Stella
Audrey
I never make promises I can’t keep. I do what I want, because you only live once. If you love someone, you should be able to let them go if it’s for their own good. You can’t keep clinging to a lost cause. You’ve got to do what you think is right.
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I looked at Kylee, who’d been dumbstruck by the quiet yet incredibly turbulent conversation with Stella. We left the coffee shop, and if there couldn’t be a better ending, there was a gruesome car crash right outside. I kept my eyes away from the scene. Wanting to get away from the tragic events of the day, Kylee drove me back to the hotel in which Stella and I had stayed. I saw the little red Bug in the parking lot and tried to peer inside the tinted glass to see if Stella was sitting inside. She was not. I hoped she wasn’t in the hotel room, because I didn’t want to see her cry anymore. It killed me.
“I’ll be right back, Kylee,” I whispered, and kissed her on the cheek.
I didn’t have much luggage to pick up, and since it turned out Stella wasn’t in the room, it didn’t take very long to retrieve. I returned to Kylee’s rental car, and we made our way to the airport, to go back to Toronto. I hoped the change of scenery would take the pang of guilt away.
A year after the ending of me and Stella, I still hadn’t recovered from seeing her agonized face. She’d proposed to me, and I’d rejected her and left her on the spot. After a lot of thinking and maturing, I was fighting the urge to think that I’d made a terrible mistake.
It was Christmas Eve, and I had a horrible attack of déjà vu. I was pushing it out of my mind, however, because it was the night before my wedding to Kylee. She was out with her friends, because she’d insisted on having a bachelorette party.
Stella wouldn’t have needed a bachelorette party. She couldn’t wait to be married.
Bad thought, I told myself. But I couldn’t ignore the Stella thoughts. I ended up missing her voice, which happened often, but never to this extent.
I had to call her.
I needed to call her.
I called her house. I knew that even if she didn’t pick up, her mom would.
“Hello?”
I was right, her mom did answer.
“Hi. It’s…Audrey.”
“Oh. Hello Audrey.”
“I’m so sorry about what happened.”
“No, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t see how it wasn’t.”
“You weren’t the one driving the car, Audrey.”
Pause. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but talking to Stella was more important than finding out.
“Can I talk to Stella, please? I really need to. I miss her.”
“Audrey…don’t be like that…you know what happened.“ Her mom sounded very somber all of a sudden. Almost angry.
“I know, I know. But please. Is she there?”
I could almost hear her mom’s pain in the silence.
“I thought…I thought you were there with her. I thought you saw it. You were in Seattle with Stella last Christmas Eve.”
“I was, yeah, until she left the coffee shop…”
“Honey…Stella was killed immediately outside of the coffee shop. She was hit by a car.”
The images came back. Stella crying…running out of the coffee shop…seeing the crash outside, but leaving with Kylee, unaware of the horror of what really happened.
“Stella. My Stella. She’s dead,” I muttered, more to myself than anything. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“I still have the ring she had for you. It’s so beautiful. I don’t know how she ever afforded anything like that. But she really loved you. She must’ve spent everything she had on it. Only the best for her Audrey,” her mom chuckled, then fell back into the sad silence. It was obvious she didn’t know what I had done.
We sat there, both thinking about the beautiful girl we’d both loved.
Why had I ever told her I didn’t love her?
“Honey…I think it would’ve meant a lot to Stella if you had the ring. Why don’t you…why don’t you come over here and take it? You were my daughter’s only love, and I always knew that, no matter how reluctant I was to accept it when she was alive.”
When she was alive. The sound of those words made me ache inside, beyond any comparison.
I told her mom I’d be there as soon as I could, that I was out of town. That night, I caught a flight to Seattle, and drove past the places I’d been with Stella. The hotel. The beautiful hotel where we could’ve spent the night after our engagement. I could’ve touched her again. I could’ve told her I loved her again. She’d still be alive and I’d be able to make love to her every night and I’d never let anything happen to her. We’d be married and happy and…
There was the coffee shop.
I sped past it, wanting to avoid all of the memories.
