Look Closer

"Chelley!" Mikey called from the living room.

She rolled her eyes and continued picking up the mess that had taken up residence in her room. "What?" she yelled back. When he didn't respond, she assumed it wasn't important and just shrugged to herself.

It was her first actual day off where she hadn't been called into work to cover someone else's shift since she had gotten her job back and she was quite content to get her room back into a state of organization and run a few errands. And when she was finished with everything else, she had dinner plans with Jack.

"Chelle!" Mikey called again, only this time he was closer to her bedroom.

She sighed and dropped her dirty clothes into the laundry basket and pulled the door open just before her roommate knocked on it. "What?" she asked, somewhat irritated.

"Ooh, fussy, aren't we?" he asked. She just gave him a look that said to get on with it. "There's someone at the door for you," he said.

"Who is it?" she inquired.

He shrugged. "Don't know. Some guy. Asked for you by your full name," he said.

Chelley raised an eyebrow. "That's weird," she said and walked toward the front of the apartment.

She pulled the door open without hesitation. In front of her stood a tall boy with light brown hair and brown eyes. He looked vaguely familiar but she couldn't place him.

"Rachelle Stanford?" he asked before she had a chance to say anything.

"Yes," she said, confusion playing across her face.

The boy held a manila envelope out to her, which only confused her more. "You've been served," he said when she took it from him and he quickly turned to walk away.

Her jaw dropped and she quickly tore the envelope open to see what she was being served with. Her feet felt like they were glued to the floor. She pulled the papers out of the envelope. Her stomach dropped when she saw the large print at the top of the first page and her eyes started to well up as she continued reading.

She almost couldn't believe it. Even though she could feel the paper and the print seemed to immediately burn into her brain, she couldn't believe what was happening. Finally convincing her feet to move, she slammed the door shut and rushed past Mikey.

"What is it?" he asked.

She couldn't say anything and merely shook her head. In her room, she quickly slid her feet into a pair of shoes and grabbed her purse, no longer caring about the state of disarray her room was still in and rushed back through the apartment and out the door.

If anyone asked her, she wouldn't remember if she took the stairs or elevator. She wouldn't remember getting in her car or that she was inexplicably bawling her eyes out for the entire drive. Or that she spent ten nearly ten minutes trying to calm herself before getting out of her car. She would have no idea if she ran a red light or missed a stop sign. All she would know was that she somehow ended up on Cassie's doorstep.

The door opened and the second Cassie took in the younger girl's puffy eyes, she began to worry. "What's going on?" she said, purposely avoiding asking if she was okay. The answer to that was more than obvious.

Chelley held the manila envelope out to Cassie, who took it from her and pulled out the papers, the same way she had done not long before. "Why would he do that?" she asked as she walked past the older girl and into the house.

"He filed for annulment," Cassie commented. "That's what you wanted," she said.

"But why wouldn't he tell me?" Chelley asked. "I mean, we were supposed to go take care of it together but he's been making up excuses all week for why he can't go. And the real reason was because he just went and did it without me," she said. The tears started falling all over again and she didn't even bother trying to hold them back or stop them.

"But this is what you wanted," Cassie said again.

Chelley nodded and ran her hands over her wet cheeks, wiping the tears away. "I know," she said. "I know I'm the one who wanted it. He didn't. So why did he just go and do it anyway?" she asked.

Cassie sighed. It was becoming very clear what this was about. "Chelley," she said, "Are you mad that he did it without you, or just that he did it, that he gave you want you said you wanted?"

The younger girl just shrugged. Cassie led her into the kitchen, grabbing a box of tissues on the way. She set them on the table and the grabbed two water bottles from the refrigerator and placed one on the table in front of where Chelley sat down. Instead of sitting at the table, the older girl hopped up on the counter and looked at her friend.

"Look," she began, "I get it. Of all the people you could have gone to, I actually get it. And do you know why? Because I was you, in a way. So, would you like me to explain to you why you're upset?" she asked.

Chelley sighed. "You can try. But if I don't know, and it's all happening to me, then I don't know how you could possibly know," she said.

