Dear Frankie...
Letter8
Dear Frankie,
I have turned into such a good liar I’m sort of afraid of myself.
After that crazy trip to Newark a horrible realization fell over me and suddenly I stopped crying and knew what I had to do: I had to lie for a while, I had to leave and I had to live.
That was it.
I made a list of thing I wanted to do before the baby was born with things such as “wear my skinny jeans, finish high school, get laid, go out all night, take nude pictures of self before fat…”.
I threw it away. I only really had to do those three things.
When I got home form Newark I told my parents I had been run over by an old tourist named Irving, who took me to the hospital to get the cast. I didn’t protest or call them because I was in such a state of shock I forgot. It was like someone very confident had taken a hold of myself and I could hear her lying ass off in a completely relaxed manner quite unlike my own.
They bought it all. I even got to stay in today.
I sat in the bathtub all morning, with my left hand sticking out inside a plastic baggie.
For the first time in a long time I sat there really thinking, just thinking without crying or falling apart into hysterics. I must confess I didn’t dare to look down at my tummy. When I got out I made another list. This time it was about things I had to do after the baby came.
I must keep playing my cello,
I must try to become a photographer,
I must stop lying,
I must become a educated person, fuck high school,
I must teach the baby everything I know
and I must find you.
Don’t worry, I just want to find you because both of you have the right to meet each other at least once. It’s really uncanny how calm I feel now, but maybe it’s just a phase and tomorrow I’ll be angry again.
It’s really exhausting being so angry at everyone but the one who really is to blame.
It’s okay. It’s not you who is on trial, it’s me. Wash your hands clean Frankie, I’m not holding anything against you even if I should.
After all this thinking and list making I got so depressed I used my new found lying skills to get Hannah out of school early and take her to the Branch brook park, right next to Newark. Hannah brought along her bubbles and sang Across the Universe and Here comes the Sun all afternoon. I thought her some nursery rhymes by Blake which she instantly loved. Hannah is a bit of a pagan herself. Sister Mary Anne is going to kill her if he hears her. Then we went home and on the way back Finn almost ran us over. The little cunt’s brain is so fucking full of bullshit he just shrugged and drove on. I really don’t know that guy anymore.
To make up for his shitty attitude that really scared Hannah I made a splendid lasagna for dinner. I don’t want to sound full of myself but I’m a great cook. I even make my own pasta and everything. My mom always said in Italy this meant I got a really rich husband or someone I liked. Oh! The irony of it all.
Maybe one day you’ll get to try it, maybe I'm lying.
Across the universe,
Ava.
I have turned into such a good liar I’m sort of afraid of myself.
After that crazy trip to Newark a horrible realization fell over me and suddenly I stopped crying and knew what I had to do: I had to lie for a while, I had to leave and I had to live.
That was it.
I made a list of thing I wanted to do before the baby was born with things such as “wear my skinny jeans, finish high school, get laid, go out all night, take nude pictures of self before fat…”.
I threw it away. I only really had to do those three things.
When I got home form Newark I told my parents I had been run over by an old tourist named Irving, who took me to the hospital to get the cast. I didn’t protest or call them because I was in such a state of shock I forgot. It was like someone very confident had taken a hold of myself and I could hear her lying ass off in a completely relaxed manner quite unlike my own.
They bought it all. I even got to stay in today.
I sat in the bathtub all morning, with my left hand sticking out inside a plastic baggie.
For the first time in a long time I sat there really thinking, just thinking without crying or falling apart into hysterics. I must confess I didn’t dare to look down at my tummy. When I got out I made another list. This time it was about things I had to do after the baby came.
I must keep playing my cello,
I must try to become a photographer,
I must stop lying,
I must become a educated person, fuck high school,
I must teach the baby everything I know
and I must find you.
Don’t worry, I just want to find you because both of you have the right to meet each other at least once. It’s really uncanny how calm I feel now, but maybe it’s just a phase and tomorrow I’ll be angry again.
It’s really exhausting being so angry at everyone but the one who really is to blame.
It’s okay. It’s not you who is on trial, it’s me. Wash your hands clean Frankie, I’m not holding anything against you even if I should.
After all this thinking and list making I got so depressed I used my new found lying skills to get Hannah out of school early and take her to the Branch brook park, right next to Newark. Hannah brought along her bubbles and sang Across the Universe and Here comes the Sun all afternoon. I thought her some nursery rhymes by Blake which she instantly loved. Hannah is a bit of a pagan herself. Sister Mary Anne is going to kill her if he hears her. Then we went home and on the way back Finn almost ran us over. The little cunt’s brain is so fucking full of bullshit he just shrugged and drove on. I really don’t know that guy anymore.
To make up for his shitty attitude that really scared Hannah I made a splendid lasagna for dinner. I don’t want to sound full of myself but I’m a great cook. I even make my own pasta and everything. My mom always said in Italy this meant I got a really rich husband or someone I liked. Oh! The irony of it all.
Maybe one day you’ll get to try it, maybe I'm lying.
Across the universe,
Ava.