Going Alone

“Where are you going?” Jack turned away from Alex and grabbed my arm.

I looked at my watch. 8:42PM. I looked back up and Jack and gave him a small smile.

“I was going to go see Marshall then go home. I haven’t seen him today.”

“But it’s like 9 o’clock… Visiting hours are over.”

“The NICU has different hours. Plus, Marshall’s waking up now.” I slipped my arm out of Jack’s grip.

“Can I come?” Alex asked, stepping into the conversation.

I sighed and looked at him. He was completely and utterly bored. His hair was matted down, but sticking up by his ears from when he rested his head on his hand during the cake cutting. I glanced back at Jack, who nodded encouragingly.

“But the party is for him, he can’t just leave!”

“Mae, my family is so fucking boring I don’t think they would notice. And even if they did, it’s almost time for them to leave anyways.”

“Fine.” I droned and grabbed my jacket from the closet and slipped on my shoes.

---------------------

“Good evening Mae.” The nurse, Cathy, greeted me as soon as I walked into the NICU.

“Hi Cathy.” I smiled, walking back to Marshall.

Alex followed behind me apprehensively. I peered over his crib that he graduated to a few days ago and rubbed his belly. His eyes popped open and he squealed when he saw me. I pressed my finger to my lips to try and shush him, but he kept on squealing.

“Can I hold him?” I turned to look at Cathy.

“Do you need me to show you again?” She asked, washing out some bottles.

“No, I think I got it.” I smiled as I leaned down and scooped him up.

Once he was in my arms he immediately stopped his squealing and smiled. I rocked him side to side slowly and drummed my fingers on top of his stomach while making funny faces at him. Alex cleared his throat from beside me and I stopped and looked up at him.

“Can I hold him?” He awkwardly asked.

“Yeah, but you should sit down first.” I nodded and walked over to chair close to Marshall’s crib.

After Alex sat down I gingerly placed Marshall in his arms, but stood close incase Alex decided to drop Marshall or something. To be honest, they both looked awkward and uncomfortable. Marshall didn’t know who this strange man was that was holding him, while Alex didn’t know if he was holding Marshall right. Alex looked up to me and made some unintelligible sound.

“You’re holding him right.” I encouraged, “He just doesn’t know your face.”

“He can see me?”

“Uh, yes Alex. He has eyes.”

He looked at me, clearly annoyed, “I know that. But I thought babies had bad eyesight.”

“Well, they do. Kind of. They can only see up to like 14 inches away.”

“So he can see my face?” He smiled.

“Yes Alex.” I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly.

Marshall squirmed in Alex’s arms and let out a wail. Alex looked down at Marshall quickly and made some sort of attempt to rock Marshall. Marshall wasn’t having any of it and wailed louder, trying to get away from Alex. I intervened and swept Marshall away from Alex and calmed him down.

“Why did he do that?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “Maybe he just doesn’t like being around strangers or something.”

“But I’m not a stranger, I’m his dad.”

“He doesn’t know that, Alex.” I informed him, “All he knows is that I’m some sort of constant in his life.”

“How do I change that?” He looked up at me.

“Alex, just because you’re a dad now doesn’t mean every law of relationships have changed. He’ll start to know you by hanging out with you. He’s just like a regular person, except he can’t really do much.”

“Okay.” He nodded, taking in the information.

-------------------

“Visiting hours are almost over.” Cathy informed us.

“Okay, thank you.” I nodded at her and set Marshall down in his crib.

Immediately, he started crying at the top of his lungs. I sighed, my shoulders sagging and rubbed the top of his head. Alex stood there awkwardly, obviously not knowing what to do around a crying baby. I swaddled Marshall tightly, hoping that would stop his crying. I pulled myself away from Marshall and back away slowly.

“Why are you doing that?” Alex asked, standing by his crib.

“Because once I’m out if his sight, he thinks I don’t exist anymore.” I pulled on his hand.

“No way!” He exclaimed, “That’s so weird!”

“Yeah, well, it’s quite annoying.” I rolled my eyes and ducked away from Marshall.