Fuzzy Blue Lights

I could now officially say that I have been to a total of two Tokio Hotel Concerts.

...Which is weird, considering that I work for them and everything. Well, maybe not so weird. After all, staff members like myself are usually found backstage, not in the audience. But not tonight. Tonight, I was a "fan", bouncing alongside their other "fan"- Andreas, who was playing the "fan" part instead of the best friend. For whatever reason, if you play the "fan" role, no one seems to notice you. But, when we go about as staff and best friend, everyone notices you, and everyone wants to be your best com padre then and there.

Not particularly fun, by the way.

But tonight was going well. Very well. The guys were more amazing tonight than I had ever seen them- even though I had only ever seen them on stage from this vantage point once. It just felt different than last time, entirely different. Rather than being on a high from Fanta, Skittles, and Maja's very presence- I tend to get hyper around my old friends, you know- I was bouncing around with Andreas, singing along with Bill's voice, of course. Considering I was more concentrated on Maja and the next little antic she would encourage, I could actually pay attention to the guys on the stage.

And, as I had already said, they were amazing.

We were actually fairly close to the front so that, if they really wanted to and really tried, the guys could see us. Georg had already spotted us and made it a point to not look or face in our general direction- probably because of me, of course. So I knew Bill and Tom could spot us if they really tried.

Something in that made me smile to myself.

The concert was already over halfway through, and the intermission had long since been over. The crowd had cleared up quite a bit with the removal of all the too-drunk people, and the band continued on as amazing as they had in the beginning. I caught myself looking up at Bill a lot more often as he started going through the lyrics of 'World Behind My Wall'. I don't know why, but I was absolutely in love with this song. Entirely and utterly in love with it.

Or is it because you're utterly in love with the man singing?

The voice startled me. At first, I turned to Andreas to see that he was fully concentrated on the guys on stage. The girls around us were all quite clearly Tom's fans, considering that they were all practically in their birthday suits and were scream in Tom's name as loud as they possibly could. It took me a few moments to realize that the voice had not been external, but a thought of my own.

I turned back to watch Bill again and forced the rising paranoia in my gut back down. Bill had spotted us just as he finished the song. He placed his hands on his hips and gave us the biggest, most adorable smile I had ever seen and followed up with a wink for show. I felt my knees go weak as I gave a grin back and faked blowing a kiss to him. He giggled- I could tell that he did even though the mic was away- and pranced to the other side of the stage. Without missing a beat, he picked up into Automatisch, another of their newer songs that I absolutely adored.

Kind of hard to believe, really, that just a little over a month or so ago, I disliked this band and their music with some sort of violent passion. I didn't like it when Maja or Cassie even so much as uttered their names. That was some time back in August. It's now September twenty-third. I must admit, I didn't start liking their music until quite a bit after I had started to work for them- it grew on me, be quiet- and they've actually become closer to me than a lot of my friends back home ever were. The very same friends that I would have to see and face in just a mere week and three days.

Was it really that soon? When this all started, it seemed so very far away... Where had the time gone?

Bill finished his last and final song and shouted his thanks to the audience as they began to venture off the stage. Tom and Georg threw water on the audience, and Tom threw his towel out for some random, lucky fan to catch and wage war over. Andreas' snatched up my hand and began dragging me out of the stands.

"Get your pass ready. We're going to take some short cuts in order to get there faster," he instructed. I nodded and looked down to make sure that my lanyard was still there. Andreas had a pass of his own, so we could both reach the backstage areas without having to struggle with the staff security of the building- the band's security already had been introduced to us and knew us, or at least me, very well.

We got to where we were supposed to meet the band just before they did. Unlike the last time the guys had decided to go to a club, Bill was all wide awake and grins. He walked over and linked arms with me- my right arm, seeing as Andreas currently still held my left hand. Or, at least, he still had my hand in his until Bill started to guide me to the car they had rented for this purpose- with a hired driver, of course. If they all expected to get just a little bit drunk, none of them wanted to be responsible for driving, and I just flat out never liked being the driver for large groups of people.

Bill sat me next to the window in the farthest back seat and made it a point to sit next to me. Tom quickly took the seat next to him, leaving the two seats in front of us for Andreas and Gustav, considering that Georg had taken shotgun in order to be the farthest from me that he could possibly be. I turned to Bill as we took off. With it being dark outside and in the car, his eyes looks pitch-black, and would glimmer and shine every now and then whenever we passed under a street light. He still had a grin on his face, and his arm was still attached to mine.

"My, you're a bit clingy tonight," I stated in a hushed voice, not really wanting the other guys to hear me. Bill's grin just got wider as he forced down a laugh.

