Alive Again

Kennedy had whisked Clary away as soon as they pulled up to school. John had been busy in the trunk getting his bag and Reese’s bag but Reese witnessed the whole ordeal. Kennedy had looked angry but under that anger was embarrassment and hurt. Boys always had the same expression when it came to Clary.

He had gripped her wrist delicately but firmly and stormed off with her toward the school. He was probably looking for a private place to talk. Reese knew that the breakup was inevitable at this point. Kennedy was showing that he cared but Clary would see that as him trying to be possessive and controlling. She would get upset and angry and she would leave him before Kennedy had the chance to abandon her.

And Kennedy had no idea that this was coming. If he hadn’t made such bad decisions and pissed Reese off she’d feel sorry for him. However she was a woman scorned and so she felt that Kennedy was about to get what he deserved. Even if Kennedy didn’t deserve it he was still dumb enough to fall for her games, surely he had heard the warnings.

“Where did Kennedy run off to?” John asked after slamming the trunk and picking up both his bag and Reese’s. Reese sent him a forced smile and pushed herself off from leaning against the car. She held out an expectant hand but John brushed past her and made his way up to the school. Many students were getting off buses and pulling into the student parking lot by now. This wasn’t the real rush—the rush didn’t start until five minutes before the first bell rang.

“He and Clary went off somewhere together.” Reese answered in her usual passive voice.

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy?” John teased. Reese sighed and shoved her hands into her front pockets feeling the money for her lunch and Clary’s as well as their unused bus fare. She absently played with the change and thought about what she was going to say to John.

“Listen John, what you think you saw this morning... well it’s nothing like how it seems. I think you have the wrong idea. Actually I know that you have the wrong idea.” Reese wasn’t being intentionally vague on the subject. She just found it hard to come out and say that her sister had fucked their friend and was now proceeding to twist a dagger in his back. It seemed in bad taste to vocalize so bluntly.

“So Kennedy didn’t spend the night.” John again did not phrase it like a question. Reese rolled her eyes and let out another aggravated sigh.

“He did but not with me.”

John was a smart boy, he would piece it together. And he did.

“Oh, shit Reese’s pieces. That’s awful. I know you like Kenny, I’m really sorry. And what the fuck was he thinking spending the night with Clare Wallace? Doesn’t his dumb ass know what happens to boys who get involved with your sister?” John’s anger was amusing to Reese. He rarely had an edge of annoyance or anger, at least when talking to Reese, so the sight of him getting worked up over Kennedy and Clary was downright entertaining.

“Kennedy is entitled to make his own mistakes. And how the hell did you know that I liked him?” Reese whipped around and glared at her friend in a panic. If John knew then other people had to have known, and if that was true then Kennedy knew and he was a bigger douche bag than Reese had thought. John smiled his serene crooked smile.

“I’ve been noticing that when Kennedy is around you act differently. Like when he’s not around you’re just so sure of yourself and confident and brave. Then Kennedy comes around and it’s like the ground is falling out beneath your feet. You seem afraid and self-conscious, like you actually give a damn what Kenny thinks.”

Reese stared up at John stunned for his wise monologue. She was also surprised that her friend had been that observant when it came to her. It made her flush with satisfaction that he cared enough to look for these signs. It also made her feel queasy, but she pushed that aside.

“Well don’t worry about me, sweetheart. You tend to stop liking someone after they fuck your sister and you hear it.” Reese said this with only half the bitterness she felt and stomped her foot as she stepped onto the curb.

“You could hear them? That’s disgusting.” John commented sounding as though he was forcing his passive tone. Reese was getting angry; it was like magma rising in an attempt to become lava. She turned to face John, standing flush against him, and erupted.

“I hear it every night, John. You know the only thing separating our rooms is a bathroom with really good ventilation. And I’m sick of it, I hate waking up that noise of her faked moans and having to try and block the noise out. I shouldn’t have to put up with this shit but I do, and I have no idea why I stand back and let it take its course over and over again!”

John dropped their bags and wrapped his arms around a ranting Reese. She rarely had these moments where she let her guard drop even just the slightest bit and told people how she felt. He had spent years trying to figure her out but she was hiding inside of herself and doing a damn good job of it. The idea of Reese allowing him to hold her for even longer than five seconds was unheard of. Yet now she was willingly leaning into his tall frame and wrapping her arms tightly around his midsection.

