Sequel: Sexy Like Jesus 2: He DOES Exsist ›
Sexy Like Jesus
Sexy Like Jesus
It was definitely going to be one of the strangest, if not the strangest day fifteen year old Billie Joe Armstrong and his best friends, Mike Pritchard and Frank "Tré" Wright. The freshman class of Pinole Valley High was going to a pro-life/chastity rally, featuring the famous Christian rock star Sal Solo.
"If he's so famous, why are they handing out papers about who he is?" asked Billie.
"Because he's a famous CHRISTIAN rock star," Mike said. "That one little word makes everything very different."
"Oh," Billie said, "yeah. Why do we even have to go to a chastity rally?!! I thought I was in a public school. We don't do this kind of stuff, do we?"
"It's also a pro-life rally, and we don't want kids having abortions," Ms. Engel replied. Billie made a confused face, "Well then, how about just the girls go?"
"Get in the bus, Billie Joe," Ms Engel pointed at the yellow open doors. He turned and started walking inside, rolling his eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes at me, Armstrong!" yelled Ms. Engel. Billie Joe paused for a second and continued walking. Mike went into the third window seat from the front, and Tré sat across from them.
"Creepy, man," Mike whispered.
"I think she's Skeletor in disguise," Billie widened his eyes dramatically. But the effect went from dramatic to shock in a matter of seconds as Adrienne Nesser, the prettiest girl in school (in Billie's opinion) walked into the aisle.
"Hi, Billie Joe," she waved.
"Hi, Adrienne," he croaked. She stopped next to him and said, "You know, I was wondering, if you aren't busy after school, we could study for the history test together."
"Actually," Mike started, "we've got—"
Billie slapped a hand over his mouth, "I've got absolutely nothing to do, AND I didn't study. You just say where and when."
"The library at four," she responded. He smiled, "I'll be there at three-fifty-nine." She touched his hand, "Great, I'll see you there." He watched her for the full two seconds it took for her to take the seat behind him. Mike stared at him, on the verge of laughter. Billie spied his expression out the corner of his eye. It said plainly: 'You? Three-fifty-nine? You mean a quarter after four.'
Billie crossed his arms and glared: 'Do you really think it's absolutely impossible for me to be where I'm supposed to be on time?' Mike nodded.
They were still talking about it when they got out of the bus. Mike immediately said to Tré, "Billie's ditching practice to study history with Adrienne Nesser."
"Don't act like you wouldn't have done the same," Billie whined. "I wouldn't have held it against you. I mean LOOK at her!" Tré pointed at him, "He's got a good point, you know."
"Thank you," said Billie. "Hey wait . . ."
"Freshmen this way!" called Ms. Engel. Mike motioned them into the direction of the building, "Come on, guys." Billie followed them. His shouts of, "What do you mean I have a good point? Were you checking her out . . .?" were getting more and more distant to the people outside.
It was a huge arena filled with kids from at least six different schools.
"Damn," said Tré, "all these hot girls. If they weren't so holy, holy I'd pick one up."
"They're okay, I guess," Billie nodded. "But . . ." He stopped. Adrienne walked past them and gave them a wave as she walked up to the bleachers Pinole High were designated to sit in.
"Why don't we go to the bleachers?" asked Billie. "I'm gonna go to the bleachers." He started to jog up after her. Tré looked at Mike, "I've never seen someone so whipped so fast." He closed his hand like he was holding something and threw out his arm, "Wha-kink!"
They sat at the top of the bleachers in the very corner.
"This is great," Mike said. "I'm at a rally I didn't want to go to, I'm sitting in the nosebleed seats, and I'm surrounded by people in uniforms."
"Well," Billie pointed out, "they give us lunch."
"And I bet it will be really entertaining," said Adrienne. "There are guitars and big screens. They must have SOMETHING to captivate our attention." She smiled. Billie Joe turned to Mike and Tré, and raised his eyebrows, "I know what's gonna captivate MY attention."
They at and waited as the crew set up the stage. After an hour went by, Billie asked pointedly, "Why are they taking so long? Couldn't they have the courtesy to set up before the umpteen school kids got here?"
