I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby

I frowned as the boy tugged me around on the bed; like a rag doll. Which in all honesty I was beginning to feel like one with every passing day. That’s all I was used to now. Being pushed around, forced to do things, my body was nothing more than a tattered play thing. Though this boy, Nate, was attempting to make me comfortable and I was far too nice to speak the pain he was actually putting me through and I truly hoped he would end it soon.

“So, you’re all set for the night. If you need anything I’m like right next door, hon’. “

Nate murmured finally pulling the blanket over my fragile frame. I could not find my voice. Fuck, I wanted to thank him. He had put up with me and my howls of pain for hours and I couldn’t even thank him. I was nervous. I appreciated his help greatly, but I wanted to be alone. I needed to think. I needed to control my thoughts. Why was Arrow always there? I can remember ever detail of my nights there. I could remember all the vicious things he ever slurred at me, or the things he let his friends do. I also remembered how he told me he loved me, how gentle he could be at the most amazing times. Sometimes he treated me like a prince and others like a filthy commoner. I didn’t mind though. With him any attention was good. He was a drug. He infected with you. He got under your skin until he manipulates you; turns you into something you’re not.

I watched Nate leave and cautiously turned on my side wincing at the slight pain that seared up my side. It felt amazing to be in a real bed. It had been months since the last time I had actually slept in one. A lot of people stayed at Arrow’s apartment we were always stuck on a make-shift pallet and he got most the pillows. I got used to it though. I got used to a lot of things there; all for his love. How pathetic. The pain in my side was for nothing because soon I was back to lying on my back just staring up at the ceiling. I was not getting any sleep tonight.

If anyone were to ask what I had endured in those months I could write a novel, but no one would ever read it. It would be the same events just based on different days, different characters, and different reasons. Don’t get me wrong the relationship was beyond perfect in the beginning. I felt like I was on cloud nine every time I was around that man, but it just stopped on day. I couldn’t pin point the exact day, maybe around the same time I stopped hanging around Sixx; somewhere around the week. It was small little incidents that I didn’t pay much mind to. Just a few little slaps and soft slurs in my innocent ears. That’s how It started. I thought it was me; I still think it was me. How could he be perfect one day and horrible the next? I had to do something to ruin our little fairytale. I could feel it in my bruised bones.

After the first few weeks of his new found attitude it just went downhill. The rules started, the hitting, the drug abuse, the strangers touching me. Even now I could feel those hands all over my delicate body; taking away that beautiful innocence I held so dearly inside me. Take it like the whore you are. I could still hear that gravelly voice in my ears, that hot breath against me porcelain skin. It wasn’t even with Arrow. He said his friend had to make sure I was pure enough for him and the next still wasn’t Arrow. No, he was one of the lasts. He said it was a punishment for hanging off Sixx like I used to. He said I wasn’t worthy of his touch. All I deserved were those rough hands on my delicate hips.

Arrow was always gentle though. His touch never burned; unless I made him mad. He told me it was all for the future, he was prepping me for the pain to come. Was the world really that bad? Were they really going to hurt me like he had? I didn’t want to think about this anymore. I couldn’t think about this anymore. It made me miss him. Why couldn’t I forget him? He hurt me in the worst way but here I am wanting nothing more than to be in his arms. Why couldn’t I hate him? I knew the reason; I just never wanted to confess it. He was the only other person to love me other than Sixx. Sixx…I needed him right now. I needed to feel safe. I felt so exposed in here by myself.

“Sixx…”

My broken voice called softly, so softly I was surprised to see him walk in minutes after. How had he heard? Why had he come? I thought for sure he would have left me in that apartment. I had barely whispered the word but here Sixx was cradling me in his strong arms. I couldn’t find my voice I just whimpered and cried trying to find comfort in the place I used to love. I wanted Arrow. I wanted Sixx’s lips against my own again. I wanted to sleep, but with sleep came the dreams plagued with all the men’s faces. The moaning, the thrusting, the juices that dripped down my legs, the pain that ripped through my spine, the cold showers every other day. My dreams would never be a happy place again and I could all but blame the male I loved so dearly.

“I need him.”

I whispered fisting my fingers through Sixx’s shirt pulling my trembling body closer, my face soon burying in the crook of his neck as the tears came. I needed him. I didn’t want to look at my friend’s face. I knew he would be disgusted. I knew he would only think of me as pathetic. Sixx wouldn’t understand. No one would ever understand the need I had for him. No one. Just like Arrow had said the night before. He was the only who would ever love me, who would ever understand me.

“Shh.” Sixx shushed me softly his fingers knotting and twisting through my hair. I knew my friend wasn’t good with emotions, he never was. I didn’t mean to put him in a position like this. I should have stayed curled up on the floor. I shouldn’t have called Sixx. He had his own problems. He didn’t need my petty ones. I shook my head rejecting his soothing whispers. He didn’t understand. How could I just shush? There were so many things I needed to say. Things that would never be shared.