Can You Find Me?

Tapping my finger on the counter all day wasn’t exactly anyone’s words to describe fun. I sat here on a stool, sitting at the cash, waiting. My friend, well, not really friend. His name was Henry. I know, who name’s their kid that anymore? Well, he was a guy in grade eleven who went to school downtown. After school and on weekend’s he worked here. It’s not that he was annoying or anything, he was just a little off. He was nice, but too loud sometimes. I don’t say anything though. I just keep my mouth shut.

The whole place was quiet. I know, it’s the middle of Detroit. Out of the big glass windows that said ‘Milly’s Café’ on the front, I could see various cars swoosh by. I just nodded my head to the old school music playing in the background, hoping something would happen, even though nothing would. Carson would walk in for lunch soon and talk to me for a bit, and that would be the highlight of my day.

Tonight, I’ll go home and make something to eat. I’ll see if there is anything on television, which there probably won’t be. Then, I’ll pull out my big box of movies that I’ve been collecting for most of my life. It’s probably not the best thing, but I compare and learn everything from those movies. So, I’ll probably pull one out, and watch it curled up in a blanket while Carson is out with Piper.

A elderly man walked into the shop and walked over to the counter. Before I could even ask him what he wanted, Henry ran in front of me and did his job. I just sighed, looking around the shop. There was girl sipping on her cappuccino while typing away on her laptop. I think we don’t get as much business because it’s the starting of summer. Everyone was getting off school. They’re drinking more alcohol then coffee. Then something hit me, Henry would be here more often.

He’s a great kid and all, but the way he talks. He’ll sit there when the place is dead, which is most of the time, and just talk away. Henry will tell me about his friends and problems. And not to sound like a bitch, I don’t want to hear. Since I don’t have Stephen or Jess around anymore, I don’t like getting into deep conversations. I usually have someone to tell my feelings back too, but I couldn’t do that to Henry. Too awkward.

The man ordered his coffee, and Henry gave him his change. I don’t notice that I do this a lot now, but apparently I give lot’s of people dirty looks. It wasn’t my fault, I think it’s just the emotions I have. They speak through my eyes, like I’m shooting darts in your facial features that I can’t control. I have no say over it, it just goes. And I’ll have to be content with that for now. So will everyone else.

The man reached over the counter and grabbed his hot cup of coffee from Henry. I watched as the man stumbled across the floor and sat down by himself near the window. People like this old man made me think. What’s happened in his life before? Has he had kids and been married? Or was he alone all of his life? Things like that scare me. Being along and having no one there with you is a fear of mine, a big fear of mine.

Hopping off the chair I was sitting in, I could hear Henry mumbling things to himself. I don’t know what they were. I just stood still for a moment. “I don’t know, I can’t. It bugs her too much.” Is what I thought I heard him say to himself.

Shaking my head, I opened the fridge. Inside of the fridge was multiple kinds of cold drinks. I still don’t know why people don’t come in here. I mean, we have other things then coffee? I think it’s because of the world these days. They’re always in a hurry, and all they can handle is picking up a way too expensive coffee from Starbuck’s before heading off to work. It’s how this century is. I mean, there’s a couple groups of indie kids that’ll have their plaid shirts and camera’s that would come in and sit for hours and talk, but that was the best business that we got.

The water was cold. I grabbed onto the bottle with my hand tightly. Turning around, I heard that Henry had stopped talking to himself. I hopped back up on the chair and put my feet on the counter. Henry didn’t say anything. He’d usually tell me that we weren’t allowed to do that, but I didn’t care. Our Manager or Boss were never here. Ever. It was like Henry and I owned the place and we could do whatever we wanted. I just wish he wasn’t annoying to me. He probably wasn’t to other’s, but he was to me. It’s sort of like how Brian annoys Jess. Henry plays Brian’s part and I play Jess’s.

In my pant pocket, I felt something ring. I pulled out my phone and looked down. It was a text message from Carson. He told me that he’d be a little late for lunch because he was helping Piper with some thing’s first. I don’t know why, but Henry really disliked Carson. Whenever he’d come in here to talk to me, Henry would shut right the fuck up and glare at us. Carson never mentioned anything about it though which was odd. I thought Carson would say something right in front of Henry’s face.

