The Beginning of the End

Today happened to be one of those days where it wasn't disgustingly hot out. There was a slight breeze every few minutes. This is much better than sweating everyday.

I was positive Gerard noticed my good mood this morning on the bus when I skipped past the bunks singing an LFO song. Because of the morning's antics, Gerard wouldn't let me help Nathan today. I felt so horrible for not helping either. There were so many people today, he was constantly cooking food without any breaks.

Even when Gerard and I were walking towards the stage where the band would perform for the day, I looked over my shoulder to Nathan. His face was red from all the hard work. I turned back and looked at Gerard with pleading eyes.

He sighed. "I'll ask Matt to help Nathan out okay?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What about your show?"

He coughed and looked forward. "Don't worry about it," he said indifferently.

"Okay..."

When the stage was in sight along with a few hundred people waiting around for the show to start, he pulled on my hand harder and tightened his grip.

He pushed past people in the people, saying an occasional "Excuse me". Some recognized him and screamed his name, asking for autographs. He gave his famous crooked grin, but continued to pull me as close to the stage as he could.

This didn't make sense. If I ever wanted to watch their shows, I watched them from backstage. I never had to go to the pit with everyone else. He was always tentative in letting me go here in the first place since he didn't want me to get hurt.

It also doesn't make sense why he would send Matt to help with the food when they wouldn't have their drummer play the show. I don't think they were planning to play an acoustic set. That's not their style and they can't play most of their songs acoustic.

Gerard faced me, making me gasp in surprise. He chuckled and kissed my cheek. His light-hearted mood seemed to change as he frowned. "You've gotten so skittish since..."

I looked down at my feet. He was right. Ever since mom's death, I've gotten scared of almost everything. Every little sound made me jump. I wish I could get over it, but it was hard to. I think it might be because mom was my barrier, she kept me happy and sane since she was all I had. Well, she isn't here anymore, and I guess, I lost my tough girl attitude.

"Lilly bean," Gerard whispered, lifting my chin so I had to look at him. "Just enjoy the show okay? We're only singing one song today."

"Okay," I said, giving him a smile. He smiled at me back before climbing onto the stage where the uproar grew.

He looked so happy, in euphoria with the microphone in front of him. His crooked grin grew even more as the fans chanted "M.C.R." repeatedly.

He got the crowd hyped up with small talk before his face turned serious and he asked them to simmer down.

"Guys and girls, today is going to be an important performance for me. We're only playing one song, unfortunately, but this one song has very special meaning," he began to explain.

I saw Frank walk out with a red and brown marbled acoustic guitar. I knew it was Gerard's right away. I could that thing out anywhere.

Frank gave Gerard a chair to sit on as he continued to speak into the microphone. Before he walked backstage, he gave me a wink and a small smile. What was this about?

"This song is called Cancer. It's a song no one's heard of before, so just take a breather and listen."

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded...

He wasn't even one fourth of the way into the song and I already started tearing. I had a feeling I knew what this song was about and who it was about.

Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

I couldn't stop the waterworks any longer. It seems like all I've been doing lately is cry, but I don’t know what else to do. It's the only thing that seems right.

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
And baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
We're counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

He looked for me in the crowd, finding me in a few seconds. His fingers continued to play on the guitar strings like a pro as he stared deeply at me.

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye tonight (goodbye tonight)
I'll ask you to be true (cause I'll ask you to be true)

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

I didn't wipe the tears that were falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to be scared to show my emotions anymore. I've cut everyone off from how I truly feel besides Frank since he experienced the same thing I'm going through now. Wiping away these tears would show I'm afraid to let people know how I feel. Well, not anymore.

"That's a powerful song. I wonder who he wrote that about," the guy next to me said.

I gave him a hard glance. The guy didn't flinch or look in my direction. He continued to look at Gerard. I gave him a nasty look and diverted my attention to someone else. That was before I realized this was the same guy asking for a water bottle a few days ago. I clasped on his wrist and brought it close to my face.

"Excuse me?" he asked in an annoyed tone.

The bracelet on his wrist wasn't a bracelet. He wound a necklace around his wrist twice. The center of the two strings held a silver heart. I laughed out loud.

"What is wrong with you?" he questioned, taking his arm away from me.

I pointed to the necklace. "Where did you get that?"

He eyed me weirdly. "My best friend gave it to me years ago. Why do you care?"