Apology Accepted

A couple of weeks had passed since Oliver and I had gotten over our little fight and it felt like Christmas was just creeping around the corner. I still had to worry about getting gifts for everyone, and I didn't have any clue how much money Marilyn and Marsha had given me. I had yet to ask Oliver about it as well. I'd most likely just wait until we went shopping and ask him.

Tom and Oli's parents had dragged us all out of bed a couple of hours ago to help put up the Christmas tree. As Tom and Oliver argued like little kids over who was going to put the star on top, I sat down at the dining table and stirred my cocoa with a candy cane. It was all somewhat surreal, being with an actual family for Christmas. It'd been a really long time.

We'd already hung up lights, which was rather terrifying, seeing as how Oli had made a point to walk under both ladders while Tom and I were on them, just to prove to us that it wasn't bad luck. The snow was still falling, as it had been for the last four days. I wasn't too fond of snow, but there wasn't much I could do about it, seeing as how I was in Sheffield. I kept my complaints to myself, because in all honesty, the snow was pretty. As long as I was slopping in it or walking around in wet socks, I didn't mind it.

Thoughts of spending Christmas at the foster home came pouring into my mind at the mere mention of wet socks. I remember every winter, I never had a nice pair of shoes to wear and I'd walk home from school, my toes red and numb from walking around outside. Every year, I hoped for a new pair of shows, but never got any, which was upsetting but understandable. I didn't want a pair of expensive light up shoes or shoes that would make me 'fit in'. I just wanted a pair of shoes that kept my feet warm.

"Sam!" Oliver's voice yelled from across the room, grabbing my attention.

"What?"

"What do yeh want fer Christmas?"

"Yeh arse," Tom laughed, "Yeh can't just ask 'er like that, she'll know what yeh're buyin' 'er."

"I already know what 'm gettin' 'er, yeh twit." Oli said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Mum and dad wanna know what teh get 'er. So, what'll it be?"

"Shoes."

"Shoes?"

I nodded.

"Yeh've got shoes."

"I know. But I've always wanted some for Christmas."

He grinned, somewhat knowingly, "Alright."

"Did you guys find out who's putting the star on the tree?"

Tom nodded and held the start out towards me with a small smile on his face, "Yeh are."

"But it's not my tree." I paused, getting up, but stopping myself, "One of you should do it."

"We can't decide. So we both agreed yeh should do it."

"Why don't both of you do it?"

Oli stepped in, looking at me, "Or yeh can stop bein' stubborn an just do it Sammeh. I know yeh wanna."

He was absolutely right. I did want to. I hadn't done it since I was a little girl with my mom and dad. The tree was never a 'family effort' in foster care. We went to sleep, woke up, and there was the tree. All lit up and decorated, depending on the foster home you were in. So, when Tom and Oliver offered to let me put the star on the tree, I couldn't help but getting somewhat emotional. Just the mere fact they'd considered letting me put the most important part of three tree on made me want to burst into tears. It made me feel like I was finally part of their family. I'd felt like a part before, but you don't let just anyone put the star on your Christmas tree. It has to be someone you care about and love. I could be blowing this entire thing out of proportion, but in my eyes, putting that star on the Sykes' tree meant more to me than they ever could have imagined.

"'Ow 'bout it Sam?" Tom asked again, gesturing towards me with the star.

I quickly jumped up from my seat at the table and took the star from Tom's hands. With some help from Oliver, I managed to place the star perfectly at the top of the tree. Once Oli put me down, I leaned against him and looked up at the star. At that moment, I'd never felt more at home at a house that wasn't mine.

Correction.

When Carol brought in a plate of freshly baked cookies and Ian followed her with glasses of milk, I'd never felt more at home. Period.

Everyone was chatting excitedly about Christmas being so close and I couldn't help but smile as everyone bickered back and forth playfully. We'd began puling out games upon games when Tom ran to his bedroom and came back moments later, with a camera gripped tightly in his hands. Everyone began making protests, turning away from the camera or covering their faces, mumbling about not wanting to be photographed so early in the morning. They told Tom to go put it away and just play the game. I watched as he started to go put it away, but he looked so upset over it, so I scooted closer to Oli and grinned cheekily, punching him in the arm.

