Apology Accepted

I sat on my bed, Sam’s words still ringing through my ears, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, she was completely right. Tom and I are brothers, and we shouldn’t be fighting over something so irrelevant. The only thing I just didn’t understand about Tom is why he couldn’t just be happy for me. He had no problem pushing me to get through the last three months of life, does he not understand that things will be so much better now? I’m the same Oliver, still lanky, still too skinny and tall with way too many tattoos. And he’s still my little brother, whose patronizing blue eyes are always looking through the lens of some camera.

The only different thing about me now is the fact that I have Sam. Which doesn’t necessarily make me a new person. I don’t spend my time drinking my life away, I’m not putting myself at risk for STDs every single night of my life. I want to be better than that. I respect Sam and she deserves better than that. She’s always been made second best, she’s never had a thing to herself. And I want to be that. I want to be that one thing that’s her’s and only her’s. I can’t do that if I’m never sober. I want to be able to impress Sam, and I highly doubt I’m that impressive when I’m slurring and falling all over the place like some kind of bloke.

So, I guess I completely contradicted myself. I am a new person. But, it’s a good new. Not a bad new.

And Tom needs to open his eyes and realize that. Which is why at this very moment, I’m removing myself from my bed and making my way towards my bedroom door, dressed in a pair of jeans and a t shirt. I took a quick look at my clock. 4:32. Only an hour and a half until dinner. Only an hour and a half to convince Tom that Sam isn’t my downfall.

I opened my bedroom door and stepped onto the cold tile, my feet pale white against the black of the floor. They seemed to be making loud pounding noises as I made my way to Tom’s door. I was so preoccupied by getting all the way there, that as I passed the kitchen, I took no notice of my mum and dad’s hushed argument.

I approached Tom’s door, which was covered in numerous Polaroid shots. Shots of me from a few years ago, shots of Matt and I, shots of Tom and I, shots of Tom and Audri, and then just random shots of grimy fences, the sidewalk, shots of grass. I raised my hand and knocked loudly between a picture of Audri with an embarrassed grin on her face and a picture of my mum with flour in her hair.

“Come in!” Tom yelled, unaware it was me at the door.

My heart started pounding in my best as my trembling had reached for the knob. I grasped onto it tightly and twisted it, pushing the door open. Tom was sitting at his desk, with his back to me, tinkering with something in his hands. He didn’t say another word, obviously preoccupied. I crossed the room, quietly, afraid he would recognize my foot steps. Instead, I found myself sitting on the edge of his bed when something caught my attention. I looked closer to see an extremely old picture of myself. And I’m talking old, like when I was still with SJ. As a matter of fact, she was in the picture. I stood up and walked over to it, squinting closely at it before peeling it away from the piece of tape that had it stuck to the wall.

“Tom, what the ‘ell is this doin’ in ‘ere?” I asked, staring even closer at it, trying to find out its significance.

He turned around quickly, startled by my the sound of my voice in particular, “What the ‘ell are yeh doin’ in ‘ere?” He snapped.

“I came teh talk teh yeh. Who else did yeh think it was?”

“I dunno,” He said quietly, dropping his gaze, “I figured it was Audri ‘er something’.”

I laughed slightly, doing my best to rid the tension in the room, “Tom, yeh’re about an ‘our ahead on schedule there. Yeh’ve been messin’ around with that damn camera too much.”

“What do yeh want Olleh?” He asked, setting it down.

“I told yeh, I wanna talk.”

“Then get to it.”

“What is the deal with yeh Tom? What’s yeh’re problem with Sam?”

“I don’t ‘ave a problem with Sam.”

“Bullshit yeh don’t. Yeh always ‘ave somethin’ nasty teh say about ‘er. I don’t say nasty things about Audri.”

“That’s ‘cause Audri didn’t turn meh into a twat!” Tom snarled.

“What the ‘ell is that supposed teh mean?”

“Yeh’re arse over tits for ‘er! She completely breaks yeh, and yeh spend three months doin’ nothin’ but drinkin’ and feelin’ sorry for yerself, then she comes back, and yeh’re runnin’ around ‘ere like a little fairy!”

“So this is about meh not drinkin’ with yeh anymore, huh?”

“No Olleh. It’s about yeh changin’ like a fuckin’ chameleon to accommodate dear lil’ Sammeh.”

“Whatever Tom! That’s a crock of shit. Yeh know what? Sam ‘asn’t told meh teh change a thing! I just don’t like bein’ sloshed all the damn time. It gets old, yeh know.”

“Yeah, ‘m sure it got real old, gettin’ pissed and screwed every night!” He retorted, “That must’ve really fuckin’ sucked.”

“Unlike yeh, I try teh be meh best fer everyone. I don’t like meh when I’m drunk, an’ ‘m sure yeh’re the only one who does. Sam’s already seen meh like that, I wouldn’t want teh embarrass mehself again.”

“Really?” Tom snorted, “Yeh’re best fer everyone?”

“Yeah, everyone.”

“What, am I not important enough to be included in this everyone?” He questioned quietly, “’M I not brill enough, or did I not ‘urt yeh bad enough with all the drinkin’?”

