Apology Accepted

I’d been at Matt’s for about thirty minutes, still on my knees, trying to get Sam to speak to me. But, I couldn’t. She was still bawling, snot running from her nose, wiped across her face, her eyes leaked tears, and last night’s make up dripped down her cheeks. It was impossible to get her to even look at me directly, much less get her to talk. I’ve been unable to get anywhere with her, and I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself as much as I hate myself right this moment.

I thought I hated myself when I found out I’d hurt Sam, but actually seeing what I’ve done to her, seeing the way she can’t even talk because she’s crying so hard, that only makes me feel worse.

I’m still leaned against her, holding her close to me, trying not to shake uncontrollably, I had lost the battle with crying a long time ago.

I felt Sam’s head lift slightly in the air, but I didn’t look up at her, afraid she wouldn’t say what she wanted to say. Matt’s feet shuffled nervously and he cleared his throat.

“Why don’t yeh let Sam go take a shower? I’ll make yeh some coffee, Ol.”

I pulled away from Sam with a questioning face, almost asking her if she actually wanted a shower. But, she had her head lowered in embarrassment, still hiding her face from me. She removed her arms from my shoulders and leaned forward, waiting for me to move myself so she could make her way to the bathroom. I looked towards Matt, realizing I must have missed some type of communication between the two of them. I nodded softly and stood up, moving slightly to the left.

I watched as she started to move, keeping her head facing towards the carpet. I reached a hand out to help her up, but she pretended not to notice it. She stumbled to her feet and walked across the living room floor.

I stood there dumbly, watching after her as her hips moved slightly from side to side, her sweats sliding off her hips, and her small arms wrapped self consciously around her waist, almost protectively. Her jet black hair was all shoved to one side, and she sniffed loudly as she stopped at the small door. She turned around stiffly and took another look at me before she twisted the knob and stepped through the door and closed it behind her.

Her eyes looked scared. They held a certain longing in them, still the same gorgeous blue they’d always been, but they’d lost something. Their warmth had disappeared and replaced by what I could only pinpoint as fear. She wasn’t angry, or upset. She was terrified.

And even after she was gone, I wondered why she looked at me that way, and then I realized why. She thought I was going to leave her again. She didn’t even have enough faith in me to trust I could stick around for five or ten minutes. I felt like the world’s biggest piece of shit.

Matt and I stood in silence for the next few minutes as we waited for the shower to turn on. The flat was so quiet, and so tense, that I could hear Sam undressing herself.

I could hear as she removed each piece of clothing. First, she dropped her sweats to the floor and then she bent over, pulling her socks off. The only sounds that I can hear are that of Sam, and they’re so vivid, I can practically picture her in my mind as she pulls her black tank top from the bottom, over her head. And she’s now naked, besides her underwear. I guessed she’d shed her bra last night before bed. I listened closely as her small hands reached towards the top of her underwear and she pulled them down slowly.

They drop to the floor and I hear the closet door open. She pulls a towel out and then walks over to the shower, pulling the curtain to one side and stepping in, closing the curtain.

The tension in the room finally loosened as the water came barreling through the faucet in Matt’s bathroom and I looked towards him, feeling ashamed of myself. I was ready to apologize when Matt grinned slightly, one of his ‘knowing’ smirks and he turned around, his back facing me as he began making coffee.

I ambled my way into the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen counter.

“’Ow long she been ‘ere?” I asked sheepishly, trying to start a small conversation.

“I dunno. She got ‘ere yesterday around five or so.”

“’As she been like that the whole time?”

“Nope,” He said, taking a big bite from a green apple and turning to face me, “She was a little solemn, kind of anxious when she first showed up, but then she found out I was takin’ ‘er teh yer ‘ouse, and she freaked out. Yeh shoulda seen ‘er, yackin’ on yer sidewalk ‘cause she was so nervous. Then, yeh went mad, screamin’ and yellin’ at ‘er and she’s been like that since.”

“Jesus.” I muttered, even more embarrassed.