I kept tapping on the counter. I moved my hand across the wood, closing my eyes slightly. In my other hand was the freezing cold water bottle. This coldness made me miss the Arizona heat. I missed watching the yellow and pink sun go down over the mountains. Being there, laying with John. Watching the heat drift away from the day, leaving only for a couple hours until it’d come back for us to see again. I missed that.

Henry has asked me things before that made me think about John. Reminded me about him. He asked me if I had any past relationships or if I loved anyone before. I just shook my head with a no, but the look on his face knew that I have. So, the Henry thing to do would be to keep asking. And he did. He asked about how we met and what his name was and what I liked most about him. I never answered him, but I would have said “Through my cousin. John. Everything.”

Breathe. I told myself to breathe. Every time I’d think about him, I thought about the last time I saw him. Those chocolate eyes that could make me melt. Even though he was dying of sadness, I could make him smirk before I had to depart from him. His soft touch, and the way he smelled. When he held onto me before I went into the car. The way he looked at me before I drove away in the Arizona sun light back to hell. It was all so beautiful, but so scary and sad at the same time. I think about it every day.

“You’re thinking about him right?” Henry peered around the corner. I had no idea where he came from or where he was. I thought he might have gone to the back to get something.

“There’s no, him.” I scoffed.

Henry asked the same question everyday, and I’d answer with the same answer. Sometimes it was in the morning, sometimes randomly in the afternoon. Most of the time it was right before we were about to lock up. I usually left early for the past couple of days. I’d make up something like I was sick, but Henry could tell that I wasn’t. I didn’t care though. I might sound like a depressed idiot, but I hate this job. I hate life. I don’t know what I’m good at, or what I can do as a job. And it makes me mad to know that about myself. It doesn’t make you feel good at all.

Henry knew that I wasn’t going to give more then that answer. I looked at the ground at first and then looked up. I shook my head, I really didn’t care about what he had to question me about or what he wanted to ask me. I hopped off the chair one more time with my bottle of water in my hand still. I looked back and just shook my head. I wouldn’t be long so he didn’t have to worry. I grabbed my bag and wrapped it around my shoulder. I pushed the back door and walked through the back and through the exit.

Outside wasn’t cold as it was this morning anymore. It was a nice breeze with the sun hung high in the sky, but it didn’t come close to compare to the Arizona sun. Before I used to cuss at the sun in the summer’s of Detroit and it wasn’t even that bad. I would be excited for the Winter and Autumn because I loved the cold weather. I guess, only being for in AZ for about a week and a half, the weather attaches to you easily, because I love the hot weather now. I cannot stand the cold weather and I don’t know why.

The time’s that I actually talk to Carson, I brought this up. He says that the heat could bring up John memories. I don’t know why, but whenever we talk now, he brings up John. I asked him if he was just doing it to make me mad, but he said he was doing it to make me feel happier. I don’t know how that could though. He said talking about him more would make me try harder for my happiness, but I don’t know what to do. He could be anywhere in the states right now. He could have someone else. I don’t know. Brian doesn’t keep me updated that well.

The stones under my shoes made sounds. I pulled out this ratty chair that I used all the time from under the sheltered part of the back of the building. I sat down in the chair and sat my bag in between my legs on of the ground. I reached down in my bag and grabbed out a pack of cigarette’s and a lighter. Carson told me I should quit but I really couldn’t. I know it made my breath smell like shit and it wasn’t good for me, but I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t proud. I started right around when John stopped contacting me.

Setting the cancer stick in between my light pink lips, I flicked on my lighter. When the chemicals light, I sucked them in quickly. I shoved my lighter in my pocket and pulled my cigarette out of my mouth with my two fingers. I tapped my other hand on my leg and looked around the back of the building. It was dead. Then, the sound of the door was creaking. I looked over to see Carson’s head peek out of the door.

“Hello,” He smiled with some food in his head. It smelled good. “I didn’t help Piper. I needed to pick up something for us to eat. I thought you needed something.”

All I could do was smirk a little bit. Carson walked out of the door and looked down at my hand that was rising with smoke. He looked at me and shook his head. I knew he disapproved. I told myself Carson didn’t talk to me much anymore because the way I was acting. I knew that was why too. It was my fault. I needed to accept that. I’m tearing myself up about one thing, but that one thing made me happy. People who loved me. I know I had Carson, but finding out I had more then him made me feel special. On top of the world for once. I liked that feeling.

