Hide and Seek

“You have to go. He’ll be home soon,” I whispered fearfully, turning my back.

The mere thought of him walking through the door and seeing me talking to anyone, let alone Frank, was enough to make my knees tremble. He caught us once before… It was then that the abuse towards me became more frequent and more severe.

“I don’t want to go. Gerard, please... I love you,” Frank replied urgently, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I flinched away from his touch, taking a few steps forward, out of his reach.

Every time it came to this, Frank always insisted on staying… But he knew as well as I did that there was no way he could. Because every second that passed with the two of us together was a second closer to being caught out again, and we’re on our last warning now... If Bert finds out I’m still seeing Frank, he will just kill us both. We know the risks, but we simply cannot stay away from eachother.

“I know,” I replied sadly, hanging my head.

I never say I love him back. I’m too afraid of feeling anything anymore… I only end up getting hurt.

Anyway, what actually is love? Bert claims to love me, but I don’t think he actually has any love in him. Why would you abuse someone you love? Why would you practically hold them hostage in a life of misery and threaten them with tragic consequences if they were to disobey you?

You wouldn't.

Therefore, over the past four years that Bert and I have been together, I have been forced to come to the fateful conclusion that I’m trapped in a loveless relationship. And I know Frank loves me, but he should know by now there's no way out for me...

“Tell me you love me,” Frank spoke up suddenly. It wasn’t a forceful, demanding tone of voice, but a pleading one.

I don’t understand why he wants me to say it now after nearly two years of him and I doing this. We can only be together for the few hours when Bert goes out to play poker… He knows that’s the way it has to be.

And so, I ignored his plea reluctantly.

“Frank, you need to go now,” I replied instead, secretly and desperately needing him to stay.

He didn’t reply for a long time. I actually started to think he had left without a sound, while my back was turned. But I should have known he wouldn’t…

Suddenly, the silence was broken by the sound of him exhaling slowly.

“If I go, I won’t be coming back this time.”

I frowned deeply; his words were unfamiliar to me. How could he go and never come back? Just leave me trapped in here all alone?

I whirled around sharply on the spot to face him, intent on asking him what he meant, but I staggered backwards in horror at the sight I was met with. I wasn’t prepared to see him holding a gun in his shaky hands, aiming at himself.

“W-what the fuck are you doing?” I choked out as the fear paralysed my body entirely.

I hadn’t felt any emotion this strong in a really long time. My feelings had been trapped inside me, locked away with the pain. But this was like a bolt of lightning surging through my veins, sending a shockwave to my heart and making it skip a beat. For the first time in years, I actually felt something… The numbness inside of me was cracking with the dangerous amount of beats of my feeble heart.

I didn’t know where Frank’s gun or suicidal intentions had come from, but I didn’t wait for an explanation; I lunged towards him impulsively, grabbing hold of his wrist tightly and trying to the gun away from his head. But it was like there was a magnetic force attracting the gun closer; he was fighting against me, trying to shake off my hold on him.

“Gerard, don’t… I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much,” he cried in a trembling voice that was on the verge of breaking, like him. “He doesn’t love you! I do. And I can't take it! You won't leave him, so I can’t save you… or m-myself.” He broke down in tears at the last sentence and it was like a knife had been plunged deep into my heart.

“Frankie, please… You can’t do this.” I begged desperately, still wrestling the gun from his hand.

I could feel my shining light in the darkness fading. Even I know that without Frank, I’m doomed to eternally being trapped inside a life of emptiness. My heart was suddenly beating very fast, mere seconds away from beating itself into oblivion.

“I can’t live without you, Gerard,” he told me sadly, his watery eyes burning into mine intently. "Not anymore."

My heart drops into the pit of stomach, and I feel sickened by myself. Because this is all my fault. I had no idea it was affecting him like this. I’ve been so blind. I dragged Frank into my mess, and now he has no way out other than ending it all...

I felt my eyes suddenly stinging, and my vision very quickly became blurred.

