Between You and I

I thought I’d be able to escape the nightmares, but I was wrong.
If anything, they came back worse. Much worse.
I woke up in the middle of the night, sheered in cold sweat, my body shaking rapidly, sobbing. Eric was still next to me, sound asleep. He stirred ever so slightly, and I hoped I wasn’t waking him up, like I’ve done many times before.
“Matt.” He said quietly, drowsy. He wrapped his arms around me. “It’s going to be okay. Don’t worry. Shhh…” He rubbed my back, trying to calm me down.
I couldn’t form words, but in my mind I was thinking that I’m never going to get over this, because even though I made it past the physical fear, all the mental scarring is still there. I guess that’s going to be harder to get rid of than everything else.
“Was it better or worse?” Eric asked softly.
“Worse. So much worse.” I whispered, tightening my hug.
“Do you want me to call Brandon and make an earlier appointment?”
I shook my head. “I want to see if I can overcome this by myself. I can’t rely on someone to baby me the whole way through it.” I said, sniffling.
“Do you want me to tell Beau and the rest of the guys?” Eric asked again.
“No, not yet. I don’t want more people worrying about me. Having you worry is enough.”
“I’m coming into your next session with him, regardless of what he says.”
“Thank you.” I said quietly, putting my face in his shoulder.
“Do you think you’ll be able to fall asleep again?” Eric asked, running his hand through my messy hair.
“Only if we move to the bed, it’s kind of cramped up here.” I said, smiling a little.
Eric laughed and yawned. “Sounds good enough for me.”
We both got off the couch and went into Eric’s room, cuddling on his bed, falling asleep in each others’ arms, not waking up for the rest of the night.

“You only had sex the first night? Why didn’t you continue?” Brandon asked at our next appointment, and, like Eric promised, he was in the room for this session with me. We sat close to each other on the couch, holding hands.
“If I had sex, the nightmares got worse, as I found out the same night we did it. That basically strengthened my fear.” I answered, keeping my eyes down.
“How did you feel after the intercourse?” Brandon asked.
Eric and I exchanged glances, feeling slightly uncomfortable. “Um, like it always does after you have sex. Good?” I said slowly.
This made Brandon laugh. “I mean, did you still feel that fear in you?”
“I didn’t at first, but then I went to sleep, the nightmare occurred, and in a much higher intensity than the same nightmares previous to that night. I was able to fall back asleep after Eric comforted me.”
“Which you could call an improvement from last time.” Brandon said.
“I guess so, yeah.” I said, looking at my hands, picking at my pointer nail with my thumb.
Brandon set his pen down and leaned back in his chair, rocking it back and forth a little. “Eric, let me hear your side of the story.”
“What do you want me to say?” Eric asked slowly, slightly taken aback by his sudden demand.
“Start with what you told me at the last session, what was running through your mind that night, just…anything you want to tell us.” He stressed “us”, but only enough so I was the only one to pick up on it.
“I thought you said that stuff was confidential?” Eric asked.
“It’s your choice if you want to tell him or not, Eric. I’m not forcing you into anything you don’t want to do. My personal opinion is that an honest relationship is the best relationship, though.” Brandon said, now twirling his pen.
I saw the distress in Eric’s eyes. He wanted to tell me everything, but he didn’t. He finally sighed and turned towards me slightly, putting his hand on my leg, squeezing it affectionately. “During that break between that…night, and when we finally had sex again, I was getting kind of…not like, fed up, but sort of like that, with you. I mean, obviously it didn’t do anything to ruin our relationship, but I think that a month is kind of extensive. This was before you told me that he said you had genophobia, but that’s just what was running through my mind over the past month. “The last time, two weeks ago, totally threw me off, though. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen.” He moved his hand a little farther up my leg. I looked at him and smirked. “I’m glad it did though.” He added on.
“I don’t think I can say the same.” I said feebly, looking at Eric. “Not saying that the actual sex wasn’t amazing, just the aftermath.”
“Why do you think you had such horrible nightmares after you had done it?” Brandon asked, picking up his pen again.
I shrugged. “I honestly couldn’t tell you why it worked that way.” I said.
“Maybe it’s because you were experiencing the physical contact for the first time in a month, and your mind just triggered the nightmare to be more severe because of how recent your last experience was; your memory triggered, resulting in worsened nightmares.” Eric offered.
“That’s a good point, Eric.” Brandon said, scribbling things down.
