I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby

I sighed softly and pushed a hand through my long black hair, staring out the rain drenched windows. It was the middle of the night, but sleep was evading me. Not like it wasn’t a normal routine but instead of the demons of my past haunting me it was Nyk. I shook my head half tempted to go out and meet up with Ryder and Andy, the two would probably have something that could knock out an elephant and I wanted it.

Almost as much as I wanted Arrow’s head. Almost I couldn’t fight the urge to let go and track him down. It was too strong to fight off anymore. I grabbed my iPod shoved the skullcandy head phones into my ears and started blaring Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch. Soon not long after I found the devil device switching to Far From Home. My thoughts turned more morbid. Death, and lots of it. Though I didn’t really have a home to return to. There wasn’t anything there worth returning to. Rain was the closest thing to family I had. Not like that was a step up or anything.

Nate walked into the living room where I sat staring out the window, and slowly sank down next to me. “So…I’m gonna take a wild guess and say you care about him?” I growled at his choice of words. I didn’t care about anything. Nothing but getting high, getting drunk and trying to end my life. Really that was what I lived for.

“Okay fine, so you don’t ’care about him’ but you care for him.” He rephrased, having been used to my growls and unresponsive glares. Nate for some reason continued to push, though thank god he came with the survival instinct built in. Otherwise I would have snapped and killed him a long time ago.

’I need him’ that’s what rang in my ears. Shaking my head in an attempt to disperse the ugly thoughts that plagued them I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. My eyes felt tired, and like lead was weighing them down, but my mind was moving a mile a minute. I couldn’t stop to think, but my body was demanding sleep. Getting up I nearly knocked Nate off the couch, before I grabbed the stash of pain killers I’d managed to keep out of Rain’s sights for this long. Fuck it if he found ‘em now. I popped a handful of the oxycotin into my mouth and swallowed them down without a problem. Grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniels I chugged about four shots worth out of it in one go.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” Nate all but screamed, making me flinch slightly as the drugs took hold and he got about a thousand times louder. But then the numbness took a hold and I smiled, probably looking deranged, at him flopping sideways against the couch’s arm. I felt Nate pull my phone out of the pocket of my skinny jeans. I didn’t know, or care, what he was doing.

“You’re gonna kill yourself if you do that. Who the hell keeps giving you this shit?” He panicked as he stared at my phone trying to figure out who to call.

“Ryder,” I mumbled, answering a number of his questions. At least I think. I felt Nate pull me up right, which must have been a feat for him.

“You have got to get that shit out of your system; now! Do you know what that could do to you?” He asked the rhetorical question, since I did indeed know what it could do to me. But I didn’t care.

“Don’t ask stupid questions, of course I know, but I don’t give a fuck.” I scowled at him “now shut up, you’re ruining my peace.” At that point I think he was fed up with my behavior, at least I think so, since he backhanded me hard enough that my head snapped to the side.

“Oh don’t be a pussy, hit me.” I sneered, I enjoyed the pain, and the slight flare of emotion it brought on through my haze. At that point I knew I’d crossed the line I’d drawn in the sand a long time ago. I mean I’d been toeing it for a while, but…I hadn’t ever crossed it till now. Nate complied with my demand and hit me, hard enough to make the metallic, coppery tang of blood explode in my mouth. I spat the mixture of saliva and crimson blood onto the carpet and smirked at him.

“Oh come on my grandpa hit harder than you. Then again so did my grandma.” I smirked at him, truthfully when I was wasted, drugged or any other form of inebriated was the only time I talked about things that the counselors tried to pry out of my jaws. But then old habits die hard and I grabbed a hold of Nate, slamming him into the wall opposite the couch and pinned him there with my whole body.

“Here’s the thing you should know about me Natey. I don’t like people who push me, I tend to hurt them; badly.” I snarled in his ear, watching as goosebumps appeared on his neck and the skin below my lips. I could feel him shudder, whether out of fear or something else I don’t know. I pushed off the wall, forcing my body away from him and grabbed my jacket and car keys, leaving the apartment, and a rather stunned Nate leaned up against the wall.

Half stumbling half falling down the stairs I made it to my car, and after a few tries got it fired up and running before peeling out of the parking lot. What I needed now was sex, or a punching bag. Whichever one I found first would suffice. I turned on my radio and found Asking Alexandria’s cover of 18 and Life blaring from my speakers. Sadly it was one song that described me perfectly. I drove, well as best I could, to the one place no one would look for me. There was a cliff that over looked the town, and if I could get there I could think in peace. But I wasn’t sure how close I’d get after the stunt I pulled Rain would be hot on my trail.

