I'm Not Beautiful

I stay in bed; I don’t want to see the two boys that have changed everything for me. Today is the last day they are here and my parents are already on their way home. They are supposed to pick up Louisa from her friends house before they head back here. I hardly slept thinking about what Marshall said to me. I didn’t know it was that bad, I hadn’t notice that my body was slowly falling apart. I didn’t see what he said he saw.

After what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes I stood up and walked to my bathroom. I looked at my reflection and saw what he was talking about with my cheekbones. I didn’t see anything else though. I didn’t see the legs that almost bowed. I didn’t see anything that he thought he saw. He was crazy or something and how could he possibly think that I’m beautiful. He needs to get his eyes checked because I was far from it. I wasn’t something that you should look at, I wasn’t something that you could just stare at and never get bored of it. I was dull and normal and yeah I guess my cheekbones jutted out but that’s all.

I sigh and walk to my dresser pulling on a pair of sweats that practically fell off of me and a huge shirt that fell off one of my shoulders. I pulled my hair back into a loose bun at the base of my head before looking in the mirror again. I saw my collar bone sticking out and my almost hallowed looking eyes. My hair was getting stringy and thin, the dark purple streaks were hardly there anymore. I close my eyes and choke back tears; I can hardly believe that I did this to myself. I wanted to look like this, I wanted my bones to jut at and the truth is I still want to look like this.

I walk down the stairs and try to be as quiet as possible. I don’t want them to hear me, I don’t want Marshall to see me and say something. He might point out how my clothes are hanging off of me. I look toward the couches expecting to see someone sitting there but it’s empty. The blankets folded and hanging over the back of the couch, the T.V is off, and I don’t hear any movement in the house. I look around confused for a second before walking into the kitchen thinking that they have to be up already and eating. I walk into the kitchen not sure what to do if I don’t find them there.

“Marshall! Trey!” I am starting to get a little scared but I don’t want it to show in my voice. I look around the empty kitchen and see a note taped to the fridge. I walk closer and rip it off the door.

Ally,
I don’t know what happened between you and Marshall but he demanded that we leave early. I know that you might get worried when you read this but just so you know we’re fine. We weren’t kidnapped and raped and killed or something. Anyways Marshall wants to write something. Love you text or call me when you read this.
-Trey.
Dear Ally,
It’s Marshall. I can’t stay in this house anymore. Not with you. I like you a lot more then anyone I have ever liked and to be honest it scares me a little bit. I can’t just sit by and watch you kill yourself. I will more then likely always love you but I can’t just watch you do this to yourself. I’m sorry Ally. If you ever decide that you want help don’t hesitate to call me. Otherwise you probably won’t see me around much.
The last week has been one of the most amazing in my life. I wish it had lasted longer. I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about you. You aren’t someone who notices a lot i.e that I like you. I learned that I can’t possibly deal with someone that has a problem like yours. It’s too much for me. You need some one so much stronger then I am.
Goodbye
Love always,
Marshall.

I have tears rolling down my face by the time I finish the note. I wonder where he is going. I don’t really want to know if he isn’t going to be around. I wonder if he means he is really leaving or if he is just going to be gone for a little bit. Or maybe he just means that he won’t be able to hang out with me anymore. I didn’t even want to think about it. I felt my heart beating fiercely in my chest. I slide down to the floor and pull my phone out with fumbling fingers dialing Trey’s number.

It rings loudly once.

Then again before he answers.

“Hola. Hello. Aloha. Hi. Hey it’s Trey.” His voice is hopelessly happy.

“Trey, its Ally. What the fuck?” My voice cracks as a sob rips through my chest.

“Ally, are you ok? What happened? I’m sorry we had to leave, Marshall told me we had to.” His voice is deadly serious now.

“No I’m not ok, did you read what M-Marshall wrote?” I am curled in a ball lying on the floor of my kitchen, my face pressed tightly against the tile, and my tears making my skin stick to the floor.

“Uh no he told me not to.” His voice is dazed.

“Come over now.” I hang up the phone not waiting for an answer. I stay on the floor not sure what to do or why this hit me so hard.