Reset

If only we could just reset time.

***

Sometimes, the only place to seek comfort is inside your head. I love doing that, and it just stops the tears that is about to flow down when I opened the little drawers in my head.

But also, being out late at night, it just blows whatever I have in mind.

Cars cruised by, but they were so far away, the sound of engines drowned out in the rustle of leaves. Cold winds swept by, and the grasses waved about, as if they too are savoring the sweet air.

As I laid on my back staring at the millions and perhaps billions of stars were glittering above me, I waited for a certain someone.

“Yo Tally!” A rough voice rang out; shattering the silence I was enjoying and jolting me out from my thoughts.

I sighed in my heart and sat up, only to find Keith’s face inches away from mine. We both jerked away and gave a small laugh.

“What took you so long?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes. “I have something on. Don’t ask.”

I smiled.

After a moment of silence, he spoke up again. “So… Why did you call me out this time? Don’t tell me it’s the usual star gazing, because I can tell from your tone that something is up.”

It was smart of him to guess it. I struggled to find the correct words to describe my thoughts.

Sensing that I was having some difficulties, Keith said, “It’s okay if you need a minute to arrange you sentences. Besides, I have something to tell you too.”

“Thanks.”

But I know, even if he had given me a year, I wouldn’t be able to voice my thoughts properly.

You see, Keith’s the first person to approach me when I started my freshman year. In the beginning I was really awkward around him and other guys, since I was from an all girls’ school and I have never socialized with guys before.

We had uncountable things to talk about, from foods till clothes till celebrities. Soon our friendship blossomed and we are best friends now.

All the awkwardness was gone after a few months, at least until two months ago.

Yes, I had fallen for my best friend. It sounds really corny, like something out from a romance novel, but the feeling is just like how they described.

I started to be really shy around him, always constantly aware of his every action, taking it as a bad or good sign. I was really cautious when I was talking to him, careful not to give anything away.

After two months, I really couldn’t keep the secret to myself already.

Mom and Dad thinks he’s a good guy and that I should just tell him how I felt.

As if dressing up or putting on make up when I’m supposed to hang out with him isn’t obvious enough.

So how should I tell him?

Um, Keith, don’t be surprise, but I think I like you. Would you be my boyfriend?

No can do! Too desperate.

Hey, so, you’ve noticed how I was acting lately? That’s cause I’ve fell for you.

Too direct. Oh man, this is going to take a long time.

I want to say this for a while already; I have a crush on you. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way about me, I really hope that we continue to be best friends.

Better, much better.

I turned to find him lost in his own chain of thoughts.

“Earth calling Keith!” I waved my hands in front of him.

“Wha-what? Oh, sorry. I think I must have…” His voice trailed off. For the first time I noticed a worried look on his face. What’s up with him?

“So, who wants to go first?” I attempted a smile but all it came out was a grimace.

He hesitated for a while before saying, “Me first.”

“Okay.”

After what seemed like an eternity…

“Look Tally, I don’t know whether you realized it or not. But um, you’ve been acting really weird these days…”

Oh. So he noticed. A swell of excitement started up in my stomach…

“However,” He said firmly. “I’m not interested in you like how you were feeling towards me. Really. I’m sorry but I’m not the least bit in love with you at all.”

And the excitement just died down. My jaw dropped and for a moment I tried to think of a comeback.

“Oh Keith! What on earth are you thinking about! I’m not in love with you! Why were you thinking that I was in love with you?” I cried.

Not true, not true. Each word echoed around my head, mocking me, hurting me.

He’s not in love with me; he’s not interested at all. God, if I confessed just now, I would look like a fool.

“Then why were you acting so weird these days?” He inquired, squinting through the darkness at me.

Crap. Now what?

“Well…” I racked my brain to think of an excuse. “It’s a surprise, you’ll know soon enough. I can’t believe that you actually thought I was in love with you.”

He still looked a bit suspicious but he let my excuse pass. All the while my heart ached and throbbed as if it had been stabbed.

“Right. So what did you want to tell me?” He smiled.

Okay, now I’m stuck. I pretended to be confused while my brain worked furiously.

“Um… Do you know Super Junior? They have this really cool song, “Reset”. I thought you might like it. The lyrics are quite meaningful.” I lied through gritted teeth.

I’m the goddess of liars.

“Really? How does the song go?”

“I’ll sing the chorus part for you.” I replied.

“Press the reset, press press the reset, nan nul nuhleul ijeul soo ubneundeh… Press the reset, press press the reset… neh appehsuh itneun nul undduhkeh no eulaneun guhni?” My voice trembled and I could feel my eyes watering up. I faked a cough and ducked down.

He laughed. “Not bad, what does it mean?”

I shrugged.

Inside, I know what it means, it meant: You, I can’t forget you. How am I to let go of the person that’s standing in front of me?

But how could I say anything?

They say at 3am on the city streets when the air is sweet, our heart is expected to soar with the winds too... However, this isn't sweet at all. Not at all.

Those words, or was it lyrics? They weren't true at all. The cool wind that had once caress my skin felt like icy grip.

We chatted for a while about random stuff before I said I have to go home.

“All right. See you tomorrow at Trig?” He asked.

“Sure. Night!” I leaped up and ran all the way back home.

Back in home, I cried myself to sleep as I hugged my teddy bear. The words kept repeating in my mind: I’m sorry but I’m not the least in love with you…

***
Two weeks later…

I put the flowers down by his grave. My vision was blurry as the tears were flowing down.

“Tally?” I turned and found Keith’s mother standing nearby.

“Hi.” I hastily wiped my tears away. She seemed to understand so she waited patiently as I dried my eyes.

She held out an envelope. “This was meant for you. He asked me to pass it to you.”

I stared at it for a while before taking it. “Thank you.”

She nodded. “You take care of yourself all right?”

“You too.”

I opened the letter as soon as I reached home.

Dear Tally,

I won’t be here already when you read this. I’m sorry for not telling you that night we met. I didn’t want to shatter your heart; I did what I thought the best for both of us. I’m so sorry it has to go this way.

I remember telling you I wasn’t the least in love with you, it was true. Because I was a lot in love with you ever since you stepped into our school. I never said anything because I was unsure how you felt about me. When I started to suspect, it was too late. Doctors said I have only few weeks to live.

This is why I told you that, even though I don’t think it matters much, since you only take me as a friend. Whatever it is, I hope you don’t blame me from keeping it from you.

Remember the song you sang, “Reset”? I already knew the meaning, because I knew about it before you told me. And how I wish it was possible to press the reset button. Because I wish I was back in the beginning, to tell you how much I love you.

I love you. – Keith

I slumped back against the wall and cried.

Yes, I wish I could press the reset button, so that I could tell you the night we met, how much I love you too. It doesn’t matter if it’s only two weeks, it’s enough for me.

I love you too, Keith.

Press the reset, press press the reset… So that 3am on the city streets when the air is sweet, we both are able to understand it fully this time...