Can You Find Me?

I sat on the couch, looking at the black rimmed clock that hung above the television that was a million years old. I told Carson that we shouldn’t have taken it to the apartment. When we were packing up, we were snooping around his basement. There in the corner was the t.v. that he insisted on taking. I thought that we were going to bring it here for no reason, because I was quite positive that it wasn’t going to work. Eventually Carson got around to it and proved me wrong. It’s not the best ever but it works and it’s right for us. We don’t need a big flat screen t.v. We’re never home any way.

The door was about to open. I told Henry that I didn’t feel good. He replied with a, “No you just want to go home and look pretty for that guy you haven’t seen in a year but fucked his brains out all last summer.” I really despised that child. I don’t know how I’ve been able to work there for this long, but I need the money. I didn’t respond to him though. I just grabbed my stuff and walked out of the door. It’s not like he’d need me there any way.

Our white door swung open and there came Carson. I don’t know where Piper was. I’m pretty sure that she was still working. I’m surprised that she was actually letting Carson go somewhere alone with me. I don’t know what’s up with her, but she doesn’t like it when Carson and I are together alone. I think she thinks that me and him would hook up or something. That would never happen though. I wouldn’t do anything with Carson, ever. You’d have to pay me a lot of money for that to happen.

Carson gave me an awkward grin before shutting the door behind him. He took off his sweater and chucked it on the computer desk near the door. He sighed, taking his shoes off. Then he looked around the room, his eyes passing me here and there. I knew he wanted to talk about John or the guys and Jess in general but he knew that I was pissed off enough that I’d have to be in the same room with one of the guys that broke my heart the most, but Carson knew I could never stop loving John.

I keep telling myself that I need to get over him, but it’s hard. I know that I love John, and Carson knows it too. He just doesn’t like to mention it because I’d be more of a bitch then I already am. I don’t mean to be, but it’s how I’m programmed now. I don’t want to say it like that, because it sounds weird, but it’s true. I don’t know how to feel or who to love. No matter where I go in my life, I’ll always remember John Gomez was my first love. And that’ll never change for me.

Carson slowly walked across the room and eyed the lazy boy. He didn’t sit down quite yet. He just looked at the chair, back at me, and than sat down. I just looked around awkwardly. I knew what he wanted to talk about but I didn’t say anything. I truly didn’t care if he mentioned anything. I just wanted to see if he had the guts to.

“So. . .” He said awkwardly, tapping his thumbs on his thigh.

“You can talk about it.” I replied to him instantly. “I don’t care. What do you want? Do you want to know what I’m going to say to him? Or if I’m going to talk to him at all?”

“I don’t care about that,” Carson shrugged. “I was going to ask what you were wearing.”

“I don’t know what I’m wearing,” I look to my left at the ground in front of the coffee table. I didn’t have much to wear. I pretty much lived in my pj’s and my work clothes. “I don’t have much to wear. I haven’t shopped for anything in the longest time.”

“Why don’t you borrow something of Pipers?” Carson asked with a shrug.

“She’d kill me.” I replied. “I’m surprised she let you here alone with me and she’s not worried about me sticking my tongue down your throat. Which I’d never do.”

“Well. . .” Carson began to say.

“Wait!” I stopped him. “She knows about John right? She’s probably a happy little bitch right now because she thinks that I’m going to get back with John, right? She probably thinks I’m going to move out and never talk to you again.”

“Sort of. . .” Carson hesitated. “It wasn’t that mean though.”

“Well, it’s still the same Carson.” I sighed. I didn’t want to look at him right now. “I don’t even know why you’re coming tonight. You’re going to have to listen to me whine the whole way home because of the girls around John tonight. I should probably just stay back here. It’d be the best idea. I should let you go have fun.”

“No you can’t!” Carson argued. I was a little off guard with his reaction. I just thought he’d tell me to stop being so negative. It’s like that was his answer or reply to everything I said these days. I didn’t reply to it though. He was going to have to get used to my negativity. It’s going to be around for awhile. A sad and angry person is not going to make positive comments. He needs to realize that.

“Why not?” I asked slowly.