Matt came and leaned against the other side of the counter and looked me straight in the face, “Yeh really owe that gal Ol-”

“-I know.” I interrupted.

“Shut up.” He said sternly, “Let meh finish. She dropped everythin’, an’ I mean everythin’ in the States teh come an’ see yeh. She says nothin’ but good about yeh, an’ she’s taken all the blame fer this. All of it. She dressed up teh see yeh last night, and yeh treated ‘er like shit, then just pretended she was invisible. Yeh’re lucky she even looked at yeh today.”

I waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t I repeated myself, “I know.”

“No Ols,” He muttered, slamming his half-eaten apple down on the counter, “Yeh don’t know. Cause if yeh did, yeh would ‘ave treated ‘er better.”

“I was sloshed outta meh mind last night, Matt!” I protested.

“’Ave yeh seen that bird Olleh?” He asked, indicating towards the bathroom, “She’s gorgeous! Incredible eyes, quiet, the funniest personality. She takes responsibility when she knows she’s fucked up. She respects ‘erself, and dresses like she cares, unlike those gals yeh’ve been with lately.” He stopped and pointed at me like a little boy in trouble, “Do not fuck this up. Yeh’ll never live through it. ‘M tellin’ yeh.”

He turned around again and reached into the cabinet, pulling down two coffee cups.

I couldn’t help but grin, completely giddy that was here to see Sam, and so thankful that I had a best friend who was willing to do anything to see me happy. Unlike my brother, Tom, who was trying as hard as he possibly could to ruin my life.

He walked over to the counter again and placed a black cup of coffee in front of me, nodding towards the bathroom door; where the noise of the water had stopped. I turned in my stood as Matt picked up his apple in one hand and balanced his coffee and a book in the other hand, walking towards his bedroom door.

“’Ey Matt?” I asked, right before he opened his bedroom door.

He turned around and looked at me, “Thank you.” I paused, “Fer always bein’ there.”

He nodded, “Yer welcome Olleh.”

He then turned towards his door again. He placed his hand on the door knob ad muttered something I wasn’t sure I was supposed to hear. But, it didn’t matter. I’d heard it loud and clear. I heard it as if Matt was screaming it at the top of his lungs with as much feeling as he could possibly get into it.

“Please don’t let ’im fuck this up.”

Once his door shut, I only had to wait a mere two minutes, taking small sips of my coffee before the door to the bathroom opened. Sam came out gingerly, she closed the door behind her. She was wearing a pair of loose jeans, new ones. And a big sweat shirt. Her small feet were covered in red socks, and her dark hair hung loosely around her face, her blue eyes peeping out from underneath her bangs.

She held her hands in front of her mouth and looked up at me curiously, almost like a little girl meeting someone for the first time. She looked so vulnerable, so scared, so… Gorgeous. Her feet moved slowly, left over right, left over right, it took her almost thirty seconds to take two steps. Being unable to keep myself away from Sam any longer, I moved way too fast towards her and collided into her, almost roughly.

I wrapped my right arm around her shoulders, desperately clutching her wet hair in my hands, the excess water dripping from the spaces in between my fingers. I had my other arm wrapped around her waist and I shoved two of my fingers in the belt loop on the back of her pants, pulling her against me.

Her arms clutched me tightly, and I could feel her mouth moving against my chest, trying to tell me something. She finally pulled away as I removed my hand from the back of her head.

“I missed you so much.” She said breathlessly.

“I know,” I said, “I missed you too.”

“What happened last night?” She asked quietly, “You were so scary… So horrible.”

“So pissed. Drunk. Rude.” I agreed.

She nodded, “I’ve never seen you like that.”

“’ve spent the last few months like that Sam, yeh just ‘aven’t seen meh.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you walk around like that, screaming and yelling, being drunk and angry all of the time? How could you let yourself act like that?”

I sighed loudly, and took Sam’s hand in mine, pulling her towards the couch. I looked at her face, her doll like face, with her gorgeous blue eyes, her small mouth, and her always innocent curious expression, and I felt my stomach drop down. I suddenly felt sick as I started to explain my pathetic behavior.