Reese Wallace had never been seen showing affection. She had especially never been caught on camera receiving comfort from a friend. This was the kind of spark to start a wild fire of rumors that Reese avoided. Her tight grip on John began to slack and he knew that it would be awkward if he didn’t let her go so he released her and ruffled her hair for good measure. Reese groaned and scowled while fixing her hair.

“Sorry I got a little emotional there,” Reese apologized. John cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck before picking up their bags again.

“It’s cool, Reese’s Pieces. Everyone gets pissed off or upset at one point or another.” Reese sensed what John was really trying to say. He was trying to convince her that she could tell him about these things. She knew this already. Her friends all wanted her to trust them. It wasn’t even a matter of trusting them—she trusted them all. Reese was more concerned about loving them. To love someone is to give them the arsenal they need to break you. Reese had loved Dakota too much and he had left and she was hurt. She wouldn’t give anyone else that power. She would deny her heart.

She wouldn’t be vulnerable to any kind of love, not the platonic, the sexual, the family, and especially not the romantic love. This didn’t mean that Reese wasn’t compassionate—no she felt other people’s pain like it was her own. If people knew she cared so much they’d exploit that, and all the torment she received would be worse. People would know what buttons to push.

The people in high school that liked to try and hurt people with words—the jealous girls and the bully boys—thought that Clary was a button for Reese. Reese had forced herself to stop openly caring about Clary years ago. She cared for her sister, she protected her, but Reese realized that Clary was doing this to herself, and she wasn’t going to take Reese down with her. People could lean down and call Reese a slut in passing but that didn’t bother her. Those gossip girls in the hall could raise their voices and laugh louder when Reese passed by but that didn’t affect her either.

John already had too much ammunition to use on Reese. She wouldn’t breakdown in his arms ever again.

“So do you want to work on that project now?” John asked sensing the awkward pause. Reese gave no indication of reacting, and he felt like he had overstepped some invisible boundary. She looked up and blinked slowly before looking toward the rapidly filling parking lot.

“Nah, let’s just meet at your car after school and work on it then. I’m going to go to my locker and get ready for class.” She was speaking slowly causing John to frown. He was now just starting to notice the darkening circles under Reese’s eyes and how her eyelids seemed to droop. She was exhausted.

“Let me walk you to your locker,” John somewhat demanded scooping up Reese’s heavy bag. She looked like she would pass out if she had to carry the bag around school excessively. He just wanted to help but knew Reese wouldn’t allow him to. He had said the wrong thing, once again, and now she was going to try and push a wedge between them like usual. Unlike most people though, John never let the wedge keep him from being there for her even when she wanted him to jump off a cliff.

Reese gripped the straps of her bag and smile up at him.

“I think that I can manage to get to my locker fine on my own. Besides, some girls over there are eyeing you up. I say get your flirt on, I’ll be fine.” John didn’t know if he should laugh at her response or be hurt. He settled for a confused smile that Reese didn’t return. John let go of her bag and allowed her to walk to the front steps before he thought of something to say—to make the conversation feel like it had ended with Reese not seemingly mad at him.

“I’ll see you in sixth period!” he yelled. Reese ducked her head down and hoped no one had looked as she increased her speed to the school. She wasn’t intentionally giving John the cold shoulder, she was just embarrassed by the prospect of all those people staring and all those lips moving in whispered speculations—also known as lies. At school Reese liked to fly below the radar—the polar opposite of her younger sister.

The people in Reese’s grade could recall that in freshmen year she was more outgoing and likeable. She laughed the loudest and made wisecracks in the back of the classroom. Of course the teachers enjoyed her wit because she was intellectual about her snips and eloquently avoided being flippant. Then in sophomore year Reese had toned it down—she still smiled and laughed and made jokes but she wasn’t the person people looked to and only John knew why it had happened. Then when Reese entered her junior year Clary began her freshmen year and Reese became the forgotten Wallace as Clary became one of the most talked about girls in school.

And who had to deal with the backlash? Yes, Clary had to deal, but most people turned to Reese and asked her why she couldn’t control her sister. Reese had to admit that she had lost most of her female friends due to her sister breaking the heart of their younger brothers or even pursuing their boyfriends. Clary knew no boundaries when it came to love.

