Can You Find Me?

The feeling in my back travelled through my arms. The creepy feeling that was cold and scary, but worried rolled through my body until it could reach my mind. It took me a couple moments to understand what they had just said. Looking at them, they look like people that John would hang out with. Now, I feel stupid for asking them “John who?” But then it hit me, John’s in the city. These guys are probably in bands. John’s probably on tour right now and playing here tonight. I froze.

“Are you alright?” Brandon asked me.

“That’s the guy!” Henry pipped. “That’s the guy you’d never tell me about. John Gomez or whatever. That’s him right?”

“Weren’t you guys like exclusive or something?” Alex asked.

My head shook back and forth without me even doing anything. I looked around the room like a tragedy happened, but it really didn’t. The three boys in front of me stared, waiting for me to say something or do something. I gulped, wondering where Carson was. I think it’s sort of better he’s not out here right because he’d flip. If he found out, he’d drag me to the show tonight to go and see his friends. I just thought it’d be better to stay away from them. It’d cause to much pain to see them go away again.

Alex and Brandon were talking about something. For some reason I couldn’t hear them. It’s like my mind didn’t want to hear what they had to say anymore. They didn’t mean to but it’d upset me. The thought of John being in the city, it made me feel good as much as I didn’t want it to. His face features and that smirk. His figure was somewhere in the city, but I guess he’s just too busy to come and see me.

I turned around, looking through the back door. I began walking, still blocking out the voices coming from Brandon and Alex. I walked through the darkness, coming to the door I was at not too long ago. I looked through the screen to see Carson sitting there, eating away. I know he wasn’t the happiest with me right now, but he’s the only person who’d understand. I took a deep breathe and opened the door.

Carson set down the box on his lap and looked up at me with a disappointed look. As much as I didn’t want to tell him that the guys and Jess were in town, I was going to anyways. Maybe, it’d be a good thing to show up? I don’t know. I wasn’t quite sure, but Carson had a right to know. He had a right to go and visit with his friends. “What is it?” Carson questioned. “Coming to be rude to me a little more?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I need to tell you something.”

“What?” He asked.

“There’s these two boys in the café right now. Alex and Brandon. They said that they knew me and shit.” I took a seat next to him. “Then they told me how they knew me. They said John showed them a photo of me. That’s how they knew my face.”

“What does that mean?” Carson rose his eyebrow.

“They’re in town Cars,” I sighed. “All of them.”

I watched as Carson stood up quickly, not even noticing that his box of rice was all over the floor. He didn’t look worried or angry at me anymore. The sadness on his face was gone. A bright smiled appeared. The only smile I see now when he’s with Piper. “Are you fucking kidding me!?” He exclaimed.

“No. . .” I shook my head looking at the ground. “I’m guessing they play a show?”

“Are you kidding me?” Carson jumped like a girl, the smile not moving from his face once. “You know what this means right? We need to go. Your argument is invalid.”

“I cant,” My voice shook.

“Jordan, don’t do this,” Carson shook his head in reply. “I know John will be there and stuff, but don’t you think it’s a good thing? You’ll get to talk to him. See what he’s been doing in the past year. You guys need to talk Jordan.”

“Why would he care if I was there or not?” I asked. “He didn’t care that I lived here and he was here. He’d be looking for me right now but I bet he’s just sitting around the venue doing nothing. Carson, you don’t understand. He hasn’t talk to me hardly in a whole fucking year! What does that tell you?”

“Who cares?” Carson breathed. I could tell that he was too excited to see Josh then to care about how his ‘best friend’ was feeling. “Jordan, it’s because he was scared probably. That’s how guys are. We break up with girls because we know that they are going to break up with us. It happens right before a bad situation we know that’s going to happen, happens.”

“We didn’t break up though!” I practically screamed. “I didn’t say we should end it, and he didn’t say it either. We just stopped talking to each other. That’s how it went. Nothing else. No ending. No nothing. I don’t even know what to say. That’s why I don’t want to go to the show tonight, and you can’t make me.”

“I can make you!” Carson said, grabbing onto my shoulders. “Don’t you understand? Jordan you need to be with John. That’s how it goes. I’ve been your best friend for quite awhile and the time I’ve seen you the happiest was with John. Don’t you want to feel the feeling of being happy again? Since you wouldn’t let yourself this whole year. And I know why, it’s because you’re not with John.”

Carson was right. I didn’t want to believe that though. I always wanted to believe things that were in my mind, even though I knew the other people were right. I sighed, looking at the ground. Carson knew he was right. He had that look on his face. I didn’t want to believe that though. I thought there was other ways to be happy, but there wasn’t. There was not one day this year that I was happy. I feel empty.

“You know I’m right,” Carson pointed out. “I know you know that I’m right. So after work, you’re going to come home right away and we’re going to get you ready, because we’re going to the show tonight wether you like it or not.”

“I don’t even know where the show is,” I replied.

“Well, go ask those guys.” Carson replied. “They probably know obviously, since they’re playing with them.”

Carson picked up the box from the ground and shoved it in the Chinese take out bag. He turned around and began to walk towards the door. He was going to go in there and asked where they were playing tonight, and I wasn’t ready for it. I hoped the day would go by slow and hope I came down with a condition so I didn’t have to go. I just stood there, thinking of the possible things that could happen tonight. It might not actually be that bad. I want to see everyone, minus John.

Turning around, I studied the back of the building. I don’t know why, I just did. Wasting time then having to go inside. Carson looked back at me one more time before he put his hand on the handle. It looked like he was going to say something, but then he didn’t. His mouth opened slightly, but then shut. Before Carson could open the door though, the door opened up and people I didn’t think would, ran through the door.