It was another hour before the bald man who called himself Sal Solo came onto the platform.
"He looks like that guy," said Billie.
"What guy?" asked Mike.
"The bald guy," Billie elaborated.
"Yeah, Bill, that narrows it down," Tré laughed. Billie made a probing look, trying to detect sarcasm and finding it, "Shut up."
Sal Solo began to talk into the echoing, loud, microphone, "Hey kids!!" Billie, Mike, Tré, and Adrienne all put their hands to their ears.
"Who believes this world is a mess?" he asked. All the schools in the arena stood up.
"Who believes we can FIX this world?" he followed up with. Everyone stood up except Billie, Mike, and Tré. Adrienne giggled down at Billie's head, "Optimistic, are we?"
"Just realistic," he smiled back up at her. Sal Solo told everyone to sit down and started to explain why the world can be fixed.
"I thought this was a pro-life/chastity rally," said Mike. "When did 'save the world' come into it?" On cue, he began to talk about rock, sex, and groupies, "I've never been with a groupie. One of my old band mates used to sleep with a ton of groupies, and I used to ask 'How can you sleep with so many women?' And he would tell me 'Well, I don't TALK to them.' Because then, they would become real women, and he wouldn't be able to just use them for sex."
"That's bullshit!!" yelled Tré, but the crowd started cheering over him, and only Mike and Billie heard.
It was rather redundant and boring, and only a few things jogged their attention, like when Sal said, "Jesus is sexy. He takes all the garbage out of our souls. So be sexy like Jesus." Billie looked over at Mike, "'Sexy like Jesus.' Do I want to be sexy like Jesus? I don't remember reading about Jesus getting any in the bible."
"'He takes all the garbage out of our souls,'" said Tré. "So, let me get this straight, Jesus is a sexy garbage man." Billie and Mike took a second to think this over.
"Dude, he's right," Mike laughed.
"Well, he hasn't been doing his job very well," Billie joked. "Pickup is Tuesday and Thursday, Lord."
There was a group sing-along of "Awesome God" with pictures of Jesus on the big screens. The Pinole kids just babbled along while all the others sang.
"How are we supposed to know this?" asked Mike. "They didn't even give lyric sheets." Tré blew a raspberry, "Please. All these songs are the same. I love God, God loves me . . ."
"Sit down and shut up, Tré," said Mike. Tré frowned, "Okay."
"I really need to go home," Billie moaned as the private school students got down onto the stage and did the hand motions that went with the song. They sang for about a half an hour before the music went off and they started calling schools for lunch.
"And remember," said Sal Solo, "God is good, all the time. All the time . . ."
"God is good," shouted the crowd, except for Billie, who shouted, "every time I need it!"
"Let me out," Tré yelled. "Let me out right now!! Let me OUUUT!!!" He pretended he was a mime in a box.
Unfortunately, Pinole was the last school called into the empty carpeted floor that they were going to sit on to eat lunch. A whole crowd of people were standing in front of the turkey and cheese line.
"Man!" yelled Billie. "That's not fair! We were called last!"
The crowd started to disperse, and they could see the sign that said 'out.' They rolled their eyes and got onto the ham and provolone line. They got their sandwiches, and went into a corner. Billie leaned on a white wall, until Mike said, "Billie, don't lean on that; that's not a wall!!!" He started to stumble, and a pair of hands caught him by the wrists and pulled him up.
It was Adrienne.
"Thanks," he croaked. She smiled, "Can I have lunch with you guys?" Billie looked behind her at his friends, "Umm . . ." Mike and Tré nodded.
"Yeah, that'd be great."
She took a seat next to him and put her lunch on her lap.
"Hey," Billie called, "how did you get turkey and cheese?" She shrugged, "Oh, this? . . . I cut in front of everybody." He laughed, "That's genius, why didn't I think of that?" She pushed the box in his direction, "I only did it because I knew you would want turkey. I wanted ham. Want to trade?"
"Okay," he pushed it at her.
"We still on for studying tonight?" she asked as she opened the box and took a bite. He nodded, "Yeah, totally."
"Great." She put a hand on Billie's thigh. "Just so you know, I didn't listen to a word the bald guy said."
His eyes widened, and he pushed a fist into the air, "Let's STUDY!!!"
"If he's so famous, why are they handing out papers about who he is?" asked Billie.
"Because he's a famous CHRISTIAN rock star," Mike said. "That one little word makes everything very different."
"Oh," Billie said, "yeah. Why do we even have to go to a chastity rally?!! I thought I was in a public school. We don't do this kind of stuff, do we?"
"It's also a pro-life rally, and we don't want kids having abortions," Ms. Engel replied. Billie made a confused face, "Well then, how about just the girls go?"
"Get in the bus, Billie Joe," Ms Engel pointed at the yellow open doors. He turned and started walking inside, rolling his eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes at me, Armstrong!" yelled Ms. Engel. Billie Joe paused for a second and continued walking. Mike went into the third window seat from the front, and Tré sat across from them.
"Creepy, man," Mike whispered.
"I think she's Skeletor in disguise," Billie widened his eyes dramatically. But the effect went from dramatic to shock in a matter of seconds as Adrienne Nesser, the prettiest girl in school (in Billie's opinion) walked into the aisle.
"Hi, Billie Joe," she waved.
"Hi, Adrienne," he croaked. She stopped next to him and said, "You know, I was wondering, if you aren't busy after school, we could study for the history test together."
"Actually," Mike started, "we've got—"
Billie slapped a hand over his mouth, "I've got absolutely nothing to do, AND I didn't study. You just say where and when."
"The library at four," she responded. He smiled, "I'll be there at three-fifty-nine." She touched his hand, "Great, I'll see you there." He watched her for the full two seconds it took for her to take the seat behind him. Mike stared at him, on the verge of laughter. Billie spied his expression out the corner of his eye. It said plainly: 'You? Three-fifty-nine? You mean a quarter after four.'
Billie crossed his arms and glared: 'Do you really think it's absolutely impossible for me to be where I'm supposed to be on time?' Mike nodded.
They were still talking about it when they got out of the bus. Mike immediately said to Tré, "Billie's ditching practice to study history with Adrienne Nesser."
"Don't act like you wouldn't have done the same," Billie whined. "I wouldn't have held it against you. I mean LOOK at her!" Tré pointed at him, "He's got a good point, you know."
"Thank you," said Billie. "Hey wait . . ."
"Freshmen this way!" called Ms. Engel. Mike motioned them into the direction of the building, "Come on, guys." Billie followed them. His shouts of, "What do you mean I have a good point? Were you checking her out . . .?" were getting more and more distant to the people outside.
It was a huge arena filled with kids from at least six different schools.
"Damn," said Tré, "all these hot girls. If they weren't so holy, holy I'd pick one up."
"They're okay, I guess," Billie nodded. "But . . ." He stopped. Adrienne walked past them and gave them a wave as she walked up to the bleachers Pinole High were designated to sit in.
"Why don't we go to the bleachers?" asked Billie. "I'm gonna go to the bleachers." He started to jog up after her. Tré looked at Mike, "I've never seen someone so whipped so fast." He closed his hand like he was holding something and threw out his arm, "Wha-kink!"
They sat at the top of the bleachers in the very corner.
"This is great," Mike said. "I'm at a rally I didn't want to go to, I'm sitting in the nosebleed seats, and I'm surrounded by people in uniforms."
"Well," Billie pointed out, "they give us lunch."
"And I bet it will be really entertaining," said Adrienne. "There are guitars and big screens. They must have SOMETHING to captivate our attention." She smiled. Billie Joe turned to Mike and Tré, and raised his eyebrows, "I know what's gonna captivate MY attention."
They at and waited as the crew set up the stage. After an hour went by, Billie asked pointedly, "Why are they taking so long? Couldn't they have the courtesy to set up before the umpteen school kids got here?"
It was another hour before the bald man who called himself Sal Solo came onto the platform.
"He looks like that guy," said Billie.
"What guy?" asked Mike.
"The bald guy," Billie elaborated.