Yet Reese had to wonder, if Clary had known that Reese liked Kennedy... would she have still slept with him? Reese didn’t like the answer she came to. She didn’t like to paint Clary in a bad light even though her sister definitely deserved it sometimes. She had never thought badly of her sister but knew that in order to keep her determination to put an end to Clary’s reign, she would have to be honest. Unfortunately being honest came with admitting that her sister was a man eater. It wasn’t even a sisterly instinct to see the best in Clary that had kept Reese from thinking so negatively, that’s just how Reese was. She didn’t like to see people as bad—because people weren’t all bad. Sometimes it was just hard for her to focus on a positive. Today Kennedy was wearing her father’s red flannel shirt and Reese wanted to think of him as the Voldemort to her Harry Potter. She couldn’t though; she couldn’t even bring herself to be angry at her father.

She dropped her bag in front of her blue gray locker and put in the combination she had memorized. The lock was old—old enough that it took a lot of force to spin the dial to each number. The door creaked open but the sound was drowned out by Reese’s locker partner arriving behind her. The girl was a walking rock concert with her headphones and iPod at full blast at all times. Thus she tended to yell when she spoke—something that used to make Reese flinch but now she barely batted an eye.

“Oh good, you got the locker open. I hate turning the lock—it’s so damn sticky!” Reese smiled and began to shove her oversized bag down at the bottom of their messy locker. Erin Henderson wasn’t the most well liked person in school but Reese was patient with her. Erin was a gossip girl but not accepted among those who gossip. Reese had a feeling it was because Erin barely stopped to breathe when she spoke.

“So your sister and Kennedy Brock were something for like ten minutes there. I heard them fighting under the bleachers. I think Clare slapped him, actually. Then again, it could have easily been Kennedy punching something he was fucking pissed when he left.” Reese’s heartbeat began to slow as she saw the two best friends that shared the locker next to hers and Erin’s. Reese definitely did not like these girls. They were openly mean to Erin and were subtly mean to Reese.

Reese had a few theories on why Christine and Ashley didn’t alienate her the way they did to Erin. The first most obvious reason that Reese could see was that Ashley had a huge crush on John. She had made it so clear to everyone in the school and to John as well but he didn’t do anything about it. Reese had always wondered why, Ashley was very pretty. She had wide blue eyes and well groomed brown hair. She was an athletic girl with a very charming smile—though to Erin and Reese it always appeared malicious. Reese never asked John about it because what he did was his business and not hers.

Christine on the other hand was more interested in Kennedy and that seemed to be why she had a problem with Reese. This made very little sense to Reese because Christine had a much better chance of having Kennedy fall for her than Reese did. Reese was too awkward and afraid and Kennedy deserved better than that.

He didn’t deserve Clary.

Ashley began to twirl the dial on the lock not looking at Erin or Reese. Christine leaned on the locker next to hers and scowled at nothing in particular. It was Ashley that spoke first.

“So I heard Kennedy Brock stayed at your house last night, right Reese?”

Reese didn’t respond and Ashley didn’t look at her. Reese could never read Ashley’s intentions—the girl played hot and cold too often. Was this meant to be a conversation starter that would end with sympathy, compassion, or malice? Reese felt uncomfortable, and Christine picked up on that.

“So which bed did he sleep in, Clary’s or yours?” This could have sounded innocent to anyone passing by but Reese heard the underlying accusation. People always seemed to make the assumption that Reese was like Clary. After Clary disposed of her latest endeavour, the boy would always go after Reese, hitting on her until Reese, Erin, or John would shut them down. Reese, however, never nearly hit her fist on someone else’s face—that was more of a John thing to do. Christine was following the same path as everyone else - hinting that Reese had slept with Kennedy.

The presumptuous tone coming from a girl was foreign but not unheard of. Plenty of jealous girls had made the same kinds of accusations about Reese. Someone, an ex-fling of Clary’s, had lied and said that when he had finished with Clary he had gone and had sex with Reese.

It was the closest Reese had come to crying. The rumor at the time had seemed to be the end of her life but her friends—mostly the guy ones—had taken it upon themselves to do everything to make her laugh and smile. They had done everything from offering to kick each other in the balls to wearing dresses to school. Reese had never accepted these offers but had little doubt that at the time they would have done it. This was in her junior year around Christmas time, before they had started to give up on her and her passive ways.

Reese was easily able to ignore Christine due to years of practice. She finished retrieving her books and walked away without acknowledging the question at all. She hadn’t even closed or locked her locker behind her. Erin was a responsible girl although not at all trustworthy. Ashley and Christine would prod and Erin would talk because that’s what she liked to do.

Whatever, at least Erin would lock their locker.