Lullabies

I lay awake staring at the posters on my wall because I still couldn’t fall asleep. The words to Daniel’s song echoed in my head as I tried to forget them. I willed myself to forget everything that was going on in my head so I could sleep. I rolled over to see a shape standing in my doorway. “Alex?” I lifted my head off my pillow and squinted to see him better.

“I couldn’t sleep. I woke up shortly after you left.” He admitted as he walked over and lay next to me.

“I can’t either.” I spoke barely above a whisper. Alex was shirtless and his pants were low enough that saw the deep indentions above his hipbones. I looked away as the blood rushed to my cheeks. I hope its dark enough that Alex can’t see me blushing. I can’t help but think that he’s just simply and miserably beautiful and I can’t believe I just admitted that to myself.

“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked as he twirled some of my hair around his finger.

“Nothing really.” I lied.

“Oh.”

I paused before asking, “What about you?”

“Huh?” He said as he came out of a daze.

“What about you? What are you thinking about?”

“How much I enjoy your company.” He said smiling.

I turned on my side away from Alex and tried to go to sleep. If there was a situation out there that wasn’t awkward and Alex was in a ten mile radius he’d find a way to make it awkward. I want to love him but can’t, I want to be friends and he doesn’t. Isn’t there a way this could work and we could both be happy?

I felt Alex press his body against mine and drape an arm over me. I froze because spooning with Alex wasn’t exactly what I was expecting but quickly relaxed when I realized how warm he was. A few minutes past as I felt the rise and fall of Alex’s chest on my back and the slow steady beat of his heart. He slowly got up and turned me on my back so that he was straddling me. Alex lowered his lips down to meet mine. I froze as his lips touched mine but his kiss was so soft and sweet that I felt the need to melt into him. My hands were knotting his hair as his hands slipped down to the end of my spine, paused and pressed his fingertips lightly into my back.

He put a little more pressure into the kiss causing my lips to part; the kiss wasn’t so gentle anymore as it had become fierce. I heard a rush in my ears; my heart beat faster and I had a weightless feeling. Alex slid his hands half way back up my spine but this time under my shirt and back out as he pulled away.

I stared into his eyes speechless. His eyes held nostalgia and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “You have no idea how bad I want you right now.” He breathed.

I bit my lip afraid to speak, afraid to say something I would regret. He wanted me. “I’m sorry Alex. This isn’t right.”

“Who are you trying to convince, me or you?” I opened my mouth to speak but it was Alex who spoke first, “Don’t.”

I have never been a very emotionally stable person. Anytime someone told me no or said anything else negative to me I have always wanted to just cry by myself because I hated being so unstable. If I had to tell you one moment that hurt me the worst I’d have to say right now. Alex was right I was probably only trying to convince myself. Then again I hate being wrong.

Alex must have seen something in my face because he sighed and rolled over onto his back beside me. “Why, Jonna? Why?”

One tear ran down my face as I pressed my lips to Alex’s. It was salty and sweet causing more tears to flow. I’m not sure why I’m crying anymore but all I know is that kissing Alex is the most amazing feeling. I pulled Alex on top of me and kissed him harder. I wrapped my arms around his neck and could practically taste the surprise on his lips as he hurried to catch up with me.

His hands tugged at the hem of my shirt longingly as he itched to pull it off. I sat up and we broke the kiss long enough for Alex to pull my shirt over my head and fling it across the room. He hugged me close as we kissed passionately wrapped up in each others arms. Alex may be my best friend but best friends don’t do things like this or at least not any I’ve encountered.