“Because he misses you Jordan.” Carson sighed. “He may not show it, but he does. You know what I did on the way home? I talked to John. I got a worried call from him when Jess and Stephen returned to the venue. He was freaking out. He didn’t want to become mad at him. He’s doing the best he can so he doesn’t get hit in the face the first two seconds he lays eyes on you. He misses you Jordan. He really does.”

“No he doesn’t.” I disagreed. “I know he doesn’t Carson. He hasn’t called me once. He hasn’t tried worth shit to make this work. And maybe if he helped out a little bit then I would have made it work too. Even if he was around the states, and I was here, it wouldn’t matter because I know he’s mine. I don’t even know if he broke up with me. He just stopped talking to me. Would you like it if Piper did that to you?”

“It’s not like that,” Carson shook his head. “It’s really not. You’ll have to hear it from him tonight because I really don’t feel like repeating it.”

“He’s going to be too busy with girls.” I replied. “He won’t have time to talk to me.”
“Well, that’s why we’re leaving early.” Carson nodded. “I’m going to go and take a shower. You need to go and get ready. John demanded we’d be there early so he can talk to you about some things wether you like it or not.”

I watched as Carson got up from the gray chair and pulled up his skinny jeans that were falling off his ass. He groaned with a sigh. It’s from a long day of work and drama. He knew that there was a night full of drama ahead and it’s all my fault. He was just happy that I got to see John again. I mean there could be hope for us, but I don’t like to believe it. Carson on the other hand thinks that John and I are going to get married and have little half Mexican babies. I don’t know about that though.

Stretching my legs out on the couch, I looked back up at the clock. It was almost 3:30. I knew that Carson only took like ten minutes when he was done his shower to get ready. That meant I didn’t have that much time to get ready. I hopped up off the couch reminding myself that I’d need to get something out of Piper’s closet. I shook my head, remembering all the clothes I shoved at the back of my closet. Just because I’ve been a wreck this past year, doesn’t mean I’d go and chuck all my clothes away.

The weight I was last summer was the same weight I was last summer. If anything, I lost more weight because I didn’t eat that much anymore. I’d eat a little at work and then come home and have something before bed. That’s all I’d have though. I don’t know why I didn’t eat much during the day, but that could explain why I always feel sick. But when I try to eat, I feel even more sick. It’s dumb and complicated.

Walking down the hallway, I heard the sound of the shower. The bathroom was right near my room. I turned at the end of the hallway to see my room. I walked into a bright room with the light coming through my window. I reached for my back pocket and grabbed my package of cigarettes. I put one in my mouth and grabbed my lighter off of my dresser. I light my smoke and walked over to the window and opened. I walked back over to my door and shut it just incase Carson would flip on me.

My closet was full of pointless shit. It was falling out of the door. I don’t even remember the last time I cleaned my room. I’m never in here, unless when I sleep all day long. That was hardly ever because I’m always working or out in the living room watching movies. I can hardly sleep at all really. My sleeping schedule is messed up. When it’s around five in the morning and I can’t sleep, I’d usually go out to the living room.

I’d turn on the computer really slow so Carson and Piper wouldn’t wake up. I’d take my headphones and plug them in and listen to the sounds of Brian and Johns demos they did for no reason last Christmas break. No one has really heard them before. I remember Brian sending them to me one day to make me feel better. It was right when John stopped talking to me a lot and Brian thought that his voice would make me feel better. Little did he know that I still listened to it almost every night, trying to hold back the tears.

“Now I need to find my clothes.” I groaned, eyeing down my closet.

I tried to pull my closet door open the best that I could. I pulled open the door and most papers and things I haven’t seen in awhile came out. Then behind all of this junk were two big bags of clothes that I had packed away for no reason. I pulled out one of the bags and sat it on my bed. I turned around to see my dreadful looking self in the mirror. I grabbed my straightener and turned it on so it would heat up. Looking back at the bag on my bed, I was sort of scared. I didn’t want to see what I was going to find in there.

