The Fear.

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and I want loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

People think that when you become famous that it’s all about the fame, the money, the glamour.

They’re wrong.

Trust me, I know. When I first started, everything was fabulous. I got my money, I got the coolest clothes, the best jewellery, the fastest cars. I didn’t care much about other people, it was all about me. My assistants used to call me The Wicked Witch of the West behind my back, but I didn’t care. They were just jealous of me.

And I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
Cuz everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

Any press was good press for me. I didn’t care if the tabloids talked trash about me, or if they spread rumours. Either way, they were talking about me, giving me attention, and that’s all that mattered.

I guess you could say I was blinded by it all. Everyone always says that if they get famous, they’ll stay humble, that they won’t let it get to their heads. I used to say that, too. You realize once you step into this world (because that’s what it is, a truly different world) you can’t help but get a big head. You see all the little people, and you know that you’re truly special, you’re above them. And then you get a big head.

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

When you first join this elite team of A-listers, you don’t realize the hold they have on you.

You just think they’re all your friends, that they like you for who you are. That’s a lie. They only let you in because you’re new, you’re fresh. People are watching you, and by association, they’re now watching them.

They make it seem that they hold your entire career in their hands. The way they control you is with fear. They make you think that if you disobey them, they’re going to make sure you never get a job again. Of course, it’s a lie, but you don’t know that because you’re new. They keep their control over you by the fear.

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers -
It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so effin fantastic

People don’t realize how truly awful celebrities can be. Sure, they may seem like saints in the public eye, but that’s only when they’re out in the open, when they know that people are watching them. When they step back into the shadows, they turn into their true selves. The masses look up to them when they shouldn’t.

I didn’t think about this when I first started, of course. I was just glad they were paying
attention to me, that they liked me, that a few of the younger girls looked up to me. I was getting paid to have fun, and look good, and it was all okay.

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
It’s not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

Another thing that happens when you become a celebrity is the money. That’s an obvious perk. You get all this money, and if you’re like me, you don’t know what to do with it. So you spend it. Spend it on junk you don’t need, junk you don’t even want. Just stuff that’ll make you look cooler. And you buy, and waste money, and buy some more.

Of course, when companies see celebrities wearing things, they know that the masses will buy the stuff as well. So they encourage it, telling you you look gorgeous in their stuff. You believe the hype, and buy more, getting them more money. It’s just a cycle.

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Now that I’ve taken a step back, I don’t know what happened to me. I lost myself in the glamour life. I was just a puppet of the media, of the movies, of the other starlets I considered my friends.

I was under everyone’s control, not making a move, not saying a word until I was told exactly
what I should do. I thought nothing could touch me, because I was on top of the world. Really, I was on the bottom.

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I’m getting thinner

As I continue to type this, I hope that whoever reads this knows that this is truth. I hope it’s a girl who has followed people that I used to idolize, and realizes that she doesn’t need to be like them. They aren’t people to idolize. Trust me.

I’m not perfect, either. I’ve done my share of things, spread rumours, and said things I shouldn’t have. But I’m sorry for all of it. And I’m stopping now. I realized what I did was stupid, and pointless.

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by fear

This is my last public act. As soon as this letter is over, I’m going back to being a nobody. Listen to me. You don’t have to be cool to be happy. Being famous isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are lies, deceit, and it’s not fun. I’m done with being afraid. If you’re one of the A-listers, and you’re reading this, good riddance. I’m revealing all of your true secrets. You are all lying, conniving crazies. I’m not afraid anymore. You can’t control me.

Goodbye, America.

Love, Mackie Till.