Her hair was drifting in the air as she grabbed tightly onto Carson, pulling him close to her chest. He hugged her right back. The person that exited out of the back of the building next made me smile bigger then ever. Jess held onto Carson for dear life, and I could understand why. They’ve always had a thing, but we weren’t with them long enough to see it blossom into something great.

Stephen looked different. I don’t know how he did, but he did. Maybe he was taller? A lot more tan then he was. Lanky and tall as always. A white v-neck and black skinny jeans. It was the casual Stephen looked. Stephen smiled and walked quickly up to me. I had no other choice then to hold onto him tightly. And it felt great. I had a smile on my face and it was the best feeling I’ve had in awhile.

It’s not that we wanted to pull away, but we did. Jess looked at me, tears almost coming out her big brown eyes. She smiled with a giggle and grabbed onto me. It felt nice to have Jess in my presence again. One of my best friends that’s a girl. My only one. I needed to have here, and I knew that. There was things that I knew I couldn’t talk to Carson about, and it’s not even because he’s a guy. It’s because things were awkward with us now, and I knew they’d never be with Jess.

“I hear you guys want to come to the show?” I heard Stephen ask, while I still was holding onto Jess. I could hear the sounds of her sobbing, but it was in a good way.

“I do,” Carson replied. “Jordan is being dumb though.”

“She has every right to!” Jess pulled away from me and exclaimed.

“Yeah,” Stephen nodded. “We tried to tell John to call her or something, but he wouldn’t. I don’t think he hates her or anything, but he wouldn’t tell me. I don’t know why. He wouldn’t tell anyone. It’s odd.”

“See!” I groaned at Carson. “That’s why I love them. They always agree with me.”

“Well,” Carson sighed. “I thought it’d be a good idea for her to go and talk to him, y’know? They haven’t talked in the longest time.”

“Oh. . .” Stephen looked at me with a smile. “You’re still coming wether you like it or not. You don’t need to talk to John even though you probably will. You’re coming. It’s not here though, it’s in Grand Rapids. Then we have another show in Pontiac tomorrow. You’re coming to both of them Jordan.”

“Exactly,” Jess nodded.

“I don’t want to though.” I shook my head. “I really don’t.”

“You mean we have been looking around for you in the city all day long for nothing?” Stephen asked.

“All day?” I asked. “What about those two other guys?”

“Well,” Stephen replied. “We told them they could look around until we heard of anything. Brian said that you lived near here, we did our best to look. You know how big ‘around here’ is. Then Brandon sent a text to Jess saying he saw you. We ran here as fast as we could.” He laughed. “That’s how much we love you guys.”

“I need to go,” Carson said, cutting into the conversation. “I’m going to have to go back to work to talk to Piper before she has to go on her lunch. So, I’ll see you at home Jordan? Piper will probably be home before me.”

“What time are we leaving?” I asked Carson as he set his hand on the door handle.

“Around three,” He nodded. “Get Henry to cover.”

“You guys need to go back, right?” I asked, looking at Jess and Stephen.

They both nodded. “We need to go and do our sound check still. We came here early so we’d get back in time. We need to go, like right now.”

“How did you guys get here?” I asked, noticing that Carson has left.

“We took the fucking van!” Stephen groaned. “We took the fucking van. No one else wanted to drive it in the city, so I had to. It’s the mule too, and I hate driving that thing. I don’t know why, I just do. I hate Detroit. It’s the only way we had to come into the city though to come and find you.”

“The mule?” I asked, my right eyebrow raising higher then my left.

“You know the guy Alex in there?” Jess asked me. “Well, his band’s van.”

“It’s a pure piece of shit.” Stephen informed me. “I hate the way it drives.”

“Why didn’t you take someone else’s van?” I asked them.

“Our’s . . . John and Josh were going to do something. The guys in My Favorite Highway weren’t there yet. And Brandon said he didn’t want to take his van since everyone else in Eye Alaska was sleeping. Luis and the boys from The Secret Handshake aren’t there yet, they’re running late.” Jess mentioned.

“I’m guessing those are the bands that you guys are on tour with?” I asked.

Stephen nodded. “Yep, they are. A Rocket To The Moon stars with us in a couple of days. It should be pretty rad. It’s going to be a fun tour.”

“I wish I was on tour. . .” I sighed. I said it lightly so it wouldn’t become into a big conversation. It was true though. Even though I wouldn’t be making a living, and I’d be broke most of the time, that would be better for me. I’d have people that make me happy and I’d be travelling around all the time. It sounds like the life to me.

“We wish you were too,” Jess nodded. “Taylor’s not with us anymore.”

“What happened?” I questioned. “Please tell me he fell off a cliff.”

Jess shook her head. “No, he’s ‘in jail’.”

“What!?” I exclaimed. Taylor in jail? I thought it would be Josh.

“He’s not really in jail,” Stephen laughed. “We just told fans with that. He just wanted to take a little break from managing, so we let him off this tour. Our friend Dylan is doing our merch and stuff. I think you’d like him.”

“I need to go back to work,” I said. “And you guys need to go sound check.”

Jess and Stephen nodded. “We’ll see you tonight. You better be there.”

Then, Jess and Stephen walked closer to me. Stephen wrapped his arm around my right shoulder, and Jess around my left. It was a comfortable, and non-awkward three person hug. I smiled - it was a weird feeling. The feeling of my teeth showing and my back having chills, that made me feel on top of the world. I was happy. The feeling was back, that one that I loved dearly. It was back. And to stay, hopefully.