The black bag just sat there. I began to rip it open, not even making out what was on the top. It was multiple kinds of material all together. I didn’t know where to start. I grabbed some things and just put them on the bed. I didn’t see anything that caught my eyes yet. I shoved my hands in there and grabbed something rather heavy and big. I pulled it out and didn’t really know what to feel. It was the sweater of John’s that I wore most of my time with him when I was in Arizona. When I was cold I’d always rely on this sweater.

Pulling the sweater close to me, I could still feel the presence of John. That was weird, but it was like he was right behind me. I pulled the material closer to my face, coming to the smell that I missed. I hugged onto the sweater and shut my eyes tightly. There in my mind I pictured that smirk that I missed. I knew that I’d see it tonight and even though I wanted to frown, I knew that I’d smile right back at him. It was just a thing that was supposed to happen. John and I are always supposed to be happy when we’re around each other. We may try not to acknowledge it, but we both know that it’s true.

Then I realized that I had to get ready. I put the sweater on the bed and looked at the clothes that I had pulled out. I took some jeans and held them in my hand for a second and put them back on the bed for a second. I took off my dress pants and put the jeans on. Beside the bag was a green tank top. I grabbed the tank top and put it on after taking off my work shirt. There was something missing from my outfit. I looked around and turned around. I pulled open my drawers and noticed a gray cardigan I hardly wore anymore. I still liked it though. I grabbed it and put it on with my outfit. It was nothing special and I was quite aware of that. I didn’t mind though. It’s a concert, not a ball.

I sat down on the little stool in front of my desk and my mirror. I grabbed a box near the edge of my desk that hasn’t been touched in a long while. It was my make up box. I used to wear at least a little make up every day but now it didn’t touch my face. I opened the box and looked down at it for a moment. Then I heard the shower turn off. I didn’t loose attention from getting ready though. I reached down into the box and grabbed some cover up first. I never used this that much. I just dabbed my finger it in a little and covered some of my freckles, but not a lot.

Next I put on some eyeliner and lots of mascara. I liked the way that my eyelashes looked with a lot of it on. I didn’t look a lot different with make up on, but it made me look less plain. I was debating if I should but some green eye shadow on, but I decided not to. I reached to the back of my head and let my hair fall out of the pony tail. I picked up my straightener off of the desk and began to run it through my hair. I didn’t straighten my hair that much anymore either. I was used to just taking a shower, throwing it up and letting it dry by itself. It wasn’t the best idea in the world because I looked like shit.

I put my straightener back down and looked at my brush. Quickly I ran my brush through my hair and grabbed my straightener again so I could get my hair down quickly. Moments later after I began to straightener my hair, I heard someone at my door. Carson opened the door without knocking and looked around. A disgusted look came upon his face. “Holy shit Jordan.” He exclaimed. “This room smells so fucking bad.”

“I don’t clean it much.” I shrugged.

“Where did you get the clothes?” Carson asked looking at me.

“Yeah, I remembered I had clothes in my closet still.” I replied to him. “They still fit me so might as well wear them then get Piper after my ass for wearing her clothes.”

“Yeah, she’d probably kill you.” Carson nodded. “I’d defend you though because you needed to wear something that’s not your PJ’s or your work clothes. It’s not right man. You have all these clothes and you never wear any of them.”

“Shut up Carson.” I shook my head. “It’s not like I go out or anything like that. There’s no need for those clothes to be taking up more of my space. That’s why they were in the closet. Not because I don’t want to dress in them. I would if I had a place to wear them.”

“Well, I’m going to be out in the car. . .” Carson sighed. I knew he was fed up with me whining all the time. I couldn’t help myself though. It was natural to me now for some odd reason. I wish it would go away though. I think anyone would.

Carson shut the door behind himself and I just looked at myself in the mirror one more time before shutting off my straightener. I felt bad. I felt like I was letting Carson down in being the person I used to be, and that’s when it hit me. I was scared. I didn’t want the person that I’ve become to come out in front of John. He didn’t deserve to see that, if he actually really wants to see me again. I need to let all go. I need to put my mind back in the position I was in Arizona even though that’ll be the hardest thing that I’ve done in awhile. It’s worth it though. It’s worth it for John.