Status: Completed
'Cause Ryan, You're A Star
In Everyone's Eyes Plus Mine
On the stage I remember you were incredible.
Why? Why’d he have to go? Brendon asked the question time and time again, but still, the answer never came. Was it Keltie? Was she better than him? Brendon used to wonder that in the beginning, when Ryan first dumped him. At that time it was easy to deal, easier to pick apart all of Keltie’s flaws. Now though, with Z… Well, she was nice. Beyond nice, in fact. Z was perfect for Ryan, the same deep, tortured, poetic minds but at the same time, fun and sweet and a girl. A very pretty girl. One who didn’t act like a slut or jump out of birthday cakes. Technically, Brendon should be happy for Ryan. They were best friends and that’s what best friends were supposed to do. But still…for Brendon it seemed almost impossible. After all, this time it was Brendon’s fault that Ryan wasn’t sleeping next to him anymore.
In a car with a girl, promise me she’s not your world.
When the nightmares first came they were impossible to evade. Every night the same scene would play out in Brendon’s mind. Ryan would be leaving him, over and over and over again. Worried, Spencer moved in after two weeks, Shane moving out. Brendon started refusing to sleep so Spencer took him to the doctor. They left with a prescription of sleeping pills and a much relieved Spencer. The nightmares began to subside but Ryan never seemed to disappear completely from Brendon’s mind. Brendon’s guilty conscience was suddenly becoming very annoying. Even starting the new album there was an undercurrent thought of Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. And the worst part? It didn’t seem like it would be leaving anytime soon.
Hey shut u-up, Hey shut u-up….
Once, singing a Killers cover at one of Panic!’s concerts Brendon had looked down at the crowd and seen Ryan’s eyes staring back at him. When he looked back though, the face was gone. However, just knowing that Ryan might have been there gave Brendon spasms of guilt. Ryan had started the band with Spencer. Ryan had gotten them signed. Ryan had been the one to get Brendon out of Vegas. What right did Brendon have to stand on stage, living Ryan’s lifelong dream? A quick glance at Ian only intensified the feeling. Remembering all that at once almost had Brendon singing the wrong words..
‘Cause, Ryan you’re a star.’
Sitting backstage, in the very fancy dressing room, Brendon reminisced. Spencer was there as well but neither of them was talking, abnormally quiet compared to previous tours. Ryan, would usually have been by the mirror, fussing over his appearance, Jon on the couch, munching on meat flavored chips and soda. Spencerwould should have been drumming away at the table. But today, Spencer sat in his chair, opposite, to Brendon both unnaturally quiet. What had happened to them? To the band? Brendon suddenly felt tired, drained. Reaching for his phone, he realized there was no more just pressing eight and knowing Ryan’s voice would pick up at the other end. There was no more Ryan to make him feel better with just a few whispered words. Ryan was gone.
Leave your number backstage and I’ll give you a call.
They were supposed to have done this together. Brent had left but, him and Ryan and Spencer and later Jon…. They were supposed to do this together. Jamming in Ryan’s garage, it was their goal to be able to play for more people, to make the difference somewhere. Brendon felt bitter now looking at where that got them. Ryan and Jon, both gone because of one stupid mistake. The hate mail had been pouring in. What a great difference they had made.
Leave your legacy in gold, on the records that line the hall.
Every night they played to thousands of fans. Thousands of people who would just as quickly have screamed for Ryan. But Ryan was Brendon’s. At night, back in their house in Reno, Ryan had been his. During the day, when Spencer and Jon would come over, Ryan had been his. At least that’s what Brendon had thought. Until Ryan up and left. Left because of Brendon’s stupid mistake. That’s when Brendon realized that Ryan was never just his. However, Brendon was always Ryan’s. What a fool he’d been to think that God would have let just one person have something as wonderful as Ryan. What a stupid, stupid thought to have ever even considered. Ryan was too good for him; he didn't deserve the pain Brendon had put him through.
’Cause Ryan, you’re a star…
…in everyone’s eyes plus mine.
