Epic Rations

‘‘…Hey, guys, guess what?’’ Kuu asked excitedly, breaking the deafening silence.

Lauri and Omen’s heads turned towards her, expecting something interesting.
L’s however, continued to stare at his packet of crisps that was sat on the table in front of him.
‘‘I dislike guessing games.’’ He said, sounding bored.

He reached towards the packet of crisps and took out a handful, while still sat on his feet on the couch, which still never ceased to amaze everyone.

‘‘I’m bored.’’ Kuu announced.

Omen groaned, covering his face with one of his wings (a sort of bird style face-palm) while Lauri rolled his eyes at Kuu.

‘‘You, know, I was actually expecting something exiting to be inserted in there.’’ Lauri said. ‘‘Guess not.’’

‘‘Which is precisely why I dislike guessing games.’’ L said, stuffing his handful of crisps into his mouth.

Kuu rolled her eyes at him.

‘‘They always end in a lame catchphrase.’’ L added once he’d swallowed.

‘‘Oh, there’s been worse, let me tell you.’’ Omen chirped up from his perch on the back of the sofa behind L and Lauri.
L and Lauri both turned to look at him.

‘‘Don’t think I want to hear about them, though.’’ Lauri laughed.

‘‘What did he say?’’ L asked him.

Kuu hopped off of her spot at the dining room table.
‘‘He said…’’ She began, picking up the packet of crisps from the table in front of the two. ‘‘That you shouldn’t eat these.’’ She waved them in front of L’s face. ‘‘This is salt. Salt is like poison for you, isn’t it? And poison is bad.’’

L stared at her without saying anything, his face a complete blank. Kuu stared back, seeing where this was going. No, she was not going to break first this time.
Just as she was expecting, after a few minutes, L sighed.
‘‘So, you’re going to tell me what I can and can’t eat now?’’ He asked her. It didn’t sound like an accusation, just a general question.

Kuu smiled, satisfied that she’d won the staring contest or whatever.
‘‘Sure am.’’ She said cheerfully. ‘‘There’s some chocolate in the fridge. Go fetch.’’

L continued to stare at her for a few minutes, but then, he let her win. He hopped - no, I mean, literally hopped - up from the sofa and slouched his way to the kitchen, presumably to find the chocolate.

‘‘You know, I wish you’d let the guy eat what he wants. I mean, it’s not exactly hurting you, is it?’’ Lauri pointed out as Kuu set the crisp packet back on the table.

‘‘Lauri, the guy’s eating his way through all my epic potato chips! I’m almost fresh out!’’ Kuu exclaimed, waving her arms around dramatically.

‘‘Yeah, it’s not like the chocolate’s important or anything.’’ Omen cawed sarcastically.

‘‘Not as much!’’ Kuu told her Soul Carrier.

‘‘Oh, so chocolate can’t be epic?’’ Omen argued.

‘‘C’mon, let’s be honest, did that epic Death Note scene show Light eating an epic piece of epic chocolate epically? No, it showed him eating an epic packet of epic potato chips epically! Hence the reason why I want my epic potato chips so I can eat them epically!’’

‘‘So everything you see on youtube is absolute gospel, huh?’’ Lauri said, looking at Kuu as if she’d lost a few screws, which may have been the case.

‘‘No. Just Death Note.’’ Kuu explained. ‘‘Because in case you didn’t notice, anything from Death Note is epic.’’

‘‘So, anything from Death Note is epic, hmm?’’ L asked no one in particular as he re-entered the room, holding his bar of Galaxy.

‘‘Yup.’’ Kuu confirmed.

‘‘I see. Relax, Lauri, I’ll fix this.’’ L said, reclaiming his spot on the sofa beside Lauri.

He set the bar of chocolate down on the table in front of him and paused, looking around at Kuu and Lauri, then back to his bar of chocolate. Suddenly, his eyes widened, making him look like some sort of scary panda, and he reached out a hand towards his piece of candy.

‘‘I’ll take a bar of chocolate…’’ He began dramatically, picking up the chocolate bar between his index finger and thumb. ‘‘…And eat it!’’ He exclaimed, taking a huge chunk out of the chocolate.

There was a long and silent pause in the room as L’s expression slowly went from demented back to his normal emotionless face as he chewed his chocolate.
After a few minutes, L finally swallowed. ‘‘Happy? Now the chocolate is also epic and should be consumed wisely.’’ He announced to his little audience and continued munching on his chocolate bar.

That was it, Kuu couldn’t hold back any longer, she burst out laughing while Omen face-palmed again and Lauri joined in with Kuu.

‘‘Sometimes I wonder whether I’m the only sane one in this murder.’’ Omen sighed. ‘‘L had brought me new hope, but now that comforting thought has just been shattered before my eyes.’’

‘‘Someone please translate for me?’’ L asked, looking from Lauri to Kuu and back again. ‘‘I heard my name, but that was all I understood.’’

Kuu took a deep breath and stopped herself from laughing just long enough to reply. ‘‘You know, Omen’s just feeling depressed because he just realized he’s the only weirdo here that’s not laughing.’’

L frowned. ‘‘Laughing? Why would he be laughing?’’ He shot a sideway glance towards Lauri, who was practically rolling on the floor still. ‘‘What’s funny?’’

Kuu shook her head. ‘‘Never mind. Now-’’ She snatched the bar of chocolate which had become half a bar of chocolate by now out of L’s grasp. ‘‘Go fetch the potato chips, no one is allowed near the chocolate, it’s way to epic to waste.’’

L’s thumb and index finger continued to hold an imaginary chocolate bar as he stared, his expression disbelieving, at Kuu. He sighed, hopping off of the sofa for the second time.
‘‘You know what? Forget it, I’m not hungry.’’ He said as he left the room, both hands stuffed in his trouser pockets.