Between You and I

Matt’s POV

I yawned and sat in my normal spot. “Sorry, I dozed off when I was waiting.”
“Did you not get enough sleep last night?” Brandon asked.
“Yeah, I never get much sleep anymore.” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“Why is that, Matt?” He asked.
“I always have nightmares, and once I wake up from them, I’m never able to fall back asleep.”
“What are they nightmares about?”
I rolled my eyes, sighing.
“Oh, I understand.” Brandon said. I felt slightly relieved in my mind, not having to break down into tears again telling about the nightmares I have nightly.
There was an awkward silence between us, until I decided to speak up.
“So what did Eric have to say?” I asked, deciding to be nosy after all.
“What he said is 100% confidential and only for myself and Eric to know, although what he says makes perfect sense…” He said, pondering his last point.
He took in a deep breath through his nose, leaning to place his notepad and my folder on his desk. “Matt, let me ask you something.” He said, taking his glasses off.
I stared at him, ready for him to fire another question at me.
“How intimate are you with Eric?”
I gave him a blank stare. “Why would I tell you something like that? It’s called intimacy for a reason. It’s only meant to be shared between two-”
“Mr. Traynor, please.” He said, his voice booming over mine, which shut me up.
Brandon came from behind his desk to sit in the chair opposite my couch. “Mr. Traynor, I have an…assignment for you, I guess you could call it.” He paused as I got a confused look on my face, feeling slightly nervous.
“I want you and Eric to have sex before our next meeting. Now notice I say want. I’m not demanding you to, but it would help you progress significantly if you got over your genophobia.”
“My what?” I was never good with long, extensive words.
“Your phobia of sex, your fear, towards sex. That’s what all of this,” He flapped my folder around. “-comes down to. You’re afraid to get intimate with Eric because you got horribly abused the last time anything of the sort happened. You have to learn to put that past behind you, not necessarily forget it, but dull the intensity of the memories.”
“How am I afraid of sex? And how is it an assignment?” I asked.
“When was the last time you thought about getting intimate with Eric?” He asked.
I looked at the floor. “Tuesday.” I said, feeling small.
“Did you follow through?” Brandon asked.
I thought about lying, saying that we did, but this is probably what he talked about with Eric, and I know he wouldn’t lie about this. I just shook my head.
“Why?” He asked again, smirking.
“Do I really need to say it? You already know the answer, which proves your theory right.” I said bitterly, crossing my arms over my chest, letting myself fall to the back of the couch.
“It’s completely fine to feel like that. You’re not the only patient I’ve had like this.” He said.
“Probably the only patient that needs to be assigned to have sex with their significant other.” I mumbled.
“no, definitely not. You’re actually one of the more cooperative ones, and probably one of the only couples I’ve seen together that hasn’t almost broken up because of the lack of physical contact. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, and there are others worse than you. I once treated a patient that wouldn’t even hold hands with her boyfriend.”
“Did she recover?” I asked, slightly curious.
Brandon nodded, smiling. “Completely. It’s as if it never happened.”
I nodded, feeling a little more hopeful. “Alright, I’ll try it out, not guaranteeing anything though.” I said, getting up.
“Wait, wait, we’re not done yet, we still have another fifteen minutes.” Brandon said, motioning for me to sit down again.
“What are we going to talk about in fifteen minutes?” I said, just wanting to get home. I didn’t feel like being talked to anymore.
“Just a couple random questions to let me get to know you better.” Brandon said, looking at a sheet, presumably of questions he wants to ask.
“When did you find out that you were gay?” He asked.
“Um…junior year, when I started liking Eric back as more than a friend.” I answered.
“When did you two start going out?”
“A couple months ago.”
“Why such a large gap?” Brandon asked, genuinely surprised.
“I kept lying to myself and telling myself and Eric that we were nothing but friends, just because
of what my parents burned into my mind and what everyone else at school said about it. I didn’t want to be different, I wanted to conform to what everyone else was doing rather than be my own person, which I found out wasn’t the most appealing choice.”
“Why didn’t you want to be different?” Brandon asked.
“My parents always taught me that different was wrong; so I believed them. They etched that into my brain that I couldn’t be different. Eric basically brought me out of that when he confessed his love to me a couple years ago, telling me that I basically had his heart. That, that’s when I knew that I couldn’t let him just pass by, I had to push all of my parents bullshit out of my mind and become my own person, which is who I am now. I don’t know what I’d be without Eric, and I really don’t want to know, either.” I explained, smiling the whole time.
Brandon just smiled at me. “You and Eric are one of the most wonderful couples I’ve ever heard about and set my eyes on. It’s a good thing you decided to think for yourself, really. I could just tell how much of a wreck you’d be without Eric by your side.”
I grimaced, not knowing whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. I said nothing and let him go on.
Brandon looked at the clock and we had about five minutes left.
“There’s no time for another question, so I guess this meeting is over. I feel like we’ve gotten a lot accomplished. Now don’t forget your assignment, Matt. I want to know how everything went the next time we meet, remember that.”
I got an uneasy feeling in my stomach. “I know, I’ll do my best. See ya next time.” I shook his hand and left the office, Eric automatically jumping into my arms when he saw me.
“How did everything go?” He asked, kissing me. I could feel that he wanted more than just a kiss, he’s been acting like it a lot lately. I never really took notice of it until now.