“I lost the one thing that meant everything teh meh. An’ I didn’t really lose it, I left it.” I paused, looking down at the couch cushion, “I ‘ated bein’ like that. I didn’t think I was brill, I didn’t like bein’ completely ‘ammered every night. I just did it ‘cause… ‘Cause it kept me from thinkin’ about you.”

“You didn’t want to think of me?” She said quietly.

“No,” I paused, “I loved thinkin’ about yeh. ‘bout the way yeh couldn’t light a cigarette without burnin’ yerself, ‘ow awkward yeh were at times, and ‘ow ‘ard it was fer yeh teh tell meh how yeh felt. Or whenever I ate pizza, I thought of that night. An’ it just made meh feel even worse, ‘cause I know that I ‘urt yeh. So I thought that drinkin‘ would mask the way I felt, which it did. But I wasn‘t someone I liked.”

“I just want you to know, Oli. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your life. I was just scared. I was scared of being close to someone, and when you left, I saw you just like all the others. But I swallowed my pride after I had talked to Matt.” She paused slightly, “I heard how bad you were. Matt told me how… sick you’d become, how you drank only to get drunk, drank to lose your hang over, and it took me a short while to realize it was my fault. And I just want you to know,” She said, pulling our mess of intertwined fingers towards her mouth and whispering against them, new tears forming in her eyes, “That I love you, and whatever I did to hurt you… I don’t want you to hate me for it, ‘cause I can’t live with that, Oli. I can’t live with the fact that the one person I love, hates me.”

“Sam,” I said, almost defensively, using my free hand to push the bangs from her eyes, “I don’t ‘ate yeh. I never ‘ave. If anythin’, I love yeh more than life itself. An’ I know that tellin’ yeh this now, doesn’t make up for meh leavin’ yeh without explainin’ mehself. But, ‘opefully its enough to make yeh stop cryin’,” I said, “’Cause I don’t like seein’ yeh cry.”

She smiled sadly, “Well, I don’t really like crying either. It just sort of happens.”

“Well, stop it.” I grinned.

Suddenly, my phone started buzzing loudly and without removing Sam’s hand from mine, I pulled it out of my pocket and answered it.

“’Ello?”

“Oliver. Where the ‘ell are yeh? Did yeh realize it’s almost five o’clock? Dinner’s ready and yeh’re not ‘ere.”

I looked towards the clock, wondering where in the hell four hours had gone, knowing there was no way in fuck I had been talking to Sam for three hours.

“’M at Matt’s,” I said, “I’ll be ‘ome in a minute. Lost track of time.”

She sighed loudly, “’M sure yeh did Ol.”

“I’ll be there soon, alright mum?”

“Alright.”

I closed the phone and stared at it until the outside screen went black. She knew. Tom told her. Tom went and narced on me, telling mum that Sam was here, at Matt’s, and that I was at Matt’s, talking to Sam. I could tell by the way she was talking to me that she knew.

“Oliver?” Sam said quietly, bringing my attention towards her once more.

“’M sorry.” I said, standing up, “I’ve got teh go.”

She stood up beside me, still clutching onto my hand. I couldn’t help but notice her grip had tightened slightly. Her body sort of leaned towards mine, and I thought for a moment she was leaning in for a kiss. But, was proved wrong as I felt her loosen her hands from mine and she wrapped her small arms around my waist.

I wrapped my arms securely around her shoulders, glad to be back in the world were hugs are first date, and kisses come last. Sex? Not even a question.

She pulled away, “Are you going to come over tomorrow?”

I grinned crookedly, “Yeh know I will.”

I brushed hair away from her face again, and quickly kissed her forehead, unable to keep my lips away from her skin.

I walked towards the door and stopped at it, turning around, “Don’t yeh leave on meh Sam.”

“Look who’s walking out the door Oli.” She smirked.

I nodded, waved and opened the door, and left.

A grin broke across my face as I slipped down the stairs and got into my car. I was going back tomorrow for Sam, and she was going to be there.

I was going to fix things.