“And you - you think I can live without you?” I demanded, swallowing a rising lump in my throat.

I can’t live without him. I would be naïve to think I could. I know that if he killed himself, every part of my being that longs for him deep within the secret bottle inside of me would die... And it would completely destroy me. I would much rather see that gun pointed straight at me, than at him.

“Yes. You are so much stronger than me, Gerard. You are able to hold it all together while that asshole is treating you like shit every day,” he spoke with praise and confidence, but his tears fell like ticking bombs. "I don't know how you do it... But it's killing me to just stand back and watch."

How can he not realise that the only reason I am able to survive what Bert puts me through is because of him? If he never existed in my life, I would have escaped life long ago.

I open my mouth to tell him this, but he keeps talking through gritted teeth, and I notice his grasp on the gun getting tighter.

"Every time I have to leave you here with him it’s like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. You are everything to me, and you're treating all of this, what we have, like it's nothing... like I'm nothing but a way to pass your lonely time.”

The devastation in his eyes is mirrored in mine upon hearing these words. It suddenly occurs to me that I've been abusing Frank's emotions this whole time, denying my own feelings for him as a coping mechanism for the embedded fear inside of me. My heart has been ruled by fear this whole time and I've been oblivious to the damage it's been causing... But now it's staring me in the face, holding a gun to its head.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know - oh, Frankie, you're not! You mean everything to me too, I just-"

“Do you love me?” he interrupted my panicked speech in an unusually calm voice, but his hand was shaking more than ever underneath my grasp at these words.

My hold on him was slipping faster than he was slipping over the edge.

“Yes! I - I do!” I spoke frantically, unable to control my voice and speak calmly like Frank had.

“Then run away with me,” he suddenly said candidly, taking me by surprise.

Hesitance inevitably flooded through me. How can we run when there’s nowhere we can run to where we won’t be found by him? It would just be a dangerous game of hide and seek that would be never-ending…

“I - I can’t do that,” I blurted out without thinking about the rashness of the situation.

Frank heaved a long sigh and nodded his head, before suddenly pulling his arm out of my reach roughly. He staggered backwards, almost losing his balance, and pressed the gun to his temple and closed his eyes tightly.

Panic levels inside of my kicked into overdrive as his finger moved a fraction of an inch on the trigger, causing my fragile heart to falter.

“NO!” I leapt forward and wrestled the gun from his hand once more, trying not to pass out due to my own heart failure. “I’ll do it! I - okay, I’ll run away with you!” I cried instantaneously, desperate to stop him from pulling that trigger.

His vacant eyes snapped open abruptly, burning into mine. Tears leaked from my pleading eyes, trailing down my cheeks. My vision was distorted, but I could vaguely see his eyes widen as he stared at me; the fact that I was crying seemed to shock him. It shocked me too, in all honesty; I hadn’t cried in years… I didn’t know I still knew how to cry. I’d been trapped inside myself, feeling numb for so long.

He finally lowered the gun in his hand, dropping his arm to his side so it was pointing at the ground. And as I stared into his empty eyes I saw the slightest flash of light in them.

“You’ll come with me?”

…Do I have any choice?

“Yes,” I whispered, trying not to sound too fearful and provoke any sudden movements on his part. But I could literally feel the colour drain from my face with the intense fear I felt. “Where?”

I had a sense of foreboding about leaving the house… This house that I am a prisoner to and haven’t been out of in years...

“Anywhere away from here. It's okay... We'll hide. I won’t let him find you,” Frank told me tenderly, but I was too far past being reassured; I was already convinced we were sealing our fate by trying to escape a life in which I was held captive.

He held out his hand to me and I took it reluctantly, because I feared what he would do if I refused, more than what lay in the shadows ahead for us.

My eyes suddenly lingered on the lethal weapon that was still grasped firmly in his other hand.

“D-don’t bring that,” I pleaded fearfully, nodding in the gun’s direction.

“It’s okay, I won’t use it unless I have to,” he told me, trying to reassure me again.

