The Beginning of the End

I couldn't avoid him. I wanted to since I felt awkward around him now, but we have most of the same classes! This causes a problem. What was the best thing I could do? I pretended he wasn't sitting next to me during lessons. It sort of worked.

He didn't try to strike up with a conversation with me throughout the entire day. He didn't even sit next to me during Lunch. I can't deny I felt hurt because of that but then I remembered he was only acting that way because I was acting cold to him in the first place. Well can you blame me?

The boy played me a song and then tells me he dedicated it to me. I might be overreacting but I don't think you dedicate songs to your friends in the snap of a finger. Composing music is difficult. Gerard's song was especially from the complex notes he played on his acoustic. I've seen Erik practice enough times to be able to tell the difference between "easy" riffs and "hard" riffs.

Ah, I wish I could speak to Erik. I would tell him about my situation with Gerard, and he would tell me if that means Gerard likes me or if he's just a weird boy.

I haven't thought about Erik in weeks. The only time he would even pop up in my mind was whenever I pulled out old pictures from my picture album or when I saw the guitar pick. I should be happy that I don't think about him much. In reality, I'm scared to death of that fact. The distance is supposed to make our friendship stronger, not weaker. I get that I can't even talk to him anymore, but still. I don't want to forget my best friend.

I had another sinking feeling in my stomach when I walked into the house from school. For one thing, mom's briefcase was sitting by the door. She always brings it up to her room after she gets home from work. The second thing, why is she home so early? She usually doesn't end work until around six p.m. The third and last thing, since she is home, why didn't she call my name in a cheery tone?

Cautiously, I walked further into the house, looking right and left. I found her staring at the painting I fell in love with the very first time I stepped into this house. Yes, I fell in love with a painting. It was so beautiful; I just had to look at it at least once a day.

I called her name, scaring her. I would've laughed and then she would follow suit but her face was so unbelievably serious, I wasn't so glad she was out of work early for once.

"Lillian, sit down," mom ordered, ushering me to the couch with her. I obliged, confused at her demands. She's going to tell me something bad. You don't tell someone to sit down with a completely serious face for no reason.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" I squeaked.

Her face broke from its serious tone to such sadness I felt my eyes sting. I had to close them from the stinging. When I re-opened them, tears flowed down my cheeks. I don't even know what she's going to tell me and I'm already crying. I'm so strong aren't I?

"Lillian. I...I have cancer," she finally told me.

I jumped out of my seat, cracking a nervous smile. This was a really mean joke. Absolutely mean. I waited for her to start cracking up and tell me that she got me good. She didn't though and that's when I knew she wasn't joking about the disease.

"WHAT?! HOW?!" I demanded, screaming more than I should have.

She stared at her lap, almost in shame. "I had cancer when I was pregnant with you. The doctors told me that you wouldn't survive and neither would I. But you did baby," She finally looked up at me, tears trailing from her eyes, "you did. My miracle baby."

She sounded so proud with her last sentence. I sat back down next to her, allowing the tears to come. "Why no tell me?" I asked, shaken.

"To mess up your life? No thank you. Your father leaving was enough hurt for you. But yes, while on the business trip, I had to stay in the hospital for a day because I fainted at the hotel. They told me they found a tumor in my brain. I've been taking chemotherapy for the past few weeks without your knowledge."

"So that's why you aren't up in the mornings anymore..."

She reached for my hand, squeezing it tightly. "Baby, the cancer won't go away unless they find a cure."

I tore my hand away from her, staring into her brown eyes. How could this happen? I was going to lose my mom without any percentage of her surviving through this? How in the world is that fair? So my mom would never witness having grandchildren? This stupid disease was going to take her away from me?

Sobbing, I darted for the stairs.

"Please come back."

"No!"

I ran up to my room, slamming the door shut. That entire night, I cried until all the tears from my body dried out. There was no way in Hell I could lose my mom. She was the final and last person in my life that I love with all my heart. Take her away from me and all you will have is a heartless girl. The other half of my broken heart belongs to Erik. The other half, remains with my mom. She's my rock, so to speak. How dare they want to take her away from me? How dare they? I lost practically everything! I lost my best friend, I lost my father before I even had time to know him, and I'm going to lose my mom. If God really was up there, he'd let me die too so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain.