Interviews From Hell

Tyranny: "So, your next album comes out next year. What can we expect?"

Travis: "Well--"

Tyranny taps Xenophobe on the back. "Xena, wake up. You're being rude."

Xenophobe: "I know. But the past few weeks have been sooo boring. Honestly. 'On tour in the UK', and all this, 'expect a more mature us' bullll. I can't stand it. How can you? Was I always this limited? Where's J.C.?"

Zygote: "That freak isn't coming back. Quit worrying."

Xenophobe: "I'm gonna kill you."

Tyranny: "I believe Travis was answering a question."

Travis: "No big deal."

Xenophobe: "I'm sorry, Travie. I have three bands to interview, and my expectations are shot. Any other time, I'd be thrilled to talk to you, and Fall Out Boy, and some nameless band that I'm sure would blend in with everything else, but without J.C.--"

The door slowly opens.

Zygote speaks into the mic. "Um, we'll be back in a jiffy!" he turns the switch.

Rob's voice booms. "ZEPHYR!" he storms in and slams the door behind him.

Zygote starts shaking and falls under the table.

Rob: "Zephyr, get over here, NOW!"

Zygote stands up.

Matt: "D-D-DAMN!"

Tyranny rolls her eyes. "Oh dear god. He's gone and wet himself."

Rob: "Zephyr, I think you know what you did."

Matt and Eric: "D-D-DAMN!"

Zygote shakes. "I don't know, B-B-Boss."

Rob: "You know! Where'd you put it?!"

Zygote: "I-DON'T-KNOW!"

Rob takes out his pistol. "You've got five seconds to give it here. One... two...three..."

Zygote pulls a Nintendo Game Boy Classic out of his pocket. "THERE! HAVE IT!"

Rob snatched it. "Sly, lyin' son of a--" He shot him five times in the face.

Matt, Eric and Disashi: "D-D-DAMN!"

Travis turns to his band mates. "Will you stop?!"

Tyranny throws up in the trash can. "Tell me that was Zy-bot."

Rob: "Sorry you ladies had to see that." he drags the body out with him.

Xenophobe sighs. " I thought, when the door opened, it would be J.C."

Travis: "Oh, Xena. I'd hug you if you weren't behind bulletproof glass. I'm sure old Jake will come back."

Tyranny: "I-I'm sorry. Did no one just see Zephyr get shot?"

The door slowly opens.

Xenophobe: "J.C.?!"

A pizza guy stands in the doorway. "Anyone order a pizza?"

Xenophobe growls.

Skellington pushes the greasy teenage pizza man out of the way. "That would be mine."

Xenophobe: "J.C.!" she shatters the bulletproof glass window with her fist to run to him and give him a hug. "Stay here forever and ever and ever."

Skellington: "Yes... GYM CLASS HEROES! Xena, let's explain to them the screenplay about how we'll kidnap Patrick Stump!"

Xenophobe sits on Travis's lap, and Skellington sits on Matt's lap. "One day, me and Skellington are walking in the park, and Patrick is reading the paper, and singing. Then Cupid's arrow hits J.C. in the bum and he falls in love with Tania. Then Tania's all doing his hair and playing around with him and all that fun stuff. Then they start fighting and she don't like his friends. They break up.

"Then he's in the park again and gets shot with Cupid's arrow again. There's this girl who works here, Katie Karnivore, she's a whorrrrre. He falls in love with her, but she's a skankkk. He finds her cheating on him. He smacks the other guy and they break up.

"Then he meets me eventually, then he dedicates a song to me, then we're at the park again, and then Cupid's about to shoot him, but then he sits with me on the bench, and secretly, I'm waiting for Patrick to come by, because we were promised a threesome. Then Cupid gets shot by girl Cupid and they dance together.

"Patrick comes along and where he sits, he's at the edge of the bench, and that's how it's planned, and I push a button and a cage falls on him, then Skellington and I take him back to my apartment. Back when I had it. I got kicked out because I couldn't pay for it."

Skellington sits with an open smile that takes up half of his face. "Like it?"

Travis shakes his head. "No... no."

Xenophobe: "Well, we're not telling you the real plan, you fool."

Tyranny: "I hope you know we've been on the air for five minutes now."

Xenophobe and Skellington share a worried look and start whispering to each other.

Xenophobe: "We gotta come up with a new plan!"

Skellington: "I know, I know!"

Xenophobe: "Will you be here all day?"

Skellington: "I'm trying!"

Matt: "Make sure Rob doesn't know!"

Xenophobe: "Dammit! Now he'll know!"

Skellington: "Where did all this blood come from?"

Xenophobe: "Don't be alarmed. Boss shot Zephyr."

Skellington: "Ooh,Shhhi--" he covers his mouth.

Matt, Eric and Disashi: "D-D-DAMN!"