Interviews From Hell

Skellington sits on Xenophobe's lap.

Xenophobe: "Get the fuck off my lap. Who the hell do you think you are?"

Skellington: "You love me, you know it."

Xenophobe: "Okay. Anyway, hi, Green Day."

Billie Joe, Mike and Tre wave in unison. "Hello."

Xenophobe: "Hi. How are you?"

Billie Joe: "Good. How are you?"

Xenophobe: "I's cool. A little awkward. J.C.'s kind of smelly right now, and he's sitting on my lap. It's kind of lame."

Billie Joe: "That's bad."

Xenophobe shrugs. "I've smelled worse."

Skellington: "I'm a witness."

Xenophobe: "So, Green Day. What do you think sets you apart from other mainstream bands today?"

Billie Joe: "Well, we've been on the scene for almost two decades. I mean--"

Xenophobe: "Sorry. Dumb question."

Billie Joe: "It's not a dumb question."

Xenophobe: "So, most of you are married, right? How does this affect your touring?"

Skellington looks skeptical.

Billie Joe: "It's one of those things--"

Skellington falls off of Xenophobe's lap, next to her, and mumbles, "why do you care?"

Xenophobe: "I'm on thin ice again, J.C. Rob talked to me yesterday, and he didn't even know what he wanted to tell me. He told me to come back to his office today. I'm trying not to get into any trouble. Plus, it's fucking Green Day. I'd be an asshole to mess this one up."

Skellington: "Did Rob tell you to ask about being married?"

Xenophobe: "I told myself to. Let me continue. Green Day, I hear you have a new record coming out. "

Billie Joe: "Where have you been? It's out."

Xenophobe: "I know. I have it. I'm just making conversation. Out of all the songs you have--"

Mike: "Next question."

Xenophobe: "It takes me a minute to come up with more questions."

Billie Joe: "You mean you don't write them down?"

Xenophobe: "We are a Z-list agency. No one pays us very much."

Billie Joe: "You know, if you work hard, you move up. Things get better when you work for it."

Skellington: "She's already screwing her boss. Can't get any higher than that."

Xenophobe: "Hush, J.C."

Billie Joe: "And I think your boss will love you a little more if you gave your place a good name."

Skellington: "Mr. Armstrong. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Tre whips out a Tootsie Pop and throws it at skellington's head. "How about you find out?"

Xenophobe: "Oh! I have a question. If you were trapped on a stranded island--"

Mike: "Next question."

Skellington: "Why does everyone hate me?"

Tre: "Because it's so easy."

Xenophobe: "Green Day, if you were trapped on a stranded--"

Mike: "Next question--"

Xenophobe: " PENINSULA, who would you ear?"

Billie Joe: "Did you just say, who would I 'ear'?"

Xenophobe: "I said eat."

Tre: "You said 'ear'."

Xenophobe: "Who would you eat?"

Skellington: "It's a trick question. You can't be trapped on a peninsula. You can just walk off of it."

Billie Joe: "You must think you're smart, Jake-Christian. We got it that whole time. You know what I think, guys?" he looks around at his band mates, "I think it's supper time for poor J.C." the band begins to crowd around Skellington.

Xenophobe panics. "Well, I'm gonna jet. Nice to meet you," she shakes their hands, "I'll see you--"

Mike: "And where are you going, Xena? Aren't you going to join us?"

Xenophobe scratches her head nervously. "Well, I've never been known to turn down a warm meal..."

Skellington starts to shriek as the four start to feast on his flesh...