It didn’t work this time either... What circumstance would he have to use it?

“B-but-“ I began to stutter in protest, only to be silenced by Frank holding his hand up.

“Let’s go.” He smiled encouragingly and pulled on my hand firmly when I remained frozen to the spot, leading me to the front door.

***

I couldn’t help feeling trapped.

I had no idea where he was taking me, but I knew there was no way I could turn back now. We seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.

The falling snow was attacking the windscreen like insane pixie dust as Frank drove us down a meandering, narrow lane. Massive trees decorated in snow towered above us menacingly on either side of the road. It was cold outside, but the atmosphere between Frank and I in the car was almost worse… Neither of us had spoken a word since leaving my house, and the radio in his car was broken, which made the consuming silence eerie.

Almost half an hour had passed, and I was still trembling in fear... The image of Frank standing in front of me, looking at me with a tear-stained face whilst holding a gun to his head seemed to be engraved in my mind, constantly haunting me.

“I’m sorry,” Frank suddenly spoke softly, breaking the silence. “I didn’t mean to break down like that back then… I shouldn't have done that in front of you. I just kinda lost it.” He exhaled slowly.

I wanted to ask where the gun and his suicidal intentions had come from… But I daren’t.

“Never do that to me again.” I responded in a small voice.

“I won’t.”

In the distance ahead, I could see a clearing; light was breaking through the dark trees. I don’t know why, but seeing this reassured me for a weird moment… I felt temporarily safe all of a sudden.

The car eventually began slowing down as we approached the clearing, until Frank pulled over and stopped completely, killing the engine. I tore my eyes away from the brightness and looked at him questioningly.

“We’re here,” he spoke gently, as he unbuckled himself and opened the car door, stepping out into the brisk wind and heavy snow.

I did the same, but not before glancing over my shoulder to look out of the back window of the car, paranoid.

The bitter winter air stung my hot face and sent a shiver down my spine, as Frank and I walked along a hidden path.

“Where are we?” I asked him loudly over the howling of the wind, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to keep warm.

“You’ll see,” he retorted shrewdly.

We eventually reached the clearing and escaped from the darkness of the forest to the other side of the trees, where the light was almost blinding. A blanket of sparkling, white snow covered every inch of the field as far as the eye could see.

It was like a winter wonderland. I immediately fell in love with its flawless beauty. And as I stared out at the perfect landscape, I finally felt free.

I turned behind me to look at the gloomy forest from where we had just emerged and felt a strong sense of emptiness drifting in amongst the trees. I didn’t ever want to go back in there… I didn’t ever want to be trapped in amongst the darkness again.

I focused my attention to Frank, who stood closely next to me.

“I never want to go back,” I told him with a newfound confidence.

He glanced sideways at me; his eyes had lit up spectacularly brighter than the surroundings.

"We don’t have to.” He flashed me a smile that made me go weak in the knees.

All the feelings for Frank that I had buried inside myself with the rest of my emotions were now well and truly free. There’s no denying anymore that I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul.

I felt his eyes on my face, watching me as I tore my own eyes away from his and scanned the beautiful scenery again.

“This is Crystal Valley,” he spoke, and I felt his arm snake around me.

“It’s beautiful,” I replied in awe, leaning closer to him, needing his protective arms to embrace me tighter.

I felt so safe again all of a sudden.

I tilted my head upwards to face him and our eyes connected intently. My heart was pounding fast and hard, like the forceful snow that was falling around us. I could see the clouds of my breath as I breathed heavily into the freezing, sharp air.

Frank leaned in first, closing the gap between us. His lips ghosted over mine, causing my eyelids to flutter closed. My world was spinning and my senses were buzzing at the feel of his lips on mine. They make me fly.

A few heavenly seconds passed and Frank seemed determined to deepen the kiss. He traced his tongue along my lips, begging for entry; I parted them with certainty, allowing his tongue in to intertwine with mine perfectly.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a low, thundering rumble in the darkening sky above us. We broke apart instinctively, raising our head to the clouds.

