Going Alone

“Gabriel?” I asked, searching my brain for anyone named Gabriel.

“That’s his name.” Alex rolled his eyes and ate more peanut butter.

“Whose that?” I asked softly.

“My brother.”

His voice was hard and distant. He wasn’t exactly day-dreaming, but he looked like it. For all I know, he could be plotting world domination within his seemingly vacant mind. I tilted my head to the right side, since I was leaning on my left, and went back to everything I read about him.

“I never knew you had a brother.”

“I did. That’s why I said would.” His voice was starting to make me feel scared.

“He… died?” It finally clicked.

“Yes, Mae. Do I have to spell it out for you?”

“Sorry, Alex.” I rolled my eyes, “I don’t know your full background.”

He sat there, mashing his fingers in the jar of half-eaten peanut butter. Died? Alex had a brother that died?

“Lullabies.” I whispered to myself.

“What?” Alex asked, his voice still hard.

“Lullabies.” I spoke up.

“What about them?”

“You wrote it about your brother…”

“Yeah.” He rolled over so his back was facing me.

The lyrics flashed within my mind. And it's not right… Dead, like a candle you burned out… I miss you. I'm so sorry… You brought this family a world of pain. It was awkward, talking about this. Death in general is awkward to me. I bit my lip.

“Did he… kill himself?”

Alex visibly stiffened. I knew I stuck a chord with him, it was just a matter of time before he snapped. I sucked my lips in and waited patiently for his answer. He let out a slow and shaky breath, moving his hand up to his face. Presumably, to wipe his eyes.

“Yes.”

His voice softened and went back to the delicate, fragile state. I forced him back to me, taking the peanut butter he was clutching for dear life away from him. His eyes were brimming with tears and a few of them spilled sideways down his face. I sighed and pulled him into me.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know you’re probably sick of hearing it, but I really am sorry. I don’t know what it would feel like to loose a brother, so I’m not going to say ‘I know how you feel.’ You probably don’t want sympathy, or pity for that matter, so I’m not going to give it to you. You’re probably sick of it. We don’t have to talk about it unless you want to, okay?”

He nodded into my shoulder and let out a shaky, hot breath. I felt tears drop onto my bare shoulder and pulled him away from me. He opened his eyes are bored into mine, immediately wiping his eyes and sniffled. He looked scared, which frankly, was pretty cute. I wiped the new tears forming in his eyes and kissed his cheek.

“You can cry if you want.” I told him, pulling him into me once again.

“I just don’t understand it.” He whimpered.

“Understand what?” I soothed the hair on the back of his head.

“I don’t understand why he did it.” I felt a new wave of hot tears on my shoulder.

I sighed, not knowing how to put it, “There’s just some things in life that’s a mystery. I don’t understand a lot of things in my life, either. All we can do it just keep going, you know?”

“I don’t want it to be a mystery!” He wailed childishly.

“Alex.” I sighed again, “This is the way it has to be. Maybe you’re not supposed to know. Maybe God, or whatever controls out destiny, planned it like this.”

He stayed quiet, his body was being racked with silent sobs. I rubbed his back soothingly, trying to figure out a way to stop his crying. Kissing the side of his head, I hugged him tighter.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I was a junior.” He started out, sucking in a deep breath, “Gabe was just starting high school. He didn’t exactly fit in, but we all thought he would eventually. I came home after the homecoming game and there were cops and ambulances all around my house. Their lights blinded me. I tried to run into my house but someone stopped me, they said that there was an accident and I couldn’t go in.”

He stopped to let out a painful sob and a few more tears.

“My parents were sitting on the porch, crying. That’s when I knew something happened to Gabe. I saw them carry him out on a stretcher. There was a white sheet covering him, and I didn’t know what to do. I loved him, Mae. We were supposed to go pick out pumpkins the next day, but he went and killed himself!”

He let out another loud sob and hugged me tighter. I shushed him and rubbed his back in a circular direction.

“Do you know how he... Did it?”

“He took too many pills.” He replied bitterly, “I hurt myself skateboarding and they gave me some Vicodin. He took all of them, all 50 of them, then downed a pint of vodka.”

“I’m sorry.” I replied out of instinct.

“What was worse than knowing he killed himself was that I was still hurting from my accident and I had no medicine to make me feel better.”

“Alex, that really sucks. Maybe he was just so far over his head that he thought he could never get out. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

He nodded and let out another shaky sob.

“Your Mom’s a bitch for bringing it up.” I said bitterly.