"Yeah, Bill, that narrows it down," Tré laughed. Billie made a probing look, trying to detect sarcasm and finding it, "Shut up."
Sal Solo began to talk into the echoing, loud, microphone, "Hey kids!!" Billie, Mike, Tré, and Adrienne all put their hands to their ears.
"Who believes this world is a mess?" he asked. All the schools in the arena stood up.
"Who believes we can FIX this world?" he followed up with. Everyone stood up except Billie, Mike, and Tré. Adrienne giggled down at Billie's head, "Optimistic, are we?"
"Just realistic," he smiled back up at her. Sal Solo told everyone to sit down and started to explain why the world can be fixed.
"I thought this was a pro-life/chastity rally," said Mike. "When did 'save the world' come into it?" On cue, he began to talk about rock, sex, and groupies, "I've never been with a groupie. One of my old band mates used to sleep with a ton of groupies, and I used to ask 'How can you sleep with so many women?' And he would tell me 'Well, I don't TALK to them.' Because then, they would become real women, and he wouldn't be able to just use them for sex."
"That's bullshit!!" yelled Tré, but the crowd started cheering over him, and only Mike and Billie heard.
It was rather redundant and boring, and only a few things jogged their attention, like when Sal said, "Jesus is sexy. He takes all the garbage out of our souls. So be sexy like Jesus." Billie looked over at Mike, "'Sexy like Jesus.' Do I want to be sexy like Jesus? I don't remember reading about Jesus getting any in the bible."
"'He takes all the garbage out of our souls,'" said Tré. "So, let me get this straight, Jesus is a sexy garbage man." Billie and Mike took a second to think this over.
"Dude, he's right," Mike laughed.
"Well, he hasn't been doing his job very well," Billie joked. "Pickup is Tuesday and Thursday, Lord."
There was a group sing-along of "Awesome God" with pictures of Jesus on the big screens. The Pinole kids just babbled along while all the others sang.
"How are we supposed to know this?" asked Mike. "They didn't even give lyric sheets." Tré blew a raspberry, "Please. All these songs are the same. I love God, God loves me . . ."
"Sit down and shut up, Tré," said Mike. Tré frowned, "Okay."
"I really need to go home," Billie moaned as the private school students got down onto the stage and did the hand motions that went with the song. They sang for about a half an hour before the music went off and they started calling schools for lunch.
"And remember," said Sal Solo, "God is good, all the time. All the time . . ."
"God is good," shouted the crowd, except for Billie, who shouted, "every time I need it!"
"Let me out," Tré yelled. "Let me out right now!! Let me OUUUT!!!" He pretended he was a mime in a box.
Unfortunately, Pinole was the last school called into the empty carpeted floor that they were going to sit on to eat lunch. A whole crowd of people were standing in front of the turkey and cheese line.
"Man!" yelled Billie. "That's not fair! We were called last!"
The crowd started to disperse, and they could see the sign that said 'out.' They rolled their eyes and got onto the ham and provolone line. They got their sandwiches, and went into a corner. Billie leaned on a white wall, until Mike said, "Billie, don't lean on that; that's not a wall!!!" He started to stumble, and a pair of hands caught him by the wrists and pulled him up.
It was Adrienne.
"Thanks," he croaked. She smiled, "Can I have lunch with you guys?" Billie looked behind her at his friends, "Umm . . ." Mike and Tré nodded.
"Yeah, that'd be great."
She took a seat next to him and put her lunch on her lap.
"Hey," Billie called, "how did you get turkey and cheese?" She shrugged, "Oh, this? . . . I cut in front of everybody." He laughed, "That's genius, why didn't I think of that?" She pushed the box in his direction, "I only did it because I knew you would want turkey. I wanted ham. Want to trade?"
"Okay," he pushed it at her.
"We still on for studying tonight?" she asked as she opened the box and took a bite. He nodded, "Yeah, totally."
"Great." She put a hand on Billie's thigh. "Just so you know, I didn't listen to a word the bald guy said."
His eyes widened, and he pushed a fist into the air, "Let's STUDY!!!"