Dear Whoever.
I'm here and still breathing.
Dear whoever,
I write this with purpose. I write this with the hopes of getting my words across. I’ll write, what I can to get you to see, I’m here and still breathing. This, to you, is nothing but a mere letter with thoughts flowing upon it. To me, dear whoever, this is my life on a page.
Have you ever stopped to think? Just stood there, and thought. About everything and anything. About whatever your mind crosses.
What about yourself? Have you ever thought about yourself? About where you will be in approximately 10 years from this very moment? About why you can’t seem to do anything. Nothing right at least. About why your mind crosses such thoughts, that’ll leave others in grief, possibly those that care for you?
Have you? Have you thought about this? Perhaps not. Perhaps it’s because you know where you’re going with your life. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you just know whatever happens will happen.
You see, dear whoever, that’s not my case.
It never was, and possibly will never be. I’m sitting here, on a Saturday typing this, because I know nothing. I know nothing about myself, nothing about the people around me, and nothing about you.
What strikes your mind right now? You’re probably thinking, everyone knows who they are.
Do you really believe that? Do you really believe everyone knows who they are?
Because I don’t. I don’t believe a word of it. If that were the case, we wouldn’t be where we’re at today. I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. And that’s nowhere.
Have you ever realized how much you’ve lied? Have you realized the reasons you’ve lied for are simply pathetic? I have. I realize it everyday. All the lies I’ve ever told, no matter how stupid the reason maybe, no matter for what specific idiot they were for, are creating a hole in me. And it gets bigger and bigger. I’m losing myself. I’m falling in the hole’s depths. I don’t know who I am anymore. That girl I see in the mirror every morning, she looks so familiar. Yet I can’t figure out who she is.
Where is the smile that was plastered on her face once?
Why is all that make up hiding her worn out eyes?
Why does she appear to be in constant pain?
Whoever this girl is, I’m glad it’s not me.
Dear whoever, does the guilt of hiding everything worry you? Does your conscience constantly remind you of everything you’re burying in that tiny stomach of yours? Don’t you wish you weren’t a secret anymore?
Are you afraid? Are you afraid of the outcome? Are you scared you won’t make it? Are you afraid of telling the truth? I am.
I hide the scars behind long sleeves, out of fear of letting anyone know.
I hide the red, tired, swollen eyes behind layers and layers of makeup.
I hide the fear behind the hair that falls forth.
I hide the hate behind the smiles and laughter.
I hide the pain of hunger behind a small green apple.
I hide myself. From everyone.
Do you wish?
Do you wish for things you know you can’t have? Do you wish for things you know you can have, but can’t have? Did that confuse you? It confused me too.
I wish. I wish all the time. I wish for everything. I wish for the impossible. I wish for the better. But I can’t have it. I can’t have any of it.
I’m lost in a sea of wishes. An unknown sea. Some of these wishes, they don’t even belong to me. Or maybe they do belong to me, the one I no more know.
I try, you know. I try so hard. I try to make it all better. I try to forget. I try to smile for real. I try to please them. I try to please everyone. I try to fix my problems. I try to care.
But I can’t. I won’t let myself. I can’t make it all better. I don’t try hard enough. I can’t forget. I can’t smile for real. I can’t please them. I can’t please anyone, not even myself. I can’t fix my problems. I can’t care, because I’m scared to.
Dear whoever, I can’t find my escape. I’m not sure if I want to. This music playing, ringing in my ears means nothing. Or does it? I can’t decide.
My mind is going in two directions, and I can’t decide which one to choose. Will this ever end? Did you even read this?
If you’ve stayed long enough to reach this point, let me tell you, it didn’t make a difference. I’m still confused. I’m still struggling. But now you know. You know me like no one else does.
But that doesn’t mean you know the real me. Maybe this wasn’t even me. Maybe I lied about everything. I guess you’ll have to figure this one out. On your own.
Sincerely,
Me.
I write this with purpose. I write this with the hopes of getting my words across. I’ll write, what I can to get you to see, I’m here and still breathing. This, to you, is nothing but a mere letter with thoughts flowing upon it. To me, dear whoever, this is my life on a page.
Have you ever stopped to think? Just stood there, and thought. About everything and anything. About whatever your mind crosses.
What about yourself? Have you ever thought about yourself? About where you will be in approximately 10 years from this very moment? About why you can’t seem to do anything. Nothing right at least. About why your mind crosses such thoughts, that’ll leave others in grief, possibly those that care for you?
Have you? Have you thought about this? Perhaps not. Perhaps it’s because you know where you’re going with your life. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you just know whatever happens will happen.
You see, dear whoever, that’s not my case.
It never was, and possibly will never be. I’m sitting here, on a Saturday typing this, because I know nothing. I know nothing about myself, nothing about the people around me, and nothing about you.
What strikes your mind right now? You’re probably thinking, everyone knows who they are.
Do you really believe that? Do you really believe everyone knows who they are?
Because I don’t. I don’t believe a word of it. If that were the case, we wouldn’t be where we’re at today. I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. And that’s nowhere.
Have you ever realized how much you’ve lied? Have you realized the reasons you’ve lied for are simply pathetic? I have. I realize it everyday. All the lies I’ve ever told, no matter how stupid the reason maybe, no matter for what specific idiot they were for, are creating a hole in me. And it gets bigger and bigger. I’m losing myself. I’m falling in the hole’s depths. I don’t know who I am anymore. That girl I see in the mirror every morning, she looks so familiar. Yet I can’t figure out who she is.
Where is the smile that was plastered on her face once?
Why is all that make up hiding her worn out eyes?
Why does she appear to be in constant pain?
Whoever this girl is, I’m glad it’s not me.
Dear whoever, does the guilt of hiding everything worry you? Does your conscience constantly remind you of everything you’re burying in that tiny stomach of yours? Don’t you wish you weren’t a secret anymore?
Are you afraid? Are you afraid of the outcome? Are you scared you won’t make it? Are you afraid of telling the truth? I am.
I hide the scars behind long sleeves, out of fear of letting anyone know.
I hide the red, tired, swollen eyes behind layers and layers of makeup.
I hide the fear behind the hair that falls forth.
I hide the hate behind the smiles and laughter.
I hide the pain of hunger behind a small green apple.
I hide myself. From everyone.
Do you wish?
Do you wish for things you know you can’t have? Do you wish for things you know you can have, but can’t have? Did that confuse you? It confused me too.
I wish. I wish all the time. I wish for everything. I wish for the impossible. I wish for the better. But I can’t have it. I can’t have any of it.
I’m lost in a sea of wishes. An unknown sea. Some of these wishes, they don’t even belong to me. Or maybe they do belong to me, the one I no more know.
I try, you know. I try so hard. I try to make it all better. I try to forget. I try to smile for real. I try to please them. I try to please everyone. I try to fix my problems. I try to care.
But I can’t. I won’t let myself. I can’t make it all better. I don’t try hard enough. I can’t forget. I can’t smile for real. I can’t please them. I can’t please anyone, not even myself. I can’t fix my problems. I can’t care, because I’m scared to.
Dear whoever, I can’t find my escape. I’m not sure if I want to. This music playing, ringing in my ears means nothing. Or does it? I can’t decide.
My mind is going in two directions, and I can’t decide which one to choose. Will this ever end? Did you even read this?
If you’ve stayed long enough to reach this point, let me tell you, it didn’t make a difference. I’m still confused. I’m still struggling. But now you know. You know me like no one else does.
But that doesn’t mean you know the real me. Maybe this wasn’t even me. Maybe I lied about everything. I guess you’ll have to figure this one out. On your own.
Sincerely,
Me.