New Slate?
Reach for the stars.
Gerard pov
You’re not in this alone
Let me break this awkward silence
Let me go
Go on; let me be the first to say
I’m sorry
Hear me out.
The tension at first had been utterly unbearable. I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to do this, no matter how much I wanted to. I wasn’t going to be able to speak, and I wasn’t going to be able to explain myself. I wasn’t going to be able to tell him what had been going through my mind, day in, day out.
As time went on, the tension eased a little. We even managed to make a few jokes. I learned about how he had been spending his days. It was horrific.
See, it gets to a point where nobody even wants to talk to you. You don’t even want to talk to other people, because you know they don’t want you there. You mustn’t even open your mouth, because every word that comes out is going to be depressing and wrong.
It gets to a point where you don’t want to try any more. You don’t have a reason to believe, and you’ve even given up searching for one. If you did have one once, it must be gone.
It gets to a point where you feel like your whole existence is a failure. You feel like an absolute waste of space. A good for nothing, lying, lazy failure.
Then you meet that one person. The person who looks at you- and gets it. Some say the eyes are the gateway to the soul; and I think that’s true. One person can take a moment of your time, and instantly become everything to you. The two of you might only get one moment in all eternity, but it is the purest moment of your life. It means more to you than a thousand years of anything else ever could.
Bert chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully, before shifting around in his seat. Bert and I sat together on the sofa. We were close physically but it had been feeling like we were miles apart in every other way possible.
I wanted to get rid of that space between us. I wanted to shift up to him, put my arms around him and breathe in his stagnant, comforting scent of smoke and vodka and sweat.
I wanted to be able to do that and get rid of all the other space in between, too. I wanted to be as close as we once had been.
I wanted him to know he was the only one. The only one I couldn’t bear to not be around. I wanted him to know he was my number one. I wanted to be his number one. He was my everything, and I was selfish enough to want to be his number one as well.
I didn’t know what he wanted from me any more. He told me that he loved me when he left me.
I knew that we couldn’t just easily kiss and make up. I knew things were never that easy. I knew that maybe we were not supposed to be together.
“Gerard?”
“Yes?”
“Do you ever wonder… about us?”
I left it a few seconds before I replied.
“Every day,” I whispered. Then closed my eyes so I didn’t have to take it all in. I wanted him to tell me he loved me.
He didn’t. I felt finger slide over my hand. Bert’s fingers. He rested his hand on mine and I suddenly gripped onto it. I shouldn’t have grabbed it like that... it was too rushed. But I was desperate. I was starving for him. I had been for months.
When I dared open my eyes, his face was directly in front of mine.
“I just want you to know,” he whispered, “that you’re perfect.
“And I have missed you even more than I have missed myself.”
I stared at him. There he was again, understanding me. I missed knowing who I was, but few people really know themselves and I could stand that. Maybe I had never really known who I was. I was always scared to be that. I was terrified of not fitting in and not being liked. When he was around, none of that junk mattered. When he went away, it mattered more than ever. It started to eat away at me, until I turned into a quivering mess who couldn’t go a day without popping medication.
“I miss you right now,” He muttered, gazing into me. I stared at him for a moment. I didn’t know whether to trust my instincts or not. Goddamn, Gerard! I got annoyed with myself. I was such a coward.
I was always weak, and Bert was always strong. Maybe it was my turn. I leant forward, pressing our lips together.
***
“God, the stars look beautiful tonight,” sighed Zowie. Mikey chuckled and smiled, poking her shoulder. She poked her tongue out and let her head rest on his chest.
“I agree, actually,” Frank spoke quietly. Everyone smiled when they heard his voice. “I think it looks like…”
“What?” Asked Ray, lifting his head, his ‘fro following about three seconds later.
“Nothing,” grinned Frank, embarrassedly letting his hair fall in front of his face.
“Go on, man,” Smiled Bert.
“I think it looks like they made it.”
“Who?” Asked Jeph, quizzically.
Frank looked at his feet for a few seconds. Grace wondered if he was going to reply, while Quinn played with a piece of her hair. Just a metre away, Bert and Gerard sat in a similar pose. Bert leant against the wall, breathing the cool night air while Gerard leant against him peacefully.
“Who made it, Frank?” Questioned Ray and Jeph in unison.
“Everyone,” Frank breathed, before grinning at his friends.
And so the nine teenagers sat under the night sky, freer than birds. Together forever, and no longer held down by pressure, grief or addictions.
***
I awoke from the dream with a start.
“What the…?”
Looking around, I could see a few of the people from my dream. Bert and Grace had both not wanted to go home tonight, so they stayed at my house. Quinn stayed too with Grace, and Mikey had come in to join the party- he invited Zowie over, too.
I rolled out of my bed and crept over to the window. I looked down at the five sleeping faces. Each one of them was troubled, but they looked peaceful sleeping.
I turned my face to the window, and my attention to my dream. Everyone made it, huh? I smiled at the idea. The night sky looked cloudy, save for the moon illuminating my room
It was only a dream. It wasn’t real. That wasn’t our lives.
But, maybe…
Maybe all we can do in life is dream. All we can do is try to push back the darkened clouds and see the stars. Look up at dream on the stars, reach for them and laugh if you fall down and can’t reach. If you can reach, be grateful. Keep looking at the stars. Keep dreaming. Keep going. Keep living.
The one thing you know you’ll never forget is each other. The people who make the moments great, and make life possible. The moments that make you feel good to be alive. The moments when you know you are free.
Live for that moment. That moment is all that matters.
We don’t need a clean, new slate. We have our dirty broken one. It’s messed up, and that’s okay.