"I didn't want to love Alex," she started. "Believe me. I pushed him away in every possible way. I told myself that he would be just like all the others. He didn't really care about me. He would hurt me. He would leave me another broken mess I would have to clean up all over again. I kept him at an arm's distance, no matter what he tried to do to show me how much he cared. And then, one night, he said something. Then I said something. And he said something else. And it wasn't only what he said, but it was the way he said it. And it all made sense for a minute. So I kissed him. And then I slept with him. And then in the morning, I asked myself what I was doing. So I immediately, before either of us had even gotten dressed, started to push him away. How awful is that?" she asked. Chelley only sighed and stared down at the table. "And then I pushed some more. And you know what happened? He did what I wanted him to do. He disappeared. He wouldn't answer my phone calls. He wouldn't respond to my texts. Nothing. And then, suddenly, I thought that maybe I didn't want him to leave me alone. So I went and found him. And he was mad at me. Oh, was he mad at me. And he had every right, you know? I was such a horrible bitch to him. And you know what he did? He apologized. After everything I did to him, he said he was sorry. I'm not entirely sure I ever did. But I realized that if I kept pushing him away, I was going to hurt myself more than he ever would be able to, given the chance."

The other girl just shrugged. "So?" she said. "What does this have to do with me and Jack?" she asked.

"It's not obvious?" Cassie asked. Chelley shook her head. "You don't get to choose who you love. It just happens. And if you push it away, you end up hurting so much more. You hurt because you pushed away someone who only wants to do wonderful, sweet, generous things for you. And then you hurt even more because you hurt that one person who would go and bring you the fucking moon if you asked him to," she said and fell silent, waiting for Chelley to say something, anything. But she didn't. "That's why you feel those knives stabbing at your stomach. And that's why you can't keep those tears from falling. Because somewhere deep down, you know Jack feels defeated. And all you want to do is go curl up next to him in a bed and fall asleep against his bony, hairy chest," she finished.

In spite of herself, Chelley laughed. "That very last part actually sounds incredibly uncomfortable," she said.

Cassie nodded. "I know it. But it won't feel that way. It will feel like you've been on a really long trip and you finally came home," she said. "Trust me."

They both fell silent. And after a few moments, Chelley just shrugged. "I just don't know. I hate that I'm hurting him because I really do care about him. It's just..." she sighed, "Marriage. It's such a huge thing."

"I can't tell you what to do," Cassie said. "I can only tell you what I would do."

"Which is?" the younger girl asked.

"I would give it a shot. You don't have to jump right into married life. Live apart, date, see if it's going to work. If it doesn't, what have you lost, really? But if it does, think of all the things you will have gained," she said but Chelley didn't seem convinced. "You will never know if you don't try. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what if?" she asked.

Chelley was quiet for a long time. She stared at the papers in front of her. She looked at Jack's name signed on them. And finally, she pulled a pen out of her purse. "You know, if he did this all on his own then he must believe that, even if he does love me, this won't work," she said.

She put the pen to the paper. As she began to sign her name, her eyes filled with moisture again. Her vision blurred from it, but she continued. Her insides ached. But he had been the one to do this. And if he didn't believe in it, why should she even bother?

When she was finished, she quickly shoved the papers back into the envelope and stood. She politely thanked the older girl for her time and advice and rushed out of the house. The tears poured down her face as she ran to her car and all the way to Alex's house, where Jack was. She couldn't bring herself to get out of the car, so she just sat and cried.

She wondered what had changed Jack's mind. He was the one who had seemed so positive that they could work out and had all but begged her to stay married to him. And then, he just seemingly gave up. Without warning. When things were starting to go so well between them.

Finally, she picked up her phone and sent Jack a text, asking him to come outside. Minutes later she could see the front door opening and she pushed open her own door and got out of the car. She knew she looked like a mess but she didn't care. He obviously didn't care anymore. Maybe he never did.

But when he approached her, his face fell. He had expected her to be there so early and definitely did not expect to see a tear soaked face.

"What's wrong?" he asked and she held up the manila envelope. "Oh," he said, "You got the papers." She nodded and sniffled. "That's what you wanted, right?" he asked.