“What did you get?” I asked him casually. He groaned while pulling out another seat and sitting down in it. Carson set the bag of food on his lap and looked over at me.

“I got some fried rice. That was all that was really around that I could pick up quick and it didn’t cost a lot of money.” Carson shrugged with a smile.

“Sounds good. . .” I nodded. “I need something that doesn’t smell like coffee.”

“That’s what I thought.” Carson nodded in reply.

I lost thought from what Carson was doing. I just knew that he was pulling things out of the bag. I could hear the crinkling of the bag. My leg moved back and forth. I took another drag of my cigarette and let it fall on the ground. I don’t know what Henry was doing inside. It didn’t matter, because it was not like we had a lot of business. Carson shrugged my shoulder with a box of rice in his hands and a plastic fork. I nodded with a smirk and took the food from his hand.

The hot box of food hit my thighs which made me cringed. I opened the box to see steam travelling out of it. I dug my fork in it, knowing that it would be too hot to eat, just how I like it. I took a big bite of the rice and put the fork back in the box. I looked over to see Carson eating his as well. I could tell that he was hungry. I wasn’t that hungry though. I don’t know why, but I don’t like eating much. I’m not starving myself, but when I eat little amounts of things, I get full really quick. Therefore, I don’t eat that much food through out the day.

After a couple of bites of rice, I didn’t want anymore. I just sat there silently. I don’t know why, but there wasn’t much conversation with Carson anymore. He’d talk to me all the time but now he won’t tell me anything. About his new friends or what happens between him and Piper. What goes on in his job. He wouldn’t send me stupid random texts that would make my day in the dumbest ways. I missed that too. I missed a lot of things. I didn’t like missing stuff.

“Not hungry?” Carson questioned. “Like always.”

I sighed. I didn’t like his sarcasm. He was getting tired of my ways, I could hear it in his voice. I got up from the chair and chucked the box of rice on it. I picked up my bag from the ground and sighed. I groaned at Carson before walking away. I grabbed onto the handle of the door and opened it quickly. I don’t know what’s up with him anymore. I don’t know what’s up with me. We’re drifting apart. Everyone’s drifting apart.

The back of the building was quiet now. I could hear more then Henry talking to himself now though. I don’t think it was that girl on her laptop or the guy that was sipping on his coffee as he sat near the window. It was the voices of boys, more then one. I raised my eyebrow, wondering who it was. I set my bag down on one of the tables in the back of the room and looked around. I don’t know why we even had a back of the café. We never used it minus for chucking junk around.

Walking through the arch of the café, I noticed the boys standing there more. They didn’t order anything yet. They sat there, deciding what they want. I don’t know who they are. I’ve never seen their faces before. The first boy I noticed as wearing a long sleeved plaid, black and white shirt. On his back was a green backpack. I raised my eyebrow and looked at him oddly. There I go with the dirty looks again.

The guy who stood next to him had a scruff of a beard. There was curly locks sticking out of the black hat that he wore on the back of his head. He smiled brightly at something that the other guy said. I don’t know, but these boys were both really attractive. I walked over to the cash and suddenly the boys stopped talking. They both looked at me and then the first one I noticed whispered in the other guys’ ear. I bit my lip and looked around the room and focussed back on the boys who were still whispering.

“It’s not nice to stare, y’know.” I sighed shaking my head; I wasn’t in the best mood.

The boy in the plaid long sleeve walked closer to the counter. The other guy following behind him. He looked at me closely. “We’ve seen you somewhere before. I know I’ve seen you somewhere before. I don’t know where, but I’ve seen your face.”

“And you are?” I asked in curiosity.

“Well, I’m Brandon.” He smiled. “Brandon Wronski.”

“Yeah. . .” The other guy said awkwardly. “I’m Alex Deleon.”

“And I should know you guys why?” I asked, still raising my eyebrow in confusion.

“I know where I know her from!” Alex said loudly. “I know who showed me her like a week or so ago. He kept talking about her and stuff. I wasn’t paying attention, but I remember your face now. Your name is Jordan, right?”

I nodded awkwardly. “How do you know me? Who showed you me?”

“John.” Alex smiled brightly like nothing was wrong.

I gulped as silent as a I could and replied, “John who?”

“John Gomez.”