After the drive to Stella’s old house, I stopped outside the front door. I could see in the window a picture of me and her, the beautiful, amazing, funny, happy, vibrant, lively, smart, talented…perfect Stella. She’d scrawled in the same handwriting as was on the ring a note tied to the picture:
AUDREY! I love you. I’ll always love you. That’s a promise I can make, whether you believe it or not. You’re my baby.
With tears flowing uncontrollably from my eyes, smearing black down my face, I rang the doorbell. Her mom answered, and the moment she saw me, she started crying as well. She hugged me, and slid the ring on my finger. I stepped away to admire the beautiful diamond. Stella had wanted to marry me so bad.
“W-where is she b-buried?” I stuttered. It didn’t seem right that I had to ask that question.
“The cemetery behind our church. Her grave is beside the bench where you guys used to sit when you were younger. I thought it suited her.”
I didn’t have enough senses about me to drive to her grave, so I walked. It was possibly the longest walk of my life.
There it was, the bench. We’d had our first kiss there. That’s where I’d told her I’d marry her someday. I couldn’t comprehend that I’d taken all of the happiness she’d had then and disposed of it like it was nothing. She hadn’t deserved that. I’d really and truly loved Stella, but I was too fucking stupid to hold on to her. She was the best. She was the best thing I’d ever had in my life. Kylee… Kylee would never compare. She wasn’t as pretty, or as smart, or funny. She wasn’t as adorable. She didn’t have the loud, ringing laugh. She didn’t have the facial expressions, the little scrunched up nose when she was pretending to be angry or the huge, bright grin. Her eyes were nothing compared to Stella’s big, round, blue ones. Stella couldn’t be compared with anyone. And now she was dead.
I sat down on the bench. I opened my purse. My fingers tumbled through the contents until I found what I was looking for. Scissors. I had saved them for just this occasion. I looked at the shiny silver blade and then at my wrist. I was ready. I was ready to see Stella again. Once the edge hit my skin, the pain became relief. But one cut wasn’t enough. Even though it was a long, deep gash, it didn’t measure up to the suffering I’d put her through. I’d broken her heart and she’d been killed. I started carving into my skin, deep and slow, until the blood turned into a grotesque, red ink. When I was done, I could only stare at my work for a few slow seconds.
YES, STELLA.
It didn’t matter that I was a year late. I’d answered her proposal the way I should have.
Then it went black.
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I looked at Kylee, who’d been dumbstruck by the quiet yet incredibly turbulent conversation with Stella. We left the coffee shop, and if there couldn’t be a better ending, there was a gruesome car crash right outside. I kept my eyes away from the scene. Wanting to get away from the tragic events of the day, Kylee drove me back to the hotel in which Stella and I had stayed. I saw the little red Bug in the parking lot and tried to peer inside the tinted glass to see if Stella was sitting inside. She was not. I hoped she wasn’t in the hotel room, because I didn’t want to see her cry anymore. It killed me.
“I’ll be right back, Kylee,” I whispered, and kissed her on the cheek.
I didn’t have much luggage to pick up, and since it turned out Stella wasn’t in the room, it didn’t take very long to retrieve. I returned to Kylee’s rental car, and we made our way to the airport, to go back to Toronto. I hoped the change of scenery would take the pang of guilt away.
A year after the ending of me and Stella, I still hadn’t recovered from seeing her agonized face. She’d proposed to me, and I’d rejected her and left her on the spot. After a lot of thinking and maturing, I was fighting the urge to think that I’d made a terrible mistake.
It was Christmas Eve, and I had a horrible attack of déjà vu. I was pushing it out of my mind, however, because it was the night before my wedding to Kylee. She was out with her friends, because she’d insisted on having a bachelorette party.
Stella wouldn’t have needed a bachelorette party. She couldn’t wait to be married.
Bad thought, I told myself. But I couldn’t ignore the Stella thoughts. I ended up missing her voice, which happened often, but never to this extent.
I had to call her.
I needed to call her.
I called her house. I knew that even if she didn’t pick up, her mom would.
“Hello?”
I was right, her mom did answer.
“Hi. It’s…Audrey.”
“Oh. Hello Audrey.”
“I’m so sorry about what happened.”
“No, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t see how it wasn’t.”
“You weren’t the one driving the car, Audrey.”
Pause. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but talking to Stella was more important than finding out.
