Apology Accepted

I was sitting at the kitchen table, pushing around mashed potatoes my mum had made for dinner. My stomach was still tied in knots, and I had absolutely no intention of pulling them apart any time soon. I watched with watery eyes as my dad's hands came past me and picked up the plate, accidentally knocking the fork out of my hands. He took the plate away and the only sounds I heard were that of warm water washing the food off the ceramic plate. I stared at the corner of the table until it turned blurry.

My eyes began to leak tears again. They carefully rolled down my face, catching in the corners of my mouth. I set my hands on the table and stared at the ink etched into my wrist. I thought of Sam's tattoo. A choked sob echoed in my throat. I thought of her eyes. I clenched mine together, trapping the tears between my eye lids.

She'd actually left. I thought it would be different. I thought I could convince her that I could make something of myself, of us. Of something. I thought that I would have been able to get her to stay a bit longer. It was selfish of me to expect her to care that much, but Sam wasn't just some girl. She was that girl. I always hear someone in some place, talking about some girl who changed their entire life. That girl that makes him laugh, that girl that puts up with him, that girl that loves him, that girl that makes the fucking sun shine.

That's Sam, that's her. She's that fucking girl. She's snarky, she doesn't put up with shit, she's beautiful, she's sarcastic, and she's fucking everything. And I lost her. Not only is she on her way to the States, she's no longer mine. I won't be getting a phone call once she gets home, no letter, no email, nothing. She's just gone. Just like I left her.

And when I think about it, I almost think that I deserve this. I think that it's my fault and this is exactly what should be happening to me right now. But another part of me doesn't really understand. If Sam had to go through this once in her life, if she had to deal with the heart break of her leaving me, wouldn't her leaving me have the same exact effect? Wouldn't she be just as sick as she was before, just as depressed, just as lost, just as broken? Why would she want to do this to herself?

Which just makes me wonder, does she even love me? Did she ever? Maybe she just showed up over here because she felt bad. Maybe Matt bothered her so fucking much she just decided to get it over with and get her arse on a plane. Maybe this whole entire thing was just a bunch of shit and nothing ever really meant much to her.

I don't want to think of Sam like that though, because I know she's not like that. She's just that girl. That one that makes me think, makes me want to know why. Makes me want to follow her everywhere, even if it's thousands of miles away.

The human race is a difficult thing to understand. Relationships are never formed because people doubt themselves. They doubt their feelings and they don't seek far enough into other's to realize their feelings. No one ever goes with their gut instinct, because they're afraid it's wrong. Love is something never spoken of, because 'no one knows what it really is', or some people think it's a much too serious thing to say to another person.

But I say, fuck the human race. Fuck everything about it. Love is love and I know exactly what it is. It's the way I feel about Sam. It's the way my heart slams against my chest every time she tells me she loves me. It's the feeling I get when she opens her eyes and I feel like I'm staring up at the sky. It's the sweat in my palms when we're racing to get our clothes off. It's the knots in my stomach I felt when I knew she was leaving. It's the way I feel like I'm going to die every second I know she's not coming back.

Love to me, is Sam.

And now that she's gone, I have no love. I have nothing to love. No one to love. Nothing. Life means absolutely nothing without Sam.

I shifted in the uncomfortable wooden chair I was sitting in. My mind was focused on the branch scraping against the back door, and I heard in the back of my mind a frantic knock at the door. I ignored it. Tom came lazily down the stairs, scratching the top of his head. He turned on the light, flicked the lock and twisted the handle on the door.

My eyes flickered over to the clock, reading 8 PM. Couldn't imagine who might be at our house this fucking late.

"Aye, what the 'ell are yeh doin' 'ere?"

My stomach dropped as those words tumbled out of Tom's mouth. It was probably Matt, or one my mother mates, coming to see if I was alright, must've heard the news. I suddenly wanted to jump out of the chair I was sitting in and bolt into my bedroom. I wanted to climb in between my sheets and hide from the world. Hide from everyone. But I knew from the view of the front door, I'd have already been seen and there was no point in hiding now.

My eyes channeled in on a nic in the corner of our table and I refused to tear them away. I heard the front door close and shoes slosh through our living room. They moved quickly. I didn't recognize them as Matt's and realized they must be Curtis'. I mentally hit myself in the face repeatedly, embarrassed to be seen this way again. The shoes stopped behind me. I could feel the cold presence of whoever it was, I could smell the sweat on their skin. And as I looked up, I saw their reflection in the glass of the back door.

My heart stopped.

