Everybody's Singing Like They're Crazy In Love

The next few hours were a blur of red and blue lights, hospital beds, white coats, no answers and the pounding of my own head. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t feel anything, my whole body had become this numb cocoon and nothing, not even the sight of Alex and the whole band here to support me could break that, not even Dad and Julia could break that.
Nothing could break my body from the shock and thoughts that were circling my mind. I didn’t even get to tell her I was pregnant, she was meant to be the one that was going to pull me through this. Everything was going to be okay, because I had mum. But not now, nothing was okay. Nothing would ever be okay.

“Holly, do you want something to eat?” Dad asked as we walked out of the hospital, mums belongings in hand.
“No, I just want to sleep” I replied, getting into the car and waiting for dad to drive away. I had completely shut Alex out; I hadn’t even acknowledged him when he walked into the door. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t look at Courtney, and I couldn’t look at anyone. I didn’t know what to do with myself and the more I thought about it the more confused and upset I became about everything else. Nothing was going to bring mum back, I knew that in my head and it all made sense, but in reality, the thought of everyone else getting on with theirs lives hurt me the most.

I decided then and there that I had to go back to Australia. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know when but I wasn’t living here in spit of my father anymore, I only originally stayed her because mum wanted to, and then there’s Alex.

Alex and I have been down a path, and it’s been good, it’s been more than good it’s been amazing. And we’re having a baby, and I love him, more than any other human being on this planet, he is the most amazing person to ever come into my life, and I know it’s going to be hard. But he was to stay here and look out for Courtney, get back into his band and stop putting his life on hold for me.

I can look after the baby on my own, I can tell people that it was my choice to leave him and that if he ever wanted to be a part of its life, he can come and see me in Australia. I will always be waiting for him. But I can’t live here in America, while the rest of my family get a phone call from dad explaining what happened. I need to be with them.

Once we got home I went straight to my room and pulled out my suitcases, I pulled out my clothes and started to arrange them into it. I wasn’t wasting anytime; I needed to get out of here, forever.
“Holly!” Dad exclaimed. “What are you doing?” He asked.
“What does it look like?” I replied packing more stuff as I went.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“Home” I replied simply.
“This is your home Holly” He replied.
“No dad, this is your home, it always has been, always will be.” I replied.
“I’m going back to Australia, to be with Nan and Pop, and every other relative that actually gives a shit about mum. Unlike yourself and Julia” I said putting emphasis on the ‘j’.
“Holly, you know what that is not true, I love your mother just as much as what you do”
“Pffft, don’t even get me started on this argument dad”
“Holly. You are not going back to Australia, I need to keep you here and make sure you’re alright” He replied.

“Oh, so now you need to look after me, what about the other 12 months we’ve been here dad and you’ve been wrapped in the Julia bubble and you couldn’t give a shit about me or mum. Little own the fact that I’ve had my own issues to deal with, and I needed someone to look after me. But of course that doesn’t matter, because it’s always going to be about you and how happy you are, and you only want me here to make yourself happy, whether or not I’m happy doesn’t really seem to faze you. And I’m sure if you ask Julia she wouldn’t mind me leaving either, so you can go back to your bubble and she can have all your attention and in 10 years time when she realizes that you’re just as selfish as we first said, have a nice lonely life” I screamed as the tears had started to stream down my face.

I zipped up my suitcases full of the clothes that I brought here and the ones from home grabbed all my other bits and pieces and stormed out of the house, never to return again.

And as I got into my car, the only person I wanted to be with was my mother, and the fact that I couldn’t tore me to pieces.