“Tom, what’re yeh-”

“I’ve always been ‘ere Olleh. Always!” He was yelling now, getting frustrated, “An’ then Sam shows up and it’s like, ‘Ey Tom, why don’t yeh piss off?”

“Tommeh, I didn’t know-”

“Yeh’re damn straight yeh didn’t know!” He hollered, cutting me off again, “’Cause yeh don’t fuckin’ care! It’s all about yeh, and what’s makin’ yeh ‘appeh. An’ now that Sam’s ‘ere teh make yeh ‘appeh, yeh act like ‘m not even alive.”

“Tom, yeh ‘ad meh permanently ‘ammered for the last three months! I don’t remember shit! ‘Ow am I supposed teh know that we were great buddies before I stopped drinkin’?”

“Yeh were practically dyin’ Olleh. Mum, Dad, and I were terrified we’d wake up and yeh’d ‘ave killed yerself! I ‘ad teh do somethin’!”

“So, gettin’ meh piss drunk every night was supposed teh ‘elp? I couldn’t even think straight!”

“That’s the only way I could get yeh out of bed and into the shower. When yeh’re drunk, yeh don’t know what the ‘ell is goin’ on and yeh do whatever anyone wants yeh too Olleh. Yer feelings were gone, which meant yeh weren’t boobin’ all the time… I did meh best.”

“Tom that’s ‘ardly the best!”

“Yeh’re right!” He yelled, “Sorry. I coulda done better, right? Well, yeh coulda been a better big brother! Yeh coulda fuckin’ called meh more than twice while yeh were gone, yeh coulda at least acknowledged meh when yeh came back! But yeh didn’t!” He paused, “Yeh fuckin’ suck. I used teh look up teh yeh. An’ now I don’t even want teh be around yeh. An’ yeh wanna know the really shitty thing? ‘M not even mad about yeh fuckin’ up, I don’t care that yeh made a twat out of yerself by drinkin’ too much, or bawlin’ like a girl when yeh ‘ad teh come ‘ome. ‘M mad at yeh fer bein’ a shitty brother an’ not bein’ there fer meh.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but I was abruptly cut off by a small knock at Tom’s door. Assuming it was Audri, I didn’t want to yell in front of her, so I turned around and placed the picture back over it’s piece of tape and walked towards Tom’s closed door. I twisted the knob and pulled the door open to reveal an extremely surprised Audri.

“Oi, Olleh, are yeh alright?” She asked, “Are yeh cryin’?”

Embarrassed, I quickly maneuvered my way around her and headed towards my bedroom without uttering a word. I slammed my door behind me and threw myself on my bed, my eyes stinging with tears.

I didn’t want to believe what Tom was telling me, but it was undoubtedly true. I had been a shitty brother. And Sam was no more wrong than him, telling me that I had abandoned my brother, leaving him to fend for himself.

And maybe it wasn’t the best idea for Tom to throw me in a mosh pit of booze and naked girls, but he just didn’t want me so upset anymore; and now I see that. He wanted me around, he wanted me back. I can see now how it scared him to see me so upset, so far away from myself, so quiet, so moody, so terribly upset, and even if he didn’t go about things correctly, at least he tried. Which is something I didn’t even do.

I didn’t try to be there for Tom, I didn’t try talking to him about what was bothering me, I didn’t try anything. I just acted like my world was falling down and nothing but Sam mattered. I suddenly realized Tom probably felt just like I’d felt when I realized that Sam wasn’t coming.

He felt sick, abandoned, lost, and ultimately, not good enough. And while I accomplished nothing in talking to him, I think it did me good. I can start thinking about how to fix things. I just really hope I said enough to keep him from being nasty to Sam tonight.

And not only was I laying on my bed, realizing how horrid I’d been, but I’d also started to realize how much it affected Tom. I hadn’t seen him leave his room to take pictures in a while, I haven’t seen him get dressed and ready in a while, he mostly just sits around, waiting for Audri to show up and kick him in the ass and get going. I’d done this all to my little brother.

My little brother who used to look up to me, my little brother who used to follow me everywhere. I’d managed to shatter his image of me in a short amount of time, compared to the last sixteen years he’d spent trying to be just like me.

I was horrid.

I took yet another glance at my clock and prayed to God that my appetite would return within the next forty five minutes. There was no way I’d be able to sit through dinner just pretending to eat. Especially not after my mum had worked so hard on dinner and my dad had finally agreed to have everyone over. It just wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

Not to mention, it wouldn’t be fair to Sam. I couldn’t be in a bad mood when she showed up. She didn’t know my family, she’d never been around them, and they’re not much like the Oliver that Sam knows. I’m not the same Oliver that Sam knows around my family.

I’m a little bit different. But, I’m trying to change. And hopefully my mum and Tom realize that. That I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt them, that I’d pushed them away.

And when they realize I’m changing because of Sam, maybe they’ll forgive me. ‘Cause that’s all I need, is a little forgiveness. I know I fucked up, and whether or not my mum and Tom were rude to me when I first came back, that’s regardless. I should have pushed to talk to them, to make them listen, to show them that I’d bug them until they listened, ‘cause I cared what they thought.