Why? Why’d he have to go? Brendon asked the question time and time again, but still, the answer never came. Was it Keltie? Was she better than him? Brendon used to wonder that in the beginning, when Ryan first dumped him. At that time it was easy to deal, easier to pick apart all of Keltie’s flaws. Now though, with Z… Well, she was nice. Beyond nice, in fact. Z was perfect for Ryan, the same deep, tortured, poetic minds but at the same time, fun and sweet and a girl. A very pretty girl. One who didn’t act like a slut or jump out of birthday cakes. Technically, Brendon should be happy for Ryan. They were best friends and that’s what best friends were supposed to do. But still…for Brendon it seemed almost impossible. After all, this time it was Brendon’s fault that Ryan wasn’t sleeping next to him anymore.
In a car with a girl, promise me she’s not your world.
When the nightmares first came they were impossible to evade. Every night the same scene would play out in Brendon’s mind. Ryan would be leaving him, over and over and over again. Worried, Spencer moved in after two weeks, Shane moving out. Brendon started refusing to sleep so Spencer took him to the doctor. They left with a prescription of sleeping pills and a much relieved Spencer. The nightmares began to subside but Ryan never seemed to disappear completely from Brendon’s mind. Brendon’s guilty conscience was suddenly becoming very annoying. Even starting the new album there was an undercurrent thought of Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. And the worst part? It didn’t seem like it would be leaving anytime soon.
Hey shut u-up, Hey shut u-up….
Once, singing a Killers cover at one of Panic!’s concerts Brendon had looked down at the crowd and seen Ryan’s eyes staring back at him. When he looked back though, the face was gone. However, just knowing that Ryan might have been there gave Brendon spasms of guilt. Ryan had started the band with Spencer. Ryan had gotten them signed. Ryan had been the one to get Brendon out of Vegas. What right did Brendon have to stand on stage, living Ryan’s lifelong dream? A quick glance at Ian only intensified the feeling. Remembering all that at once almost had Brendon singing the wrong words..
‘Cause, Ryan you’re a star.’
Sitting backstage, in the very fancy dressing room, Brendon reminisced. Spencer was there as well but neither of them was talking, abnormally quiet compared to previous tours. Ryan, would usually have been by the mirror, fussing over his appearance, Jon on the couch, munching on meat flavored chips and soda. Spencerwould should have been drumming away at the table. But today, Spencer sat in his chair, opposite, to Brendon both unnaturally quiet. What had happened to them? To the band? Brendon suddenly felt tired, drained. Reaching for his phone, he realized there was no more just pressing eight and knowing Ryan’s voice would pick up at the other end. There was no more Ryan to make him feel better with just a few whispered words. Ryan was gone.
Leave your number backstage and I’ll give you a call.
They were supposed to have done this together. Brent had left but, him and Ryan and Spencer and later Jon…. They were supposed to do this together. Jamming in Ryan’s garage, it was their goal to be able to play for more people, to make the difference somewhere. Brendon felt bitter now looking at where that got them. Ryan and Jon, both gone because of one stupid mistake. The hate mail had been pouring in. What a great difference they had made.
Leave your legacy in gold, on the records that line the hall.
Every night they played to thousands of fans. Thousands of people who would just as quickly have screamed for Ryan. But Ryan was Brendon’s. At night, back in their house in Reno, Ryan had been his. During the day, when Spencer and Jon would come over, Ryan had been his. At least that’s what Brendon had thought. Until Ryan up and left. Left because of Brendon’s stupid mistake. That’s when Brendon realized that Ryan was never just his. However, Brendon was always Ryan’s. What a fool he’d been to think that God would have let just one person have something as wonderful as Ryan. What a stupid, stupid thought to have ever even considered. Ryan was too good for him; he didn't deserve the pain Brendon had put him through.
’Cause Ryan, you’re a star…
…in everyone’s eyes plus mine.
♠ ♠ ♠
I don't like it very much....comment please? It'll make me feel better...