Going Alone

I woke up with an overwhelming need to pee. Quickly, I jumped out of bed and ran into my bathroom before I peed all over myself and the carpet I was running on. After I finished my business and washed my hands with the new soap I got from Bath and Body Works, I walked back into my room quietly. I glanced at the clock when I entered my room. 4:32am.

As I pulled the covers back and was about to slide into bed, I glanced up at Jack. Scared to find him awake and looking at me, I let out a startled squeal and fell back into the wall. He quickly rushed over to my side of the bed and held out a concerned hand for me to grab. With the hand that wasn’t clutching my racing heart, I grabbed onto his and slid into bed.

“What scared you?” He asked softly.

“You.” I laughed, my breathing still ragged.

He laughed with me and hugged me into his now naked chest. Obviously, sometime between when I fell asleep and right now, he shed his shirt and jeans, leaving me slightly freaked out. I wrapped the blanket tighter around me, since the chilly 54 degree air was seeping into my exposed skin.

“Why’d you run out like that?”

“I had to pee.”

“Oh, right.”

Jack smiled down at me and rested his head on my shoulder. I stared up at the ceiling, knowing that this was totally crossing every boundary that was ever set for me. I flinched when Jack lightly kissed my collarbone,

“Jack.” I warned quietly.

“I know.” He groaned in response, still hovering over my collarbone.

“Don’t you think Alex is wondering where you are?”

His hands roamed down my arms, “Nope.”

“Not even a little bit?”

Jack’s hands jumped to my waist and massaged gently, “No. He’s sleeping right now.”

I rolled my eyes, “What about before he went to sleep?”

His fingers roamed down to my stomach and drummed gently, “No.”

I jumped back in response. Only three people in the whole world have touched the skin covering my unborn baby, me, my doctor back in New York, and my current doctor. Jack’s touch felt foreign, or maybe it was just the location of the contact. How sad is that; I’m pregnant and only three people, well now four, have touched my baby? I bit my lip and looked as high as I could.

“Mae?”

I looked down at Jack, but still bit my lip. For the second time this morning, he looked concerned and reached out to me. I stayed where I was, still wallowing in self-pity about how so few people have touched my stomach. He scooted closer to me,

“What’s wrong?”

I closed my eyes tightly, “Nothing.”

My eyes were still watering, despite the effort to try and stop them. I was so frustrated with myself and my lack of self-control. I never cried in front of Jack, at least not about anything important. More tears sprang to my eyes as I lost the battle with my self-control and I opened my eyes. Jack’s face softened.

“Tell me.” He rubbed my arm soothingly.

I fell into a heap of sobs and I curled up into a tight ball and balled my fists. Jack positioned himself so he was resting on the headboard and lifted me up with him. I hugged his naked chest into mine as I cried into the crook of his neck. I was upset that I couldn’t control my emotions. I was upset that Alex being a dick. I was upset that my life was severely fucked-up. Jack rubbed my back with one hand while the other brought the blanket up around us.

“It’s okay.”

I let out a loud sob, which really hurt my chest, and hugged him tighter. There was a mixture of tears and spit on his shoulder and I was sure he didn’t want it there. I cried because I was making a mess over Jack’s shoulder.

“Come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

I hiccupped loudly, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” He asked into my ear.

I opened my mouth to speak but another sob mixed with a hint of hiccup escaped. I closed it and nuzzled my head deeper into Jack’s shoulder. Jack shushed me and kissed my side of my head soothingly. He was too good for me. I cried because Jack was too nice.

“I’m-” I hiccupped, “Sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” He asked again.

“Sorry for-” I paused to hiccup, “Crying.”

He laughed quietly. I pulled away from him slightly and wiped away my saliva and tears off of this shoulder with the edge of my blanket. I also wiped my nose with the said end, but that doesn’t really matter.

“You could barf over my shoulder and I wouldn’t care, Mae.” He said, gently pressing my head back into his shoulder.

I let out a shaky breath and felt goosebumps form across his shoulder. I wiped at my eyes and let out another strangled sob. Jack shouldn’t be here right now, comforting me. Jack shouldn’t be worring about me constantly. Jack should be out, shitface drunk at some party. He should be humping the daylights out of some incredibly hot chick. Alex should be here right now. Alex should be comforting me in my time of need. Alex should be worrying about me and fretting over me. I cried because I wish I was carrying Jack’s baby. I cried because I wished to date the wrong rockstar.