"Smile Oli!" I laughed loudly, accidentally closing my eyes right before I heard the click of the camera and felt the flash on my face.

Once I'd managed to force Oli into a couple more shots, both Ian and Carol decided to give in and take a few pictures for Tom as well. But, we couldn't have one without Tom, so he quickly set the time, put the camera on a chair and rushed over to us, tripping over the game board, sending pieces of it flying everywhere. He ignored the small mishap as best as he could, grinning at the camera as the rest of us busted into laughter, tears teasing the corners of our eyes. Once the camera had flashed and clicked, we all collapsed against each other and continued laughing.

After a few minutes, the laughter subsided and it only took one more glance at Tom for me to explode with laughter again, causing everyone else in the room to start laughing again as well.

It took us a full ten minutes to calm down and we began picking up the pieces to the game, tossing them back into the box. As Oliver stuck his head underneath the coffee table to reach for a dice to the game board, Tom tapped me on the shoulder, grinning mischievously mouthing watch this.

"Holy shit Ols!" He yelled suddenly, startling me.

"What?" Oli shrieked, lifting his head up quickly and cracking it on the edge of the table. He rubbed it and fully sat up, glaring in our direction, "Ow. Fuck. God damn it Tom."

"Yeh twat! Yeh fall fer that every time!" Tom laughed.

Oli looked over in my direction for some comfort of some type, but I was laughing too hard when I said, "Are you okay?"

"Piss off!" He grinned at us both, "Yeh made it sounded like yeh were dyin'!"

He threw something at Tom, hitting him in the cheek, "Ouch!" Tom yelled, "What the 'ell-"

"Found the dice."

I laughed again as the phone rang shrilly. I heard Carol answer it and talk quietly into the receiver with a slight politeness to her voice. I heard her set the phone down on the kitchen counter as she came into the living room, "Sammeh doll. Yeh're mum is on the phone."

I cringed slightly, hoping they weren't calling to bitch at me again for not ringing them more often. I'd called at least five times in the last two weeks, and I honestly got sick of talking to them. They just wanted to harp on me the whole time they were on the phone.

I followed her back into the kitchen and picked up the chunk of plastic, pressing it against my cheek, "Hello?"

"Hi Sam!" Marilyn said, "What're you doing?"

"Oh nothing." I said, walking across the hall into Oli's room, "We just finished putting the Christmas tree up."

"Oh yeah? And how was that?"

I grinned to myself, sitting down on Oliver's bed, "It was a lot of fun. We even played some games and stuff."

"Well, I'm glad you're having a good time." She paused, "I guess that means you're not going to be home in time for Christmas?"

"I don't think so." I paused, "I mean unless you guys really want me to." I said, knowing that Marilyn wouldn't make me, because she knew how much I wanted to stay with Oli as long as I could.

"You're coming back to finish classes, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I said, my throat becoming choked, "I can't just give up on them."

"I know it's hard for you Sam. I don't want you to be upset, I just have to think about your future." She stopped, laughing quietly, "I didn't mean to sound so... Motherly."

"Marilyn. You are my mom. You're supposed to sound like that." I said, my voice coming out cracked and my nose getting that tingly feeling from tears starting to come from my eyes.

"Please tell me I didn't make you cry Sam." She said, noticing my tone of voice, "You were having such a nice day, decorating the house and I had to call and ruin it, with all this talk of you coming home. I'm so sorry."

"No, don't worry about it. I know that you're just worried about me giving up my education to stay in some foreign country with a boy," I laughed slightly, "But I promise I'll be home to finish my classes okay?"

I wasn't sure that was a promise I could keep, but I had to tell Marilyn that to keep her from flying here and dragging me home right now.

"Okay," She paused, "Well I'll let you get back to your fun, alright? I love you."

"Love you too."

Once I'd hung up the phone, I set it softly on the floor and curled up in a ball on Oli's bed, doing my best to control my tears. I hated being so close to Oliver, knowing I wasn't going to be able to stay. I wanted to ask him about what was going to go on once I had to leave, but every time I even took a step in that direction, he ran a mile away from me and he refused to stop until I dropped the subject. It was an awkward conversation and I never got one straight answer.

