Dear Frankie...
Letter 21
Dear Frankie,
11 minutes. I stood in the snow for eleven minutes, tears and mucus slipping, hands freezing in the purple darkness of the street and heart beating in my throat.
I don’t how I did it. My legs shook, my head was numb and I could barely see.
No one came to say goodbye because no one was invited. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Then Shawnie’s headlights, Finn getting off to wipe my face with his sleeves before dragging me into the car and that was it.
I left home.
I still don’t know how I did it.
I kept waiting for a sign, I know I said I’d stop looking for signals but at 4:21 in the morning it was all I could cling to. Something that would give some sort of closure.
Something that like Jersey saying goodbye to me. It’s very strange how things in life turn out. Looking back at my house with the snow barely covering the yard and the roof should have been closure. Strange how it came from a piece of discarded paper.
The forgotten instructions on how to take a pregnancy test. Plus if knocked up, minus if not.
I think the equation should be the other way around. Minus if you are, plus if you are not. Minus home, minus college, minus high school, minus yourself.
I guess I forgot the instructions in the jacket. No one reads those anyways. You just check the box. It’ pretty obvious where to pee in the stick.
Shawnie tells me it is likely I am experiencing a little loss of control due to my hormones. To be honest with you, I’ve never felt so emotionally controlled in my life.
With complete control I kissed all my brothers and my parents goodnight, then I laid in bed with Hannah for a while, we read Alice and we sang All my loving.
Tomorrow I'll miss you, Remember I'll always be true.
It was all so awful because for some reason Hannah kept getting teary eyed and clinging to me. I guess she smelt it on me.
I’m such a coward, that’s why I’m so controlled. We cowards need to keep things close to the vest, so we learn to control ourselves.
I didn’t even tell my mom. I just wrote this fucking letter to her telling her all this bullshit about pursuing photography and asking her not to try to find me. That I would come back when I had found my way. That this was something I needed to do. Imagine having a kid who is capable of doing such wickedness.
Then I left a card for Hannah. I placed her in her Alice book which she has to open for her English lesson first thing tomorrow.
"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." Emily Dickinson.
I didn’t sign it, I don’t want my parents knowing I did that. I just don’t want her to think I forgot about her.
Then I went to bed.
Eleven minutes. I got eleven minutes to say goodbye to my old life. It took a little less than eleven minutes to wreck it in your backseat. Thank god I get a little more than 11 minutes to fix it.
All my loving,
Ava.
11 minutes. I stood in the snow for eleven minutes, tears and mucus slipping, hands freezing in the purple darkness of the street and heart beating in my throat.
I don’t how I did it. My legs shook, my head was numb and I could barely see.
No one came to say goodbye because no one was invited. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Then Shawnie’s headlights, Finn getting off to wipe my face with his sleeves before dragging me into the car and that was it.
I left home.
I still don’t know how I did it.
I kept waiting for a sign, I know I said I’d stop looking for signals but at 4:21 in the morning it was all I could cling to. Something that would give some sort of closure.
Something that like Jersey saying goodbye to me. It’s very strange how things in life turn out. Looking back at my house with the snow barely covering the yard and the roof should have been closure. Strange how it came from a piece of discarded paper.
The forgotten instructions on how to take a pregnancy test. Plus if knocked up, minus if not.
I think the equation should be the other way around. Minus if you are, plus if you are not. Minus home, minus college, minus high school, minus yourself.
I guess I forgot the instructions in the jacket. No one reads those anyways. You just check the box. It’ pretty obvious where to pee in the stick.
Shawnie tells me it is likely I am experiencing a little loss of control due to my hormones. To be honest with you, I’ve never felt so emotionally controlled in my life.
With complete control I kissed all my brothers and my parents goodnight, then I laid in bed with Hannah for a while, we read Alice and we sang All my loving.
Tomorrow I'll miss you, Remember I'll always be true.
It was all so awful because for some reason Hannah kept getting teary eyed and clinging to me. I guess she smelt it on me.
I’m such a coward, that’s why I’m so controlled. We cowards need to keep things close to the vest, so we learn to control ourselves.
I didn’t even tell my mom. I just wrote this fucking letter to her telling her all this bullshit about pursuing photography and asking her not to try to find me. That I would come back when I had found my way. That this was something I needed to do. Imagine having a kid who is capable of doing such wickedness.
Then I left a card for Hannah. I placed her in her Alice book which she has to open for her English lesson first thing tomorrow.
"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." Emily Dickinson.
I didn’t sign it, I don’t want my parents knowing I did that. I just don’t want her to think I forgot about her.
Then I went to bed.
Eleven minutes. I got eleven minutes to say goodbye to my old life. It took a little less than eleven minutes to wreck it in your backseat. Thank god I get a little more than 11 minutes to fix it.
All my loving,
Ava.