Curse of Curves

I sat at the dinner table, twirling the spaghetti noodles, while staring aimlessly downwards.

Over a half hour ago I was up in Ethan’s room. I had made a move that I now regret. I had leaned in and kissed him. It was just tempting and…it wasn’t like he ever did anything to say he didn’t like the contact with me. When I kissed his cheek, threw my arm around him, or even when I had him pressed against the wall a while back.

But this time…he really had done something. He reacted, but not in the normal way. He didn’t blush, stutter for the correct wording, or sat there still like a statue.

This time he had pulled away, fast. Our lips barely touched for even a second before he had pulled away and stuttered out three words that really hurt, “Th-This n-n-never happened.”

I could still feel the guilt and pain in my chest a half hour later.

I didn’t exactly expect him to kiss back. I thought he’d blush, like he always did, and say something to quickly change the subject. I really didn’t think he’d pull away from me so quickly that he fell to the floor.

Did he think I was disgusting or something?

Did I push him too far?

Does he actually hate me now?

Sure as hell seems like it because he hasn’t talked to me since then.

I scowled as I stabbed a meatball with my fork. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ethan flinch. I didn’t say anything though as I continued eating, listening to our mothers’ talk about trivial things.

Finally they finished. I said good-bye with a fake smile and this time, unlike the last, I just waved to Ethan and walked out the door.

I wasn’t sure if I should touch him anymore. He seemed so freaked out by that little kiss. He was looking at me in a way that made me think that he actually hated what I did and that he might actually just hate me after that.

I sighed as I slipped into the passenger seat. I rested my head against the cool glass and watched as the houses went by.

“Arrow, is something wrong?” My mother asks from beside me.

“Nah, just tired,” I answer and fake a yawn.

“Well take a bath when we get home then go to sleep. I don’t want you falling asleep during school.”

“Ok,” I grumble as we pull to a stop in our driveway. I jump out and for once do as I’m told. When I finished my shower I slipped under the covers of my bed and rested my head on my pillow.

I debated on acting normal around Ethan tomorrow, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. It hurt to see him pull away like that. Had I actually gone too far?

I bit my bottom lip before shutting my eyes, forcing myself to sleep.

~

When I woke up the next morning I sat up and stretched before going to get ready. It didn’t take me long and my mother told me that tonight she had work and wouldn’t be back until midnight. I just shrugged it off before grabbing my iPod and started my walk to school.

I kicked the rocks under my feet as I stalked down the streets. I felt crappy today, probably from last night.

I just keep hoping that he doesn’t hate me. When I got here, everyone hated me, but then Ethan…he told me that he, unlike the others, didn’t hate me. It made me feel good, wanted actually and I liked it.

Now…what if he hates me too? I won’t have anyone here. Everyone will hate me. Everyone will think I’m dirt. Ethan will hate me.

That’s not exactly on my to-do list…but I think it had already happened.

Stupid, stupid Arrow!

I managed to get to school. I slipped my things into my locker before walking to first period. I passed Ethan, who was standing still at his locker. When he saw me he immediately stiffened, but I didn’t spare him a glance as I maneuvered around him.

I got to child development and slumped in my seat with my iPod still on. I turned it down so I wouldn’t get caught by the teacher and simply sat there in silence while I tapped my foot and occasionally bobbed my head to the music.

When the bell rang I stood up and walked out into the hall. I normally would wait for Ethan, say a cheesy pick up line, and watch him blush, but as I stood outside of the classroom and I saw him moving towards the door I imagined him looking at me again with the same look from last night.

My stomach knotted and I immediately moved to my next class.

~

For the rest of the day I pretty much avoided Ethan. I ran into him once, but it was actually on accident. When he looked at me in the hall I gave him a slight wave before moving on.

At lunch when he looked over at me I simply stared back for a second before going back to eating my food. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to him. It was just…I was scared to talk to him.

I didn’t want to see him look at me like I was wrong.

After all, the boy has lived in this religious community all his life. Having a boy, especially a boy like me; shunned from society and hated by everyone, has to be bad, disgusting, and well…wrong.

I didn’t want to be seen wrong in Ethan’s eyes. So maybe…if I act invisible or maybe a little more ‘perfect’ he’ll see me differently?

I sighed as I realized I couldn’t do that. Even if I tried to be ‘perfect’ it won’t happen because I’m simply me and that’s how I always believed it to be and I’m sure I can’t change that.