Interviews From Hell

Xenophobe: "Hi. We're here withPanic-- My Chemical Romance. And may I say, they are too sexy to be real."

Gerard: "Aw, thanks."

Xenophobe: "Don't flatter yourself. You were sexier in '04."

Gerard frowns.

Xenophobe looks at Tyranny. "Do you have any questions written down? 'Cause I'm fresh out of questions."

Tyranny: "Really? How?"

Xenophobe: "I used them all on the Misfits."

Tyranny: "When was that? I heard no news about that."

Xenophobe: "A couple weeks ago. You know, it was almost New Years, and I just wanted to get out of there, get my drink on, not to take forever at work. Then Boss is all like, 'You do this interview right, and don't slag-off!' So I'm like, 'Okay, Boss.' I got around to it, and they didn't even have Danzig. Can you believe it?"

Tyranny: "Kind of... Oh. I have a question, guys. So. It's Bob, Frank, Ray, Mikey and Gerard. Right?"

Everybody nods.

Xenophobe: "So, how'd it all get started?"

Gerard: "Well--"

Xenophobe: "Wait. I already know. Have any of you ever done a guy?"

Frank and Mikey began to blush and scratch their heads. "Er, no. Um... no way."

Xenophobe: "Ohhh! Looks like someone's trying to hide things!"

Frank: "Fine! We were both really drunk, and there was a dare, and we hadn't seen any women for a long time--"

Mikey: "Let's never talk about it."

Tyranny: "What, were y'all in prison? I don't know where you've been to not see any women around."

Xenophobe: "Come on! We all have our days. I've gotten drunk numerous times, and you know--"

Tyranny: "So what kind of music did you guys... inspired you?"

Xenophobe pouts for Tyranny interrupting her conversation. "You can't even read. You bitch."

Tyranny: "I didn't write anything down."

Xenophobe: "That's because you can't read."

Ray: I listened to metal. Like, Megadeth, Slayer--"

Xenophobe: "I'd like to make sweet metal with you."

Ray raises his eyebrows. "I'm married."

Xenophobe whispers back. "Not tonight, you're not."

Frank: "Hey! I believe we were talking about something! So it was a dark rainy night. I was just hanging out at my dimly-lit home, reading a couple books all alone, when Mikey called me from his phone. I picked up hastily, knowing this was the one opportunity to talk to someone that night. I picked up, saying, 'hey, what's up? How's it going?' he responded, his voice deep and mysterious, 'Hello, Frank. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm at the bar right across the street. I was wondering if you wanted to join me.' I squealed, excited for an adventure. I slipped my pants on and put my leather jacket that I stole from Gerard on my back, wondering if he missed it yet. He left it on my kitchen counter earlier that week, and I'd been wearing it since--"

Mikey: "Frank. Stop."

Xenophobe: "Keep going."

Frank: "That's what she said!"

Xenophobe high-fives Frank, then turns to Gerard. "Hey, didn't you and Bert McCracken have it on? I saw a lot of kissing from you two. Have any slash stories to get out of your system?"

Gerard: "I'll just keep that our little mystery."

Xenophobe: "Secrets have it out for us all."

There is a short pause.

Bob: "...Moo?"

Xenophobe: "I love you."

Tyranny: "Keep telling the story, Frankenstein."

Frank: "I walked across the street, dodging a car or two that would never stop, but honked at me until I made it across the street. As I walked into the dimly-lit bar, almost dimmer than my apartment, I spotted Mikey sitting in the corner, closest to my left, next to the restrooms. I questioned why he would want to sit next to a bathroom in a bar, but I was soon to find out..."