Look Closer

"Thanks for making sure I got home okay," Chelley said to Jack as she reached for the handle to open the door of the rental car Jack had gotten from the airport. "I'm going to get this whole annulment thing figured out and I'll give you a call in a couple days."

"That's it?" he asked.

Chelley turned to look at Jack, confusion playing across her face. "What?" she asked.

"We can't hang out or even just talk on the phone? We're not even friends anymore?"

The disappointment in his voice stabbed at the girl's insides and she took her hand off the door handle, "I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, Jack. I still care about you and I want to be your friend. But I'm not going to change my mind about this whole marriage thing. I can't."

"I'm not going to try to get you to change your mind. You're right, we're not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I give up," he said quietly.

Chelley sighed, "I just need some time to myself to figure everything out. I'll call you in a couple days. I promise," she said, "Please try to understand."

"Yeah," Jack said, "Sure. I get it, Chelle. I'll see you whenever."

"Jack," she said, "Please don't be upset."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Just, figure your shit out. Figure out how we can get this taken care of. And then we can be just friends again."

Chelley nodded and reached for the door handle again, pushing it open and stepping out of the car. Jack popped the trunk and Chelley walked to the back of the car and grabbed her bag. After she shut the trunk she walked toward her apartment building, stopping just before she reached the door. Turning, she saw Jack pull away and she waved, but he didn't see.

When she got up to her apartment on the third floor, she stopped outside the door for a moment, knowing she would have to spill everything to her roommate once she was inside. After a deep breath, she slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open. And just as she expected, her roommate, along with two of her other friends were waiting for her. Mikey jumped up from the couch immediately and took her bag from her. As flamboyant as he could be at times, he was not the kind of gay guy who acted more like a girl than most girls did.

"He did even carry your bag up here for you?" he asked and Chelley shook her head, "What a bitch."

Chelley shook her head again, "No, he would have, under normal circumstances. We're at a kind of weird place right now," she said.

"So what happened in Vegas?" Bryanne asked, "And none of that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas garbage," she said.

With a heavy sigh, Chelley fell into the big reclining chair and looked at her friends, "I wish there was some way it could have stayed in Vegas," she said, holding out her left hand and showing everyone the cheap ring that adorned her finger.

"You got married?" Meghan asked, her eyes the size of baseballs. "Don't tell me it's to Alex. He cheated on you!"

"Oh, dear God, no," Chelley said, "I married Jack. And it's a huge mistake and we're getting it annulled."

Mikey's eyebrow raised, "Jack is a cutie," he said.

Chelley's eyes closed and she sighed, "Please, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me that I should stay married to him. I've been fighting that battle for the past four days with him, Cassie and Alex. Thankfully, Angie and Rian have good heads on their shoulders and agree with me that this whole thing is a complete sham."

"Hold up," Mikey said, "Jack wants to stay married? Why?"

Chelley shrugged, "Hell if I know. He's crazy. He said something about getting me to see life differently. But I don't want to, and I don't need to see life differently. I'm quite content with the way my life was going before this whole disaster and the whole Alex mess."

"Content?" Mikey asked, "You're content. Well, that's good, sweetie, but what about being excited about the way your life goes?" he asked. She shot a look at him and he quickly added clarification, "I'm not saying that you should stay married. I just mean that you shouldn't settle for content. You should be aiming for greatness. Don't you want to have adventures and experience things outside of this shitty city?"

"Not if it involves being married to someone I don't really know all that well."

"What do you mean you don't know him that well? Chelle, you spent almost every day with him since he told you about Alex. How can you not know him very well? Did you two not talk?" Meghan said.

Chelley squeezed her eyes closed and felt the room begin to close in around her. It was true, she had spent a lot of time with Jack, and they did talk. They talked about everything. But she had been able to use not knowing him well as an excuse until someone pointed out the opposite.

She sighed, "No, we talked," she said. "We talked a lot. And he's a nice guy. I'm just not ready for this. And neither is he."

"Look, Chelle," Bryanne said, "None of us are saying that you should stay married to him. We're all backing you up one hundred percent in your choice to get an annulment. But you can't lie to yourself. If you don't want to be married, that's fine. If you're scared of the way you feel about Jack so soon after what happened with Alex, that's fine. If it's something else entirely, that's fine also. But don't lie to yourself. Because you'll just end up feeling even more shitty about the whole thing once it's over."

"I don't know," she said, "I feel pretty shitty already."

"Why?" Bryanne asked.

Bryanne was the kind of person who wouldn't let certain things go without an explanation. It was her way of trying to get people to understand themselves better. And with a quality like that, one would think she was studying to be a psychologist. But she wasn't. Her heart belonged to history. She loved anything and everything in and about it.

"Because Jack is so upset about the whole thing. He wants to stay married even though he knows he isn't ready for it because he thinks it will help both of us in some way. But he just doesn't get it. And he says he's given up and knows he isn't ready, but it still hurts me to think that I hurt him so much by wanting this over."

"Why does it hurt you so much?" Bryanne asked.

"Because I care about him. He's a good guy. And he doesn't deserve to have his hopes crushed," she said.

Bryanne nodded, "I don't think this is just about Jack's hopes being crushed. I think there's something more. Come on Chelle, spill it."

Chelley shook her head, "No, that's it. It's about Jack," she insisted.

"And exactly which of us are you trying to convince?" Bryanne asked, "Or are you trying to convince yourself?"

"It's not like that," Chelley said.

"Then what is it like?" Meghan interjected.

She sighed, "I don't know! Jack said he's not ready, and he's not going to try to get me to change my mind anymore," she said.

"But...?" Bryanne pressed.

"But, I guess, I mean," Chelley sighed again then drew in a breath and looked at each of her friend then down at the floor, "Part of me does want to stay married."