"So I've noticed," he stated right on back. I rolled my eyes at him, not that he could see all that well.

Roll those eyes again. I dare you.

I jumped a bit and turned to look at Bill. He tilted his head in confusion at my sudden movement. The voice clearly did not belong to anyone in the car, unless our male driver had rather feminine, slightly southern-sounding voice. Which was highly doubtful. I shared a look with Bill and I could see the worry just flood into his expression.

"Is something wrong?" he questioned. I smiled gently and patted his hand in reassurance.

"I'm fine, Bill, I promise." I could tell from his expression that he didn't believe me, so I quickly made up an excuse. "It's just that..."

"Just that what?" he interjected when I made the mistake of slowing for thought. He leaned closer in order to watch my expression carefully. Which, by the way, made me more uncomfortable than it should have. My heartbeat quickened and I nearly forgot what my made up excuse was.

"I just realized how soon it is that I will be going home. It's almost unbelievable that, after not being able to go home for three whole years-" that there was a lie, considering that I had been able to go home, I just didn't want to, "-I'm finally going to be able to see everyone again in, what, a week? It's been so long, it almost seems too unreal." And that bit was the truth. Bill smiled at that, but his smile quickly turned to a frown.

"You know, I've noticed that your eyes seem to shine and turn to this beautiful shade of green..." he started. My breath caught a bit as I watched his eyes flick from one of my eyes to the other, back and forth. "...but only when you're hiding something."

I tilted my head to the side, confused as to where this thought of his could have come from. I felt eyes on us- from who, I couldn't tell, but I knew that someone in the car had taken particular interest in our hushed conversation.

"And just how did you fit this together?" I mused as I arched a pierced eyebrow.

"On the plane ride, when you woke crying, your eyes looked like this when I tried to find out what was wrong. Then, again, whenever you were talking to Jamie, they did it. And then, that night that--" he stopped himself there, being completely aware that the others could hear us. He looked down and thought of exactly what to say. "That night that you took me back to the hotel because I was too tired to go clubbing with the others. You woke up screaming, Candice. And when I asked to find out more, your eyes to the same beautiful color that they are now."

It took me a few moments to realize what he was saying. When I moved to Europe and started to bury the old me, my eyes turned to a darkish mossy green, and they had been since. Before then, while I still lived back in the states and acted like a total brutish monster, my eyes had been the brightest, mesmerizing emerald green that any of my friends had ever seen. The only other person that I was aware that even came mildly close to my old eyes was Cassandra, and it had been pointed out to me time and time again that my eyes had always been brighter.

...But that wasn't the only thing I realized in Bill's statement. He was also accusing me of something. And, in a moment, I would find out just what.

"You're hiding something from me, Candice," he looked greatly hurt as he said this, but he wasn't done. "And I know that whatever it is is hurting you. Whenever you sit alone, or are left to think, I see you have such pained expressions, I'm almost afraid to let you be to yourself. And it hurts to know that you don't trust me enough to tell me."

I looked away, guilt written all over my expression. We were still talking in an almost inaudible whisper, and most of the guys were all concentrated on laughing and carrying on with their own, rather loud conversation... Except for Tom, who's gaze shot away from us and pointed out of the window when I spied him listening and watching us.

"Do we really have to talk about this now?" I questioned meekly. Bill's expression became even more pained, knowing that his accusation had been right. I was hiding from him. And it was hurting me, this little secret. But, as he took in a calming breath, he still leaned his head onto my shoulder for a moment.

"No, but you will tell me...?" his statement ended up sounding more like a question than anything else. I nodded and leaned my head on his for him to have a bit of reassurance.

"When I'm ready to tell anyone, you'll be the first. I promise," I whispered. I felt him tense up a bit, but he relaxed just as quickly. I felt the car pull to a stop, and when I looked out the window, I saw that we were outside of the already booming club. Georg climbed out of the car first and I watched as Andreas and Gustav piled out. Bill pulled away from me and followed Tom out. I was the last one out of the vehicle. As we headed towards the club, he took my arm up in his once again.

"I'm going to hold you to that." He whispered into my ear. A second later, the largest grin that he could possibly make spread out onto his face as he began to drag me into to club. Before Andreas could do so, Tom snatched up my other arm, and I was basically ushered into the building by the Kaulitz twins.

This is not going to be good for your reputation, you know.

If I could have glared at myself, I would have. But I can't, so I didn't. Of course I knew that. I could already see the gaping faces of fans and the flashes of a few cameras as the gang walked by. I would live, I suppose, for now.

...After all, I only had a week and three days to go...