“Can I talk to Stella, please? I really need to. I miss her.”
“Audrey…don’t be like that…you know what happened.“ Her mom sounded very somber all of a sudden. Almost angry.
“I know, I know. But please. Is she there?”
I could almost hear her mom’s pain in the silence.
“I thought…I thought you were there with her. I thought you saw it. You were in Seattle with Stella last Christmas Eve.”
“I was, yeah, until she left the coffee shop…”
“Honey…Stella was killed immediately outside of the coffee shop. She was hit by a car.”
The images came back. Stella crying…running out of the coffee shop…seeing the crash outside, but leaving with Kylee, unaware of the horror of what really happened.
“Stella. My Stella. She’s dead,” I muttered, more to myself than anything. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“I still have the ring she had for you. It’s so beautiful. I don’t know how she ever afforded anything like that. But she really loved you. She must’ve spent everything she had on it. Only the best for her Audrey,” her mom chuckled, then fell back into the sad silence. It was obvious she didn’t know what I had done.
We sat there, both thinking about the beautiful girl we’d both loved.
Why had I ever told her I didn’t love her?
“Honey…I think it would’ve meant a lot to Stella if you had the ring. Why don’t you…why don’t you come over here and take it? You were my daughter’s only love, and I always knew that, no matter how reluctant I was to accept it when she was alive.”
When she was alive. The sound of those words made me ache inside, beyond any comparison.
I told her mom I’d be there as soon as I could, that I was out of town. That night, I caught a flight to Seattle, and drove past the places I’d been with Stella. The hotel. The beautiful hotel where we could’ve spent the night after our engagement. I could’ve touched her again. I could’ve told her I loved her again. She’d still be alive and I’d be able to make love to her every night and I’d never let anything happen to her. We’d be married and happy and…
There was the coffee shop.
I sped past it, wanting to avoid all of the memories.
After the drive to Stella’s old house, I stopped outside the front door. I could see in the window a picture of me and her, the beautiful, amazing, funny, happy, vibrant, lively, smart, talented…perfect Stella. She’d scrawled in the same handwriting as was on the ring a note tied to the picture:
AUDREY! I love you. I’ll always love you. That’s a promise I can make, whether you believe it or not. You’re my baby.
With tears flowing uncontrollably from my eyes, smearing black down my face, I rang the doorbell. Her mom answered, and the moment she saw me, she started crying as well. She hugged me, and slid the ring on my finger. I stepped away to admire the beautiful diamond. Stella had wanted to marry me so bad.
“W-where is she b-buried?” I stuttered. It didn’t seem right that I had to ask that question.
“The cemetery behind our church. Her grave is beside the bench where you guys used to sit when you were younger. I thought it suited her.”
I didn’t have enough senses about me to drive to her grave, so I walked. It was possibly the longest walk of my life.
There it was, the bench. We’d had our first kiss there. That’s where I’d told her I’d marry her someday. I couldn’t comprehend that I’d taken all of the happiness she’d had then and disposed of it like it was nothing. She hadn’t deserved that. I’d really and truly loved Stella, but I was too fucking stupid to hold on to her. She was the best. She was the best thing I’d ever had in my life. Kylee… Kylee would never compare. She wasn’t as pretty, or as smart, or funny. She wasn’t as adorable. She didn’t have the loud, ringing laugh. She didn’t have the facial expressions, the little scrunched up nose when she was pretending to be angry or the huge, bright grin. Her eyes were nothing compared to Stella’s big, round, blue ones. Stella couldn’t be compared with anyone. And now she was dead.
I sat down on the bench. I opened my purse. My fingers tumbled through the contents until I found what I was looking for. Scissors. I had saved them for just this occasion. I looked at the shiny silver blade and then at my wrist. I was ready. I was ready to see Stella again. Once the edge hit my skin, the pain became relief. But one cut wasn’t enough. Even though it was a long, deep gash, it didn’t measure up to the suffering I’d put her through. I’d broken her heart and she’d been killed. I started carving into my skin, deep and slow, until the blood turned into a grotesque, red ink. When I was done, I could only stare at my work for a few slow seconds.
YES, STELLA.
It didn’t matter that I was a year late. I’d answered her proposal the way I should have.
Then it went black.