“Good, good. We gotta go make another appointment.”
“Lets go.” Eric said with a smile, letting go of my torso and grabbing onto my hand.
We set up the next appointment two weeks from now, so I had plenty of time to “complete my assignment”.
We got to Eric’s and went in, automatically sitting on the couch close to each other. I looked straight into Eric’s eyes, contemplating whether I wanted to try so early or not.
My lips touched Eric’s, lightly at first, then getting more intense, more passionate. Soon I was crawling on top of him, feeling his body up and down. Eric wanted my clothes off, and he wanted them off now. When that thought popped into my head, my mind started racing and I started shaking a little, feeling like this was the first time I’ve done this. Granted, Eric and I have only had sex two times before this, but I was acting like I had no idea what I was doing.
“Hey, babe, you okay?” Eric asked, slightly breathless, starting to unzip my sweatshirt.
I grabbed his hand softly, stopping him. I sighed and rested my head on his chest. “I’m sorry, Eric, but I still don’t think I can do this.” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed and ashamed.
“Why? What’s holding you back?” Eric asked softly, getting a seductive face on, just for me.
I bit my lip and he kissed me fiercely again. I let him get my sweatshirt off, now he was working on the buttons of my plaid shirt.
My lips parted from his so I could talk again. “I’m still afraid of this, all of this, the intimacy…everything.” I admitted.
He brought my head down so his mouth was by my ear. “The only way you’ll not be afraid is to do it.” He said quietly, nibbling on my ear. I moaned a little and started, hesitant at first, to take Eric’s shirt off. It landed on the floor, and Eric automatically attacked my neck with his amazing lips, navigating his hands down to the button and zipper of my jeans.
“I don’t know, Eric…” I said, preventing the moan I was suppressing from coming out in that statement. I wanted it so bad, but I didn’t want to freak out and ruin the whole moment.
He put his finger lightly on my lips, looking totally sexy from where he was sitting. “Don’t say anything. Let me do all the dirty work, and I’ll just let you sit back and relax.”
He definitely wanted me, he never talked like that unless he was in the mood.
Our lips connected again as Eric slid off my pants and I did the same to him, leaving us only in our boxers.
By this time, I was practically hyperventilating, shaking even worse than before, not even wanting to do this anymore.
“Matt?” Eric asked, worried.
I climbed off of him and brought my knees up to my chest, still shaking, still hyperventilating.
Eric sighed, wrapping his arm around my bare shoulder, scooting closer to me. “It’s that bad, huh?” He asked, sounding sweet and considerate.
I nodded, resting my head on Eric’s shoulder. “Brandon said I have genophobia, fear of sex.” I coughed out a bitter laugh. “And he basically wants me to try and overcome it by trying to have sex with you before my next appointment.”
When Eric said nothing, I realized how horrible that sounded. I got a little closer to him. “Eric, I didn’t mean it like I’m forcing myself to have sex with you, I want to, I really, really do, but whenever things get too far my body and my mind flip shit and prevent me from doing so. My mind tells me that sex is wrong and I should be afraid of it because that’s the one thing that damaged me physically, mentally, and emotionally.”
Eric nodded. “I knew what you meant. I don’t doubt anything you said. Maybe we could work at it gradually, take it a step at a time, adding a new step or two every night until your next appointment, and we can make it a goal to have sex by the time that comes around.” He sighed. “I’ve been waiting for you to come around and start getting intimate with me again. It’s been getting worse lately. I miss you.” Eric explained.
“I’ve been here the whole time, Eric…” I said slowly.
“No, no, no, I miss you.” He said seductively, stroking me.
“Oh dear god Eric.” I moaned with extreme pleasure.
Eric smiled, biting his bottom lip. “You still want to wait?”
I didn’t answer at first, my mind telling me that I should, that I needed to wait, but my body wanted so badly to be on Eric, be inside Eric, and the body’s feelings were slowly overpowering my mind.
I snatched his head and crashed his lips into mine. “ I can’t wait.” I said in a low voice.
“Do you wanna go-” Eric began, until he cut off his words for a moan as I slowly slid off his boxers.
The next kiss was nothing but tongue as Eric undressed me the rest of the way as well.
Eric slowly slid himself into me as I screamed in pleasure, the moans becoming more as he started moving harder and faster inside me. It was such an amazing feeling.
I came sooner than I was hoping, Eric coming shortly afterwards.
He pulled out and we laid on the couch in a mess of each other, enjoying each others company, all the sexual tension lifted off our shoulders, feeling more amazing than I’ve felt in what seems like forever. I feel more like myself than I have in these past couple months.
Therapy is great.
I turned to Eric, who looked at me, smiling, sweating.
“I love you, Eric, so fucking much.” I said, kissing him.
“I love you, too, Matt.” Eric said, pulling me into a hug. “Promise me you’ll never leave me.”
“Never.” I said, telling the absolute truth.
“That you’ll always love me.”
“Unconditionally.”
“That you’ll never be with anyone else but me.”
I lifted his face so he was staring directly into my eyes. “Eric, there is no one in this world that I would rather be with right now than you.”
He smiled and kissed me lightly. “I trust you.”
I smiled and rested my head on Eric’s chest, slowly closing my eyes.