The End.
You’re not in this alone
Let me break this awkward silence
Let me go
Go on; let me be the first to say
I’m sorry
Hear me out.
The tension at first had been utterly unbearable. I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to do this, no matter how much I wanted to. I wasn’t going to be able to speak, and I wasn’t going to be able to explain myself. I wasn’t going to be able to tell him what had been going through my mind, day in, day out.
As time went on, the tension eased a little. We even managed to make a few jokes. I learned about how he had been spending his days. It was horrific.
See, it gets to a point where nobody even wants to talk to you. You don’t even want to talk to other people, because you know they don’t want you there. You mustn’t even open your mouth, because every word that comes out is going to be depressing and wrong.
It gets to a point where you don’t want to try any more. You don’t have a reason to believe, and you’ve even given up searching for one. If you did have one once, it must be gone.
It gets to a point where you feel like your whole existence is a failure. You feel like an absolute waste of space. A good for nothing, lying, lazy failure.
Then you meet that one person. The person who looks at you- and gets it. Some say the eyes are the gateway to the soul; and I think that’s true. One person can take a moment of your time, and instantly become everything to you. The two of you might only get one moment in all eternity, but it is the purest moment of your life. It means more to you than a thousand years of anything else ever could.
Bert chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully, before shifting around in his seat. Bert and I sat together on the sofa. We were close physically but it had been feeling like we were miles apart in every other way possible.
I wanted to get rid of that space between us. I wanted to shift up to him, put my arms around him and breathe in his stagnant, comforting scent of smoke and vodka and sweat.
I wanted to be able to do that and get rid of all the other space in between, too. I wanted to be as close as we once had been.
I wanted him to know he was the only one. The only one I couldn’t bear to not be around. I wanted him to know he was my number one. I wanted to be his number one. He was my everything, and I was selfish enough to want to be his number one as well.
I didn’t know what he wanted from me any more. He told me that he loved me when he left me.
I knew that we couldn’t just easily kiss and make up. I knew things were never that easy. I knew that maybe we were not supposed to be together.
“Gerard?”
“Yes?”
“Do you ever wonder… about us?”
I left it a few seconds before I replied.
“Every day,” I whispered. Then closed my eyes so I didn’t have to take it all in. I wanted him to tell me he loved me.
He didn’t. I felt finger slide over my hand. Bert’s fingers. He rested his hand on mine and I suddenly gripped onto it. I shouldn’t have grabbed it like that... it was too rushed. But I was desperate. I was starving for him. I had been for months.
When I dared open my eyes, his face was directly in front of mine.
“I just want you to know,” he whispered, “that you’re perfect.
“And I have missed you even more than I have missed myself.”
I stared at him. There he was again, understanding me. I missed knowing who I was, but few people really know themselves and I could stand that. Maybe I had never really known who I was. I was always scared to be that. I was terrified of not fitting in and not being liked. When he was around, none of that junk mattered. When he went away, it mattered more than ever. It started to eat away at me, until I turned into a quivering mess who couldn’t go a day without popping medication.
“I miss you right now,” He muttered, gazing into me. I stared at him for a moment. I didn’t know whether to trust my instincts or not. Goddamn, Gerard! I got annoyed with myself. I was such a coward.
I was always weak, and Bert was always strong. Maybe it was my turn. I leant forward, pressing our lips together.
***
“God, the stars look beautiful tonight,” sighed Zowie. Mikey chuckled and smiled, poking her shoulder. She poked her tongue out and let her head rest on his chest.
“I agree, actually,” Frank spoke quietly. Everyone smiled when they heard his voice. “I think it looks like…”
“What?” Asked Ray, lifting his head, his ‘fro following about three seconds later.
“Nothing,” grinned Frank, embarrassedly letting his hair fall in front of his face.
“Go on, man,” Smiled Bert.
“I think it looks like they made it.”
“Who?” Asked Jeph, quizzically.
Frank looked at his feet for a few seconds. Grace wondered if he was going to reply, while Quinn played with a piece of her hair. Just a metre away, Bert and Gerard sat in a similar pose. Bert leant against the wall, breathing the cool night air while Gerard leant against him peacefully.
“Who made it, Frank?” Questioned Ray and Jeph in unison.
“Everyone,” Frank breathed, before grinning at his friends.
And so the nine teenagers sat under the night sky, freer than birds. Together forever, and no longer held down by pressure, grief or addictions.
***
I awoke from the dream with a start.
“What the…?”
Looking around, I could see a few of the people from my dream. Bert and Grace had both not wanted to go home tonight, so they stayed at my house. Quinn stayed too with Grace, and Mikey had come in to join the party- he invited Zowie over, too.
I rolled out of my bed and crept over to the window. I looked down at the five sleeping faces. Each one of them was troubled, but they looked peaceful sleeping.
I turned my face to the window, and my attention to my dream. Everyone made it, huh? I smiled at the idea. The night sky looked cloudy, save for the moon illuminating my room
It was only a dream. It wasn’t real. That wasn’t our lives.
But, maybe…
Maybe all we can do in life is dream. All we can do is try to push back the darkened clouds and see the stars. Look up at dream on the stars, reach for them and laugh if you fall down and can’t reach. If you can reach, be grateful. Keep looking at the stars. Keep dreaming. Keep going. Keep living.
The one thing you know you’ll never forget is each other. The people who make the moments great, and make life possible. The moments that make you feel good to be alive. The moments when you know you are free.
Live for that moment. That moment is all that matters.
We don’t need a clean, new slate. We have our dirty broken one. It’s messed up, and that’s okay.
The End.