Right now, I was almost begging him to come through the door, just I could unload on him and talk to him about how scared I was. I felt like he should be here to fucking talk to be about this and I almost became angry with him because I'd tried so many times to talk about it, and he always found some way to ignore me without me realizing it until later.

I rolled over on my side and stretched out, folding my hands together and sticking them under my cheek, letting the tears flow freely now. I was fed up with not knowing what was going to happen with Oli and I. It wasn't fair. How am I supposed to just fly back home without him and forget about him? I can't do a long distance relationship, because I need that closeness of another human being. They have to physically be with me, because I can't live off words and promises. Photos don't move and words don't kiss me or hold my hand. They don't keep me safe or confident in myself. They don't mean much to me anymore.

Words speak. Actions scream.

My breath hitched in my throat as I heard Oliver's door creak open. I opened one eye and looked up at him. I couldn't really place his expression. It was a mixture of worry or confusion, while he was still questioning the situation. And then he became concerned, walking across the room and sitting down on the bed, his back leaning against my stomach as he leaned over and ran a hand over my face, pushing my hair behind my ear.

"Why're yeh cryin' Sam?"

"We really need to talk about some things."

"Like what?"

"Like what's going to happen when I have to leave."

"Sam!" He groaned, looking down at the floor, "Why do yeh always 'ave teh bring this up?

"Well, you never try talking to me about it, you know. We can't just ignore it Oli. It's going to happen, and I want to know if we're still going to be together or not."

"Why does that matter right this second Sam?"

"Because, I'm not going to waste my time if we're going to end up being nothing."

I watched as Oli's face screwed up and I realized the error in my words, "So yeh're sayin' that this relationship hasn't been worth a god damn thing unless we end up gettin' married 'er somethin'?"

I sighed, "No. But I can't just put my all into this if nothing is going to come of it. I can't deal with that anymore Oli. I know I sound like a broken record, but fuck. I've dealt with loving someone with everything I have and then losing them way too many times. I can't handle it again, especially because I don't think I've loved someone as much as I love you right now. So I need to know," I paused, looking up at him, "Do I mean that much to you? That you would be willing to come with me, or least wait for me until I finish school?"

"I dunno Sam." He spoke quietly, pulling at string on my sweat shirt.

"You know I'm not going to get mad at you if you say no, right Oli?"

"It's just like, I dunno. Yeh're leavin' because yeh 'ave teh finish school, yeh know? Yeh don't want teh, but you have teh."

"Right."

"I don't want yeh to leave, but I can't go with yeh. I 'ave teh stay 'ere and work on my band. I can't just leave Tom again. We just started talkin' and I just dunno if I can do that teh 'im again. Yeh're so important teh me Sam, but I can't just leave."

I nodded, "I understand."

"Don't be upset Sam."

I wiped my face, trying to clear it of my watering eyes, "Don't tell me not to be upset. I can't control how I feel. I know where you're coming from and I understand."

"Yeh know I'd never 'urt yeh on purpose."

"I know that Oli." I paused, looking at him again, "So does that mean that we're just going to go our separate ways?"

"Just 'cause I tell yeh I can't follow yeh teh the States doesn't mean I don't love yeh." He grinned slightly, moving so that he could wrap his arms around me, "I want teh stay with yeh. I love yeh."

"I love you too Oli." I said quietly, leaning against him, "A lot."

I closed my eyes again, wiping them with the back of my hand, doing my best not to cry again. I was scared. I didn't trust myself not to lie to him. I loved him, a lot. But I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I would have to live off of phone calls and possibly letters. What happened if I met someone? Or if he met someone?

My stomach churned at the mere thought of that. I suddenly felt so stupid. Like, did I really think it was okay to think like that? No. But I couldn't make sense of anything at that moment. I was terrified.

"Yeh wanna go Christmas shoppin' with meh tomorrow?" Oliver asked, his voice rumbling against my back and his breath dancing across my neck as he kissed it softly.

"Yeah, sure."

And that was the end of our conversation. The conversation I'd been forcing between us for the last two weeks, just put to a close by me being too much of a pussy to tell Oli what I really thought about long distance relationships.