She sighed, silently debating if she should just hand it back to him and leave or if she should say what she suddenly realized was weighing on her heart. She thought back to how Cassie said she went after Alex, she went after what she wanted. But they were very different girls. Cassie always seemed so much stronger. Like she could take anything that came her way, good or bad.

And she realized that she couldn't convince herself to hold the envelope out to him. So she took a deep breath. "I signed them," she said quietly. Jack did well to keep the disappointment from his face but the air suddenly changed between them. "I didn't get it before. You know, when you said that we should stay married. It didn't make sense. Why should we? And I really felt that way, although, I have to admit, I also felt really awful when you gave me your wedding band back. And it didn't make sense. None of it made sense to me. I thought I was so sure that I was doing the right thing. I thought my life would just go back to the way it was before. Before you, before Cassie, before Alex. Before I ever knew any of you existed. But then some guy shows up at my apartment this morning with this mysterious envelope and the second I open it I can just feel my entire world crashing down around me. So I went to Cassie. And I listened to everything she had to say about her and Alex and how this is the same thing. That I was just pushing you away because I didn't want to love you. But I told her she was wrong. I said that you did this on your own so that must have meant that you didn't believe we could work," she said. Tears were falling again. She was tired of them but just let them go anyway.

"No, Chelle," Jack began.

She put her hand up. "Don't," she said. "Just let me finish." Jack nodded. "And so I signed these stupid papers and it nearly killed me. And I found myself wondering if you felt the same way when you signed them. But I told myself, no, you must not have. Because if you did, you wouldn't have done this on your own. You would have waited for me and we would have done it together because it just hurt to much to do it alone. And then I left her place. And the entire way here, which, granted isn't very far, the whole time all I thought about was everything that has happened in the short time I've known you. And then I thought back to Alex and suddenly it seemed like everything that happened with the two of us was just leading me to meet you. And I realized something. Do you know what I realized Jack? Do you have any idea what realization I came to?" she asked.

Jack shook his head. "No, Chelle, I have no idea," he said.

"I realized that I couldn't even remember what my life was like before. What did I do with all my time? Who did I call when I needed someone to talk to? Who made me laugh until my sides hurt? Nothing came to mind. And then I wondered, did I ever feel this comfortable around anyone else? And I don't think I did," she said. Jack was looking at her very intently and opened his mouth to say something but she stopped him. "So this," she held up the envelope again, "This isn't what I want," she said quietly.

Jack just stared at Chelley. And she was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. With mascara stained cheeks, her hair sicking to sides of her face, she just absolutely took his breath away.

"Can I see those?" he asked. She handed the envelope to him and he slid the papers out and looked at where she had signed and then slid them back inside and put them on the hood of her car. And then he reached into his pocket.

"What is that?" she asked when his hand was free.

He pulled open the small black box and stared inside it. "I bought this the day you left Baltimore, after you were gone. Because I was hoping," he said and turned the box around so she could see the diamond ring inside. "That I would come back here and you would have changed your mind. And maybe, just maybe, you would agree to wear this," he said.

"Jack, I-" she said but he put a finger to her lips before she could get any other words out.

As he knelt down in front her, her heart rate sped up. She took a deep breath and then so did he. "Chelley, I know that we've gone about this in completely the wrong way. But the short amount of time we've known each other is all I need to know that I am completely and totally, one hundred and fifteen percent head over heels for you. So, will you please, please just give me a chance? Just one chance. That's all I'm asking. And if I screw it up horribly, you can throw this ring in my face and kick me in the balls and I will be gone from your life forever. That's a promise," he said.

Chelley laughed. And when she stopped, the biggest grin remained on her face. "Yes," she said. "I will give you a chance."

Jack took the ring from the box and slid it on her finger. He then stood quickly and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist, lifting her off the ground. Her feet kicked back behind her and she grabbed his face and kissed him with every emotion that was radiating throughout her.

"I just want to ask you one thing," she said when the parted.

"What's that?" Jack asked.

"Don't screw it up," she said.