“Sounds like there’s going to be a storm,” I raised my voice over the suddenly deafening screeching of the wind.

Frank’s eyes darted from the sky to my face, then he craned his neck to see around me. He narrowed his eyes, as if he was scanning the white meadow for something. Then, suddenly, his eyes stilled and focused on something. He seemed to have found what he was looking for.

“Over there.” He pointed behind me. I followed his pointing finger until my eyes laid on a small shack in the distance.

He took hold of my hand once more and we ran half-heartedly through the heavy snow both covering the ground and blowing in the wind and our faces. We ran for what felt like hours, racing against nature and the approaching storm, before finally reaching the small shack.

The roof was covered in snow and icicles draped from the top to the very bottom of the small hut. I wondered silently why the shack was here in the middle of a secluded meadow like this.

Frank stepped forward and grabbed hold of the door handle tightly. He seemed to have quite a hard time getting it to open, rattling the door knob frustratedly. After a moment of him doing this, the door finally gave in and it creaked open slowly.

He disappeared inside without hesitation.

I glanced over my shoulder and scanned the deserted field one last time, before following him inside cautiously and closing the door.

I took a proper look around the old shack. The floor was dusty concrete… The walls were worn metal iron, like the ceiling… And hanging in the middle of the shack from the ceiling was a flickering light bulb, with no lamp shade or anything for company. The place was empty, except for a moth-eaten sofa in the corner of the room, which was occupied by Frank.

“Well, this is… uh, lovely,” I scoffed, wrinkling my noise.

The snow was relentlessly beating against the vulnerable shack as the storm brewed menacingly outside. I was grateful to be under cover, but I was still cold and my constant shivers were proof.

Frank smirked at me, then threw his arms open wide, looking at me expectantly. I accepted the invitation, walking over and joining him on the couch. I cuddled up to him for a second time, as his big arms wrapped around me strongly, hugging me close.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear sweetly.

My lips curled into a smile against his neck.

“I love you too,” I replied freely.

I suddenly felt his hands on either side of my cold face, pulling me away from the crook of his neck to face him instead.

“You’ve never admitted that before. Well, you know, without me holding a gun to my head,” he mocked himself.

I smiled slightly, out of guilt mostly.

“Yeah, well... I was scared to. But I’m not scared anymore… And I’m not scared of being caught by Bert either. When you were holding that gun to your head, I was the most scared I’ve ever been. I doubt any amount of fear is ever going to beat that,” I confessed.

Frank’s eyes sparkled with admiration, like he was proud of me. But then his eyes drifted downwards, as if he was suddenly ashamed to meet my eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled apologetically, the guilt evident in his voice and his expression.

“It’s okay,” I breathed shakily.

“No, it’s not. I was an idiot for scaring you like that.”

I sighed slowly, bringing my hand up to his chin to make him raise his gaze to meet mine again.

“I’m not saying what you did was right, but if you hadn’t done it then I would never have left that house. Ever. And now, I’m just glad I’m free and you didn’t fire that gun… Everything turned out okay,” I assured him.

Frank nodded slowly, smiling.

No more time was wasted before our lips connected once again. I kissed him passionately, savouring the precious moment. The heavy wind and raging snow storm rattled the small hut, but it was barely noticeable. I wasn’t even cold anymore.

But then, all of a sudden, there was a loud banging on the door of the shack, which was a little harder to ignore… Was someone out there?

My heart skipped a beat and Frank and I broke apart reluctantly. I glanced at him worriedly, but he was busy looking round urgently for something.

Then, the door of the shack was forced open with difficulty again, creaking loudly. I found myself starting to shake again, but this time it was nothing to do with the cold and everything to do with the panic rapidly rising inside of me.

“Who’s there?” I called out in a small voice.

The reply was short and sharp: "Me."

For the second time in one evening, I was paralysed in fear. That voice always filled me with fear at the best of times, and now was quite frankly the fucking worst of times.

