand up and felt the little tell-tale trail of tears.

"You were crying in your sleep," he informed, still looking sadly at me. I gave him a wide smile of reassurance and shook my head.

"Just a bad dream. Nothing to be worried about." He nodded, still looking unsure, and turned in his seat so that he was facing the front. The little seat belt light was flashing, and we were being told that we would be landing soon. I rubbed my cheeks a bit with my hand and made sure I was buckled.

Home... I hadn't seriously thought about it for a while. For the past three years, Germany was my home. I hadn't seen my place of birth or any of my past friends and family- with the exception of a surprise visit from Cassie and Caspie- for three whole years. It wasn't until then that I felt just how badly I longed to go home, now that I knew that I likely wouldn't have a chance at all for a while. Funny, I actually wanted to go home, even though I had promised myself that I never would, for anything. I was dying to go home, but I knew I couldn't. With a sinking heart, I looked over at Bill. He still looked worried, but he wasn't facing me. I felt that feeling again bubble up that hadn't since that first concert I had prepared him for.

If I was breaking this vow to myself, how many others would be broken before I could get home?