I jumped out of that chair faster than I'd moved in my entire life and threw my arms around Sam, feeling how cold she really was. My eyes leaked tears, and as soon as my skin made contact with her's, her arm's wrapped around my neck and she began bawling.

"I'm so fucking sorry," She cried, "I left and I sat in that air port for two fucking hours. I just couldn't do it Oli. I couldn't get on that plane."

I pulled her head into my neck, kissing her wet hair, "I don't care. It doesn't matter Sam. I can't believe yer still 'ere."

Her body shook against mine, "I'm never leaving again. Not without you. I can't."

I squeezed her body tight, "I can't believe yeh came back. What are yeh gonna tell Marilyn?"

"I don't know. I don't even fucking care Oli. I can't go home without you. I can't leave here without you. I need you so much. I don't care if they never talk to me again." She raised her head and looked at me, "I love you."

"I love yeh too Sam. So much. Yeh don't even know."

I felt her lips smash against mine, cold and wet. She pressed her palms against my face and pulled me as close as she possibly could.

"I won't ever leave you again." She breathed, "I don't have the strength."

"What made yeh come back?"

She pulled away from me and stared up at me, "I got all the way to the air port and I'm sitting there, with all my bags, and I can hear all these people talking around me and it was so loud. And this guy drops something. So I lean over to pick it up, and it's a pack of Camel cigarettes. Right then, I knew I had to come back." She paused to keep herself from crying, "And I left all my shit there. I didn't even think twice. I dropped all my shit and I ran out those doors, I jumped in this taxi. It already had it's doors open and I threw a wadded ball of money at him. I don't even know how much it was, but I just threw it at him and he told me to shut the door. So I did. And we drove here."

"I was waitin' fer yeh teh come back."

"It's a good thing." She smiled softly, "I'm real sorry about everything Oli. Breaking up and telling you it wouldn't work out. I was just so fucking scared."

"It really doesn't matter teh meh Sam." I said, taking her hand in mine, and leading her to my bedroom.

I pushed the door open, and my room suddenly felt so much more full. Like, it was wrong not to have Sam there. I pulled her over to the bed and both of us crawled between the covers, hardly letting go of each other. I clutched her in my arms, continuously kissing the top of her head.

She wiped her eyes and sniffed loudly, then laughed.

"What are yeh laughin' at?"

"Us."

"Why?"

"Because Oli." She laughed again, "Look at us. We're so grabby, so touchy, so..."

"In love." I said quietly, kissing her on the cheek.

"Yeah," She added, "So in love."

"I fuckin' love yeh Sam. So god damn much."

"I love you too." She paused, "I wonder what your mom and dad are going to say in the morning."

"I told yeh so."

She giggled, "You think so?"

"I do."

The silence enveloped us again and Sam kicked her shoes off, then unlatched herself from me for only a few moments to rid herself of her t shirt and her jeans, remaining in underwear and a tank top. She neatly tucked herself back into my arms and sighed.

"Oli?" She said quietly.

"Mmm?"

"I'm done fucking around with you. No more breaking up. No more moving across the country. I'm not even going to get out of this bed without you. I won't walk across the room into the bathroom without holding your hand. I'm so scared to lose you again."

"'m not goin' anywhere love."

"Neither am I."

I squeezed her slightly, and placed my chin on top of her head, "I know, Doll. I know."

"You know, we're going to have to be together forever right?"

"I 'ave no problem with that." I laughed, "I can deal with seein' yeh every mornin'. I can deal with kissin' yeh every day. I can deal with everythin', even forever."

"You think you can deal with everything, huh?" She said, smiling in the dark.

"I know I can deal with everythin'."

"You're making quite the promise, there Mr. Sykes."

"Well, it's a good thing I never break meh promises then."

Sam was quiet. She rolled over so her face was pressed against my chest and she draped an arm across my stomach. I closed my eyes against the dark and smiled softly. Only minutes ago, I didn't think I was going to make it to my bed, now I don't even want to leave it.

Despite every little thing Sam and I have been through, no matter how stupid, or insignificant, it doesn't measure up to half the amount of love we have for each other. Anything could happen to Sam and I right now, and I know we could make it through.

This wasn't just some girl and me.

This was Sam. This was me. This was Sam and me together. This was us.

It will always be us. No matter what either of us has to do to stick around. We'll do it.

"Sam?" I said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"'m in love with yeh." I paused, "And yer the only girl 've ever said that teh."

"You're the only boy I'd fly across the country to lay in a bed with Oli."