The Sadness Will Never End.

Saving myself from this weakness. It was a hard concept to follow, but the promises wouldn’t be broken. I told him I would be alright, and I was sure of it. I needed to hold myself together for only a little longer. I needed to hold in there. No way was I going to fall and let myself break into pieces. I just hit my head on the wall, closing my eyes tightly. I needed to think about something else. I needed to stop having these thoughts that could haunt anyone. They could scare anyone. They didn’t scare me. They didn’t scare him. It was a horror movie that we both enjoyed. Who needs the newest gore movie that hit number one in the box office when you have your own mind?

The dust from the walls hit my dead black hair, and I just sat there. I looked up at the faint light. It was a broken thing. It was a thing that was there all the time. You couldn’t even call it a light because it hardly once. It wasn’t bright. It gave nothing to the room. All it did was sit there. It was practically like me. I wasn’t bright. I was a nothing thing. I wasn’t even a person, I was a thing.

As the dust broke off from the ceiling, moving across the air, and onto my head, I bit my lips. I waited and waited, but nothing happened. My father was gone for awhile now, but it was more then normal. The sounds of wolves in the distance were breaking thoughts. I liked getting distracted. It made me feel more comfortable. I was not comfortable in my own skin. It was tragedy and all.

I let my legs stretch in front of me, sniffing the air. He was back early tonight and all I could smell was the smell of sick. I brought myself to get up from the ground. I walked on the old creaky hardwood floor, to the big glass window at the top of our house. My room was located here. A big, french like window was practically the whole wall of my room. At all times it was open and I wasn’t sure why. Probably just for the reasons of getting distracted. The lake was never in use, but watching the animals around it was quite fascinating to me. If I didn’t get that feeling when I was around them, I’d love to be around the forest animals more often.

The window was fully open. The wind from the crisp fall morning was rolling in. I let myself sit down on the edge, and hang my feet over the side. I never have a fear of heights even though it wasn’t something to be afraid of. I could always catch my fall. Some people I know are scared of heights even though they know they could catch themselves. Across the field below me, my father ran by himself, the smell creeping up my noise and my mind going crazy. I needed to stop.

He kept bringing more addiction into the house. I kept telling him that I didn’t want it. I wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to do anything of the sort. I don’t like what I am. I need to change it, even though it’s impossible. The more I didn’t get what my body needed, the more the thoughts rolled into my mind and trapped themselves in the walls of my mind. It’s like I could never win.

The house shook, and the foot steps of him were faint. I let myself fall from the edge and onto the grass. I didn’t want him to force me to do anything like he always. I’d be gone till the morning when I had to go and face the real world like every other teenager in the town. It’s just awkward because I live outside of town. No one gets my family at all.

It was impossible to see anything in this grass. My dad doesn’t believe in cleaning the yard. He say’s that it’s there for a reason and it’s nature. He doesn’t want to hurt Mother Nature even though he eats half the things that live on her. I shuddered at the thought. I just kept walking. I broke promises. I broke the promise to my dad. He doesn’t like the fact that I inherited the curse from my grandma.

She was exactly like me. She did not want anything to do with the thing she was. Therefore she died from not getting what she needed. It wasn’t helping that she was possessed by the worst things in life. Dad told me that it was because we weren’t getting what we needed, so it chased our minds. It’s supposed to help us to going back to doing what we’re supposed to do, but we never do.

My father is worried because think’s I’m going to dry out. I’m not going to be able to walk or even talk. He thought that. I thought I was going to do just fine. I could get through it and I wasn’t going to die. I didn’t have to be like this, and I knew that. He just keeps trying me to get addicted. The smells and the persuasive words. I wouldn’t let it get to my head though. It’s not like it could either. It was full to the top. It was like everything that was in there, was tightened in there. Everything else slipped through.

My father made me tend school because he thought it would help me become more social. I hardly talk to him, so he thought it would make me become more talkative. It wasn’t the best idea because I don’t learn anything. My teacher’s complain about my day dreaming and looking off into the distance. They didn’t know that it was more of a torture to me then just dreaming about the new cast member on The Hill’s last night.

They worry about me. My teacher’s worry about me. My father complains about them calling all of the time. It’s his fault for putting someone as fucked up as me in school. There was no way any one in public could take that. They didn’t know who or what I was. The one thing that people did know when they looked at me is that I wasn’t normal. I wasn’t one of those normal citizen teenager’s from Dawson Creek, British Columbia. I wasn’t and everyone knew that. I was the outsider.

The mist of the morning was rolling behind me as I walked. I thought about the way my father reacted, when I wasn’t there. He’d be able to find me in a second. He knows where I am because he can always see me, but he doesn’t follow me. He gives me the time to think but he still talks about it later. He wants me to stop running away and get in touch with who I am because it can’t change.

I knew that I could prove him wrong. I locked myself in my mind. By seeing the normal teenagers, I know I could do it. Without my father’s voice ringing through my ears and this bloodbath thoughts, I could do so much more with myself. I couldn’t break my promise. I promised my dad I’d show him how I could be normal. I didn’t need the juices that most immortals needed. I just needed to be me.