Dear Frankie...
letter 15
Dear Frankie,
Inhale, exhale. This is the sneeze that never came out, the little twitch in your eye that one sees, the thought at the back of your mind that doesn’t let you sleep.
Exhale, Inhale. It’s gone.
Sleep during your history lesson, have double dessert, grin at strangers. Everything is good now. This is relief. Not the kind you get when you spit into your brother’s cereal after he’s been really mean to you and watch him munch it down, completely unaware. Not the kind you get when you finally remember that song’s name after you wrecked your head all week. Not even the kind you get from getting high between periods.
This is the kind you get when John Hambone tells me that he hasn’t heard from you in ages and frankly has no clue where to find you.
All the voices in my head, all the wondering, gone. This is the sound of relief, of silence. This is the little blue pill that makes you feel you are on top of the world.
You are somewhere, long gone and lost. But somewhere out there.
The world turns again, I work, I study, I don’t wonder.
I stop eating everyone’s lunch, biting my nails and craving for fags.
My mind is empty enough so I can stop and look at myself. That curly little bump, barely there but there. That fuel pushing me to leave this fucked up town is back.
I work longer hours this week, screw my fingers sewing and control the secret impulse to let them slip under the machine’s needle. I reckon it would sew right though.
And because you are completely unreal again I let myself wonder.
I wonder to entertain myself if you have gotten new tattoos, if you write songs, if you play every night, if you have had a near death experience, if you think about me.
I get A in math’s, watch Across the Universe with Hannah who complains bitterly about the music, fight with Giacopo.
I wonder if you like the Beatles, if you have brothers or sisters, if you had a mayor in college, if you’ve been in a fight.
And everything just shifts back to normal. I skip Friday’s party and sleep 12 hours in a row, I count my cash, I make Mickey mouse pancakes.
And then I remember. I remember Shawnie telling me she know me from before and all that stuff I just choose to forget and let go. The day I killed Tina and went back to being Ava for good.
I’ll tell you about it sometime or maybe I’ll just let you wonder for a little while.
Long lost,
Ava.
Inhale, exhale. This is the sneeze that never came out, the little twitch in your eye that one sees, the thought at the back of your mind that doesn’t let you sleep.
Exhale, Inhale. It’s gone.
Sleep during your history lesson, have double dessert, grin at strangers. Everything is good now. This is relief. Not the kind you get when you spit into your brother’s cereal after he’s been really mean to you and watch him munch it down, completely unaware. Not the kind you get when you finally remember that song’s name after you wrecked your head all week. Not even the kind you get from getting high between periods.
This is the kind you get when John Hambone tells me that he hasn’t heard from you in ages and frankly has no clue where to find you.
All the voices in my head, all the wondering, gone. This is the sound of relief, of silence. This is the little blue pill that makes you feel you are on top of the world.
You are somewhere, long gone and lost. But somewhere out there.
The world turns again, I work, I study, I don’t wonder.
I stop eating everyone’s lunch, biting my nails and craving for fags.
My mind is empty enough so I can stop and look at myself. That curly little bump, barely there but there. That fuel pushing me to leave this fucked up town is back.
I work longer hours this week, screw my fingers sewing and control the secret impulse to let them slip under the machine’s needle. I reckon it would sew right though.
And because you are completely unreal again I let myself wonder.
I wonder to entertain myself if you have gotten new tattoos, if you write songs, if you play every night, if you have had a near death experience, if you think about me.
I get A in math’s, watch Across the Universe with Hannah who complains bitterly about the music, fight with Giacopo.
I wonder if you like the Beatles, if you have brothers or sisters, if you had a mayor in college, if you’ve been in a fight.
And everything just shifts back to normal. I skip Friday’s party and sleep 12 hours in a row, I count my cash, I make Mickey mouse pancakes.
And then I remember. I remember Shawnie telling me she know me from before and all that stuff I just choose to forget and let go. The day I killed Tina and went back to being Ava for good.
I’ll tell you about it sometime or maybe I’ll just let you wonder for a little while.
Long lost,
Ava.