Going Alone

“Hey, Mae?”

I turned to Alex and smiled at him encouragingly.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I think you already asked me two.” I joked.

He sighed and looked out the window at downtown Baltimore. It was dark out, almost as dark as it was going to get tonight. The neon lights contrasted with the dark sky beautifully. I touched his hand that was resting on the center console of my car, his head snapped towards me.

“What were you going to ask?”

“Well, I was wondering what it feels like every time you leave him…”

“Him who? Marshall?”

He nodded, turning back to the window.

“It sucks.” I told him bluntly, “He’s my kid, and I should have left with him three weeks ago. It’s like getting some cool, totally awesome gift for Christmas, but you have to wait until your Aunt Petunia gets there to unwrap it, and you don’t know when she’s coming. It just sucks.”

“Is it supposed to… hurt?”

“I guess it could. I hurt a little bit when he cries.”

“Okay.” He nodded, fogging up the window.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, turning right onto his street.

“Uh… yeah.” He finally answered, “I think so.”

I pulled into his driveway, which was cleared of all the extra cars and turned mine off. Alex looked at my quizzically, but took his seatbelt off and opened the door.

“Alex.” I grabbed his hand, “You’re supposed to be attached. He‘s your son.”

“I know.” He sighed, plopping back into the passenger seat, “That’s what scares me.”

“He’s not going anywhere.” I laughed sadly, “I don’t know why you would be scared to be attached.”

“What if he doesn’t like me?” He confessed, “What if he thinks I’m a failure?”

“Well…” I thought, “I’m sure he’ll think you’re the shit, first off all. Second, he has to like you. It’s like unnatural to hate your parents.”

He ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. I tore my eyes away from him and to his front door, where Jack was standing in only his boxers. Silently, I shooed him away just in time for Alex to open his eyes.

“You’re just so much better at this! I can’t do anything right.”

“Alex, parenting isn’t something you learn in a day, okay? I’m sure your mom, or even every other mom is better than me right now. I’m only 18, I can’t do this alone.”

“How do you… learn how to become a parent?”

“No one can really teach you, Alex. You could read some books and stuff, but most of it is through trial and error. Maybe you should ask your mom next time you see her.”

“Okay, goodnight Mae.”

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“Mae Simms?”

“Speaking.” I cleared my throat, “How can I help you?”

“I got a memo from the NICU that says-”

“Oh my God!” I interrupted her, “Is it bad? Is he dying?”

She laughed at me, “No, everything’s okay. We’re calling because Marshall is free to go home.”

“No way!” I shrieked, nearly dropping the phone.

“Yes way!” She mocked a teenager, “When will we be expecting you?”

“Right now!” I hung up and rushed out the door.

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“Hey, Alex?” I said, stopping in front of his house, “Are you doing much?”

“Just band practice, why?”

“Marshall can go home.” I squealed, “Do you want to come?”

“Are you shitting me?” He exclaimed, “I’ll come pick you up.”

“I’m already outside.” I laughed, then hung up.

Seconds later, a very disheveled Alex ran out of the house, spotting my car immediately. He slipped his left arm through the American Apparel jacket he had in his hands and skidded over the hood of my car. Breathless, he jumped into my car.

“Whoa, calm down.” I rolled my eyes, “My car doesn’t like your ass on it.”

“Sorry. Let’s go!” He yelled, making indistinguishable hand signals towards the windshield.

I slowly let my foot off the break and made my way to the hospital.

“Do you have a car seat? What about a camera? Did you forget a change of clothes?” Alex rushed, going a mile a minute.

“Yes, Alex, I have a car seat and a camera. Although, I did forget a change of clothes.”

“Fuck, we have to go back.”

“Alex, it’s fine calm down.” I patted his shoulder awkwardly, “You’re not going into labor.”