Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

I locked myself in the bus bathroom, dialing my apartment number and desperately waiting for them to pick up. Tapping my fingers on the small sink, I stared at myself in the mirror and whimpered. I didn’t look at all like myself, I had bags under my eyes which were bloodshot and raw from holding back tears of misery.

“Hi! You’ve reached Holly, Selene, Dakota, and Layla. We can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we possibly can! Thanks!”

Hanging up before the beep, I slammed my phone against the counter and dropped my head, cursing. Today was a disaster and tomorrow would only get worse. While word about Hamilton was still under the table, the weight of what had happened manifested into full-blown guilt that attacked me from every angle. I could barely look Claudia in the face, let alone work with her, and it didn’t help that out tent was relatively close to that of All Time Low’s.

“Hey, is anyone in there?” someone asked, knocking on the bathroom door. Sighing once more, I opened the door and stepped out, becoming face to face with a startled Martin. “Oh, hey, sorry, I didn’t know you were in there.”

“It’s fine,” I muttered moving past him.

“Hey, Holly, there’s a party tonight…do you want to come?” he asked hopefully, his callused hand circling my upper arm. I forced myself to smile, and half-shrugged my shoulders.

“I’ll have to see how I feel later tonight, but maybe…”

Crawling up into my bunk, I curled into a ball and played with my phone, attempting to clear my mind about everything. Pulling out my computer, I dutifully checked my email before switching to my favorite gossip website, Perez Hilton. Which probably was a mistake, now that I think about it, seeing as it nearly gave me a heart attack to see in big, black letters; Avery Clark to Join Warped Tour, followed by an article about whether it was to attempt to woo me, “Hollywood’s Sweetheart and the Apple of his eye” or expand his music to a larger base.

Cue panicking.

“Why is this such a big deal?” Selene moaned. I had called her form the back lounge, ranting and raving about Avery and his awful timing.

“Why is this such a big deal? Selene, this is Avery Clark! Avery Clark!”

“Just…maybe you’ll find out you’re wrong about him! I mean, just because he’s a musician doesn’t mean he’s awful!”

“Yeah! Selene, damnit, give me the phone! Holly, it’s Dakota and Layla, but Layla’s eating so she can’t talk right now. Give Avery a chance and I know you won’t be disappointed!”

“I don’t date musicians!” I hissed, trying to keep my voice down. “I can’t deal with this right now! I can’t handle having another person like me on tour!”

“Another person like you? Babe, what do you mean by that?”

“They had to hire body guards for me! The lines for signings are so long, we’re stuck in the very back so that we don’t end up disrupting any other signings or performances! I mean, imagine what would happen if he showed up and was fawning all over me! Imagine what everyone would say, what with the whole Alex fiasco!”

“Who the fuck is Alex and why does he matter at all?”

Shit.

Sitting in the kitchenette with my head in my hands, I was ready to burst into tears. I had to explain everything to Selene, Dakota, and Layla, and they were pissed. They were mad not only for keeping that a secret from them, but for hurting three people like that. I forced myself to keep the cross-dressing part secret, knowing that some things were better kept secret. However, as mad as they were with me, they were furious with Claudia. And me. Dakota was ranting about how retarded I was to place myself in a situation where I was not only set up to be hurt, I was actually being hurt. Layla cursed out Claudia claiming she was awful to even think that this was okay, and Selene, well, Selene was surfing the web for plane tickets so she could both get to the next concert date and beat the living crap out of everyone and drag me back to New York.

“I cannot believe you are so stupid,” Layla muttered. “I mean, I love ya, hun, but this is just ridiculous. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Did you not hear my earlier confession? I’m not exactly the world’s best person! I fucked up, and I owe her!”

“Sweetie, you owe her nothing! Maybe an apology and a cup of coffee, but not this! Not putting yourself through hell and risking your reputation to make it up to someone whom you haven’t talked to in over three years!”

“It’s been four…”

“Do not correct me! Four years means nothing! Jesus, Holly, do you have no respect for yourself? Do you just enjoy doing shit like this to yourself?”

“Because I just…I need to do this. I need to make things right—not just with Claudia, but with Alex! I need to just…breathe.”

“Sweetheart, from what you’ve told us…it’s going to take more than that to make things right. You fucked him over, big time, and then you screwed with Claudia as well. I hate to be mean, but it’s going to be hard.”

“I know it’s going to be, ’Kota! I just…I need to do this.”

“Please don’t get your hopes up and get crushed, alright? Please, Holly, I don’t want to have to kick some band boy’s ass.”

“I promise guys…”

“The moment that concert shows up in New York, I’m kidnapping you and forcing you to stay here with us, do you hear?”

“Alright, alright, I promise.”

[&cut]

Avery arrived the next morning in Utah, his presence bringing a plethora of unwelcomed paparazzi (added onto the ones currently stalking me). Luckily, his bus and tent were located far, far away from mine (Claudia’s), so I didn’t run into him until later that night.
I was walking towards the food tent with Claudia, laughing about something a fan had said earlier during the signing. Although she was relatively cold to me, we were slowly becoming more accustomed to the fact that we would be spending the entire summer together, living the in the same bus, and pretty much every waking moment together.

“Oh man, and the shoes!” I laughed, recalling the fan’s neon yellow and pink sneakers that had burned their imprint onto my retinas.

“I swear to God, you meet the biggest weirdos on Warped Tour,” Claudia sighed with a shake of her head. We turned the corner, and I instantly froze before back tracking around the corner. “Holly? Why are you hiding?”

“Keep walking,” I hissed, motioning for her to move. “Pretend I’m not here!”

“Hey, Lorry, what’s with the hold up?” someone called from in front of the bus.

“Holly’s hiding from someone,” Claudia sighed. “C’mon, Holly, let’s go!”

“I think I’m going to head back to the bus,” I called, slowly backing away and further from Avery’s sight. “I’m not feeling so hot all of a sudden…”

“Are you sick?”

“Well…yeah, I’m sick. I think it was something I ate or like, the heat…I’m just going to head back to the bus and lie down. I don’t want to be a party pooper, y’know?” Lying pathetically, I hastily retreated backwards and bumped into someone.

“What’s this? Someone trying to hide from the party?” Paul smirked, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Hey Martin, looks like we have a party-ditcher on our hands!”

“No, no, no,” I shook my head, “I’m just not feeling well…”

“Bull,” Martin smirked, waggling his finger in my face. “We don’t like it when people tell lies, Miss Williams. I’m afraid we’re going to have to punish you for that…”

“Guys, seriously, I’m not in the mood to party—”

“Not in the mood to party?” Paul shouted, aghast. “No one is ever ‘not in the mood to party’!”

“C’mon, you guys just leave her alone,” Claudia sighed, coming to my rescue.

“I’m afraid we can’t let this horror go unpunished,” sigh Martin with the sugar-sweetness of a spoonful of honey. “Paul, grab her.”

Without warning, Paul had hoisted me onto his shoulder, wrapping his muscular arms around my legs and holding me stead fast.

“Put me down!” Beating my hands against his back, I squirmed against his grasp, hoping to be placed back on the ground. “Paul, I’m serious!”

“I’m afraid we can’t do that,” Martin shrugged, bending over so his face was in my line of vision. “Now, be a good girl and let us take you to the party without any trouble.”

“Paul, if you don’t put me down I will vomit down your back!”

“No you won’t, because if you do that your face will smushed against it until we reach the party, and I really don’t think you want puke in your hair,” he laughed. Letting out a shriek of frustration, I fell limp in his grasp, muttering angrily, “Just make sure no one catches this, I don’t want the paparazzi seeing my underwear…”

They settled me down in a lawn chair and thrust a cold beer in my hands, demanding that I finished it in twenty minutes or they’d be forced to tie me to the chair and pour in down my throat. Laughing as I sipped my drink, I noticed Avery watching me from across the parking lot, talking to a rather tall man.

“Did you notice the newest addition?” Claudia murmured, sitting next to me. “Apparently, he’s here to promote his new album to a wider selection of people.”

“Yeah, I read that,” I nodded, staring down the bottle of my beer.

“He’s staring at you, by the way.”

Rolling my eyes, I tilted my head back and downed the beer. Martin caught sight, instantly shouting out in laugher and shock. Gasping for breath, I ran my hand across my mouth so as to wipe away excess saliva and beer that might have escaped from my lips or bottle.

“Are you seriously going to get drunk?” Claudia sighed. “If you want him not to pay attention to you, this isn’t the way to go, you know.”

“I know,” I shrugged, placing the bottle to the side of my chair. “But it still is more fun than sitting here and wondering what the hell I’m going to do…or how I’m going to survive this tour.”

“So you’re going to drink yourself stupid?”

“If that’s what it takes, then, yeah. Hey, Martin, pass me another beer!”

“Holly, don’t go doing something stupid,” Claudia warned.

“Relax, Claude, I’ve got it all under control,” I smiled.

That was a lie. Two and half hours later, I was lying on my back on a picnic table, trying to get the world to stop spinning. Martin’s head was cradled in my lap as he drunkenly sung to himself songs about beer. I giggled sloppily and attempted to sit up.

“Marty,” I snickered, shaking his head. “I need to get up…”

“But you’re my pillow,” he moaned, burrowing his head back against my stomach. “Don’t go!”

“I hafta pee, damnit!” I pushed him off and sluggishly rolled down, landing with a plop on the bench below. Wobbling, I stumbled towards what I thought was the bus, my head spinning nicely in time to the pounding bass from the amps. I tripped over my platinum flip flops and bumped into a tall man, accidentally spilling his drink. Slurring an apology, I struggled to continue back to the bus. However, once again gravity decided to stop me.

“Whoa, there, Holly, careful now!” Arms wrapped around my torso, helping me stay on my feet. I lifted my head to flash a grateful smile, only to be met with Avery Clark.

“Oh, it’s you,” I sighed, drooping in his grasp.

“Well, thanks for the welcome,” he chuckled, readjusting his grip so I didn’t drop to the floor. “Do you need help getting to your bus?”

“No,” I shook my head as I elongated the ‘o’, “I can do it!”

He shrugged and let go of me. Straightening my top, I took five steady steps, staggered, and crumbled. His arms were back around me in an instant, helping me stand. I tried fighting him off with more protests, but he wouldn’t let go.

“Lemme go, Avery!”

“Sorry, Holly, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to get back safely. Unfortunately, you’re stuck with me,” Avery shrugged as he pulled me to the bus. I struggled heavily before giving up and letting him drag me away. However, I wasn’t necessarily agreeing, I was merely allowing him. He had to drag me, limp and stubborn, which was not easy on his part. Dragging a one hundred and twenty-two pound girl was hard, and I was going to make sure it was as hard as possible.

“Holly, can you please be reasonable for once?” Avery snapped, turning me to face him. I stuck out my