Slowly and intimidatingly, he stepped out from behind the door, walking forward into view.

My heart lurched horribly inside my chest at the sight of his angry face, glaring at me. I'd seen him angry before, but this... this was something else. His eyes were practically red with rage, and the vein on his forehead was bursting menacingly.

How did he find us? How did this game of hide and seek end so tragically before it had barely begun?

“What? You didn’t think I’d find you?” Bert smirked evilly at me, and then out of nowhere a familiar gun appeared in his right hand.

My jaw dropped to the floor in a mixture of shock and horror. I wasn't quite prepared for this... At least, not yet. I mean, I thought my death was imminent, but not at this very second.

“Looking for this?” Bert continued, directing his question as Frank, who he was staring at rigidly.

Frank immediately stopped rooting around down the side of the sofa and turned to face Bert, who had the gun raised questioningly. Beside me, I felt Frank's shoulder stiffen; he seemed to have frozen in horror too, like every muscle and organ in my body at the sight of his gun in the hands of the enemy.

Everything was silent. I heard Frank swallow nervously next to me, but he didn’t say anything. Neither of us could speak, it seemed. I could barely even breathe; it felt like my lungs were collapsing.

“You dropped it in the snow.” Bert informed him casually. “It’s a good job this field is covered in snow, really… I would never have known to follow your tracks all the way to this secluded little shack. Very cosy, indeed…” His voice was calm, but threatening at the same time.
I knew the tone of voice all too well.

I couldn't help but feel betrayed by the snow. It seemed so perfect… So flawless… I thought this place was some kind of winter wonderland. But I was deceived; it gave us away. It cheated. If this was a normal game of hide and seek I would protest how unfair the circumstances were.

But this is no normal game of hide and seek. And now the game is over.

We lost.

Still, neither Frank nor I made a sound. Bert’s patience seemed to be wearing thin. All of a sudden, he stopped holding the gun limply in his hand and raised it so he was pointing it directly at Frank.

“No!” I choked out instinctively, diving sideways in front of Frank on the sofa, who tried to push me off of him, but wasn’t strong enough.

“Gerard, move out of the fucking way,” Bert spat at me, “I’ll deal with you in a minute.”

It was a strange time to suddenly feel fearless, but I did. I felt confidence consuming me again, and for the first time ever, I felt brave enough to argue back.

“If you want to shoot him, you’ll have to go through me,” I stated boldly, even though playing the hero right now was ultimately pointless, because he was going to kill us both. I just didn't want to have to watch him kill Frank. There's not way I'm letting that gun be pointed at him again in this life.

“Gerard, don’t,” Frank begged me, trying to push me away, but I wouldn't let him. (Apparently I'm a strong motherfucker when it comes to life-threatening situations like this.)

I’m not scared of Bert anymore. I’m not even scared of dying. The only thing that scares me now is losing Frank.

Bert said nothing. He stared at me with piercing, narrowed eyes. I seized my chance to rant in his silence.

“I love him, Bert! I never loved you,” I revealed valiantly, looking at him with an expression of disgust. “You’ve made my life a living hell for all these years... So, go ahead and shoot me. I would be glad to get away from you once and for all. I fucking hate you!”

I almost couldn’t believe that after several years of being beaten and treated like shit, I was stranding up to the man who was to blame. It felt good... I felt invincible.

Frank, on the other hand, obviously didn’t think I was invincible.

“Gerard!” he cried in objection, fearing for our lives.

But it was too late. The furious look on Bert’s face told me I had already said too much.

A deafening gunshot ripped through the shack, and everything seemed to fade out into silence for a moment. The raging wind and snow was no longer echoing in my ear drums. But the sound of the gun being fired gradually filtered into my head again, resounding repeatedly. And then, the sound of a body hitting the ground thundered around the shack and echoed in my mind.

It was in that moment as I stared in shock and confusion that I noticed that the lifeless body was Bert’s, and the gun was still clasped in his right hand, pointed at himself.