“UGH!” I said, putting my head in my hands in frustration. “I don’t see how this is going to work at all.”
“How what’s going to work, Mr. Traynor?” Brandon asked.
“If my nightmares and fears are getting worse after sex, how am I supposed to get over my fear?”
“That was only the first time, Matt. It’s not going to magically disappear after the first time.” Brandon explained.
“Sweetie, he’s right. Nothing is ever completely resolved after one time.” Eric said, wrapping his arm around my waist, squeezing my side.
I put my head on his shoulder, mimicking Eric’s actions. “I know.” I sighed.
“And that’s not a totally bad thing.” Eric whispered, biting my ear a little, making me smirk.
It got awkwardly silent as we directed our attention back to Brandon.
“Eric, I’d like you to leave the room for a couple of minutes.” He said, smiling at us.
“Okay.” Eric said, kissing me before leaving.
Once the door was closed, I looked at Brandon. “What’s up?”
“I have another assignment for you.” He said, sighing, sounding unsure. I worried; the therapist isn’t supposed to be unsure.
“Yeah?” I asked slowly, looking at the floor.
“I want you to go out and find a girl, and…”
He stopped mid sentence when I shot up off the couch and started for the door. “Fuck no.”
“Matt, just listen to-”
“No! I’m not doing that to Eric or myself. I don’t give a fuck if it will help, I’m not doing it. It may help one thing, but it would hurt another, and I’d rather live with the nightmares than lose Eric.” I yelled, but just loud enough so Eric wouldn’t hear. I flung the door open and left his office in a rage.
“Come on, Eric, lets go.” I said in a harsh tone that wasn’t directed towards him at all.
“Matt? What happened?” Eric asked, and his voice gave me the impression that he thought I was pissed at him for something.
I turned and hugged him in the middle of the lobby. “I’m sorry. None of this is directed at you. I’ll tell you when we get home, but lets just go.”
“Aren’t you gonna make another appointment..?” Eric asked as I was dragging him to the front door.
“No. We’re not coming back here.” I said, feeling that rage in the pit of my stomach wanting to come up again, but I swallowed it until later.
The ride home was silent. I didn’t want to say anything because I’d burst, and Eric probably didn’t want to upset me.
When we got home, I went to grab the rum off the kitchen counter and a two liter of Coke out of the fridge, making myself a drink.
Eric came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, resting his head on my back. “Before you even think about taking a drink of that, we need to talk. Taking out your anger by drinking isn’t healthy.” He said softly, drawing circles on my shoulder blade.
I sighed, just as I was about to take my first sip. I turned around in his arms and pressed my lips against his. “Okay, lets talk.”
We went into the living room and sat on the couch.
“Okay, what the hell happened that’s making you so angry?” Eric asked, turning to face me.
I sighed and buried my face in my palms. “Okay, so after Brandon called you out of the room or whatever, he said that he had an ‘assignment’ for me to do. He said that I had to…fuckin’…go out and find a girl and basically fuck her to see if that would help me. I was just like hell no, why would I do that, and why would he even think that was right to say something like that? That just got me really pissed. I would never do that to you, and he probably knows that.” I raged, my hands starting to shake.
Eric rubbed my back. “I know you’d never do that to me, sweetie. I would never doubt you on that. Why he would suggest that, I have no clue.”
“We’re not going back there again.” I said sternly, looking Eric straight in the eyes.
He nodded. “I know.” He turned me around so my back was facing him, and he started massaging it. It felt so good.
“Lower..” I said breathlessly, absolutely calm and relaxed, letting Eric’s fingers massage me wherever they decide to wander.
He complied, moving to my lower back, sneaking a kiss on my neck.
I smiled in return, continuing to let Eric’s fingers work his marvelous magic.
I let my head hit his shoulder when he found just the right spot; it was right in my lower back by my tailbone.
“Oh god, Eric, that feels so good.” I said, looking at him. “You haven’t given me one of these in such a long time.”
“I haven’t had a reason to.” He said, kissing me.
“Do you really need one?” I asked, smiling.
He stopped massaging me for a second. “I don’t give these out too willingly.”
I smirked, but said nothing, letting him continue his massage, randomly kissing him, getting him off track. The off track kiss eventually led to us going into my bedroom, where I let his fingers wander everywhere.
As I expected, my nightmares were bad, but they were starting to have a lesser effect on me. For this fact I was very glad. Maybe the fact that I practically passed out from being so tired had an impact on it.