I found myself pulling up to the cliff without a problem, well there were a few bumps along the way but that’s not important. What was important was that I made it up to the cliff, and I didn’t get pulled over by a cop. Parking my car I climbed up onto the hood and stared at the night/early morning sky. It didn’t make any sense. Why did Nyk need that son of a bitch? He wasn’t anything that someone would ever need. Though I guess neither was I. I closed my eyes and felt my world start to spin as the liquor and the pills started to really kick in.

Nate still had my phone, or at the very least it was in the apartment and I wasn’t going back there any time soon. I felt my eyes get heavier than they had been previously. Sleep was begging to overtake my sleep deprived form. And for once I think I was going to let it. Maybe I’d die.

Maybe I wouldn’t make it off this damn cliff and I wouldn’t have to go back to the daily hell I called my life. I didn’t know what to do; everything was falling apart faster than I knew what to do with it. Nyk wasn’t…Nyk anymore, he was someone else and I didn’t like it. At all.

I felt someone shaking me, hard. I groaned and opened my eyes, shutting them just as quickly, before slowly opening them, while holding a hand up to block the searing light. I had a killer hangover and I felt like shit, I didn’t want to be bothered. But when I saw just who exactly was shaking me I thought twice about striking them.

“What do you want Andy, and how the fuck did you find me?” I snarled the question at the petite raven and crimson haired girl who, before answering, handed me a bottle of red Gatorade and a pair of sunglasses along with two small blue pills.

“Rain called me after Nate woke him up saying you’d gone missing in a drugged haze and I figured this is where you would have gone. You sleep like the dead you know that?” She laughed softly pulling me off the hood of the car after I’d let the Aleve she’d given me kick in and make my head stop pounding.

“Why the fuck did you watch me sleep?” I scowled at her “that’s like some creepy assed Twilight shit.” I added thinking about it.

“It’s the only time you’re not frighteningly suicidal,” she shrugged answering my question but ignoring the fact that I’d just compared her to some sparkly fairy vampire. “Are we going to Denny’s or are you gonna jump off the cliff, cause if so please at least leave me your car keys.”

I scowled at her attempt at humor and dropped into the driver’s seat before firing the car up and driving down to the Denny’s. Once we were seated and she’d ordered two coffees, black. I felt at least a little bit better.

“What were you thinking Sixx?” She scowled at me, I guess now we were really gonna talk about what I’d been thinking last night.

“I get faded out of my fucking mind, and my car goes screaming off a cliff, sad story but no one really investigates and I get to be free from this shit. Or I could have just died on the hood of my car, in my sleep.” I shrugged taking a sip of my coffee before looking up to see Andy’s expression. I knew I was in for hell, but when I looked up it appeared to be more of a sorrow playing in her eyes.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She said, her voice cracking a little and I scowled softly.

“You shouldn’t waste your tears on me Andy, I’ve been living with a death wish since long before I moved here.”

“You’re sick, Sixx.” She sniffled causing me to shake my head “and I don’t really give two shits.”

“Well other people DO.” Her outburst took the both of us by surprise. I stared at her for a few seconds before shaking my head.

“They shouldn’t, I’ve given no one reason to, so Andy drop it. I ain’t gonna go talk to some quack and you’re not gonna be able to put me into an institution.” I scowled at her quietly.

“Oh yeah? Try me. You’ve been suicidal since I first met you Sixx, and I always accepted that that’s just who you are, but…there are people here who care about you. You don’t see it, but they do. And if you were to die at any given point they’d be devastated. And I don’t give a damn what you want, one more time like this, and I’m throwing your ass in a loony bin.” She pointed at me before getting up and leaving cash for her coffee. I shook my head and stood up as well dropping the correct amount for the coffee I’d drank before pushing my sunglasses back over my gold hazel eyes.

“I’m a sadistic, masochistic asshole with a death wish and suicidal tendencies out the wazoo. I don’t like people, I like to hurt them; I’ve seen shit that would make even the sickest of convicts skin crawl. I’m a step above insane and most days it ain’t even a full step, so Andy there isn’t anything you can do about it.” I said mundanely, it was as normal as talking about the weather for me. Not that we did that often, but if we did it’d be in that tone.

“What about Krys and Nyk?” Her voice was quiet, almost like she was accepting defeat. But I knew she wasn’t.

“What about them? Krys and I don’t work together and Nyk…what do you want me to say about that? I want blood for what happened to him, and I don’t even know the full story. I just know that Arrow did something to fuck him up and for that I’ll kill him, but he needs someone to take care of him, and that isn’t me.” I shook my head at her before walking out to my car and climbing in, I noticed then that Ryder’s car was parked next to mine and I knew that this could either be very bad or absolutely nothing.

I hoped it was nothing. I was still feeling the effects of last night and I didn’t feel like getting into a fist fight with Ryder. Who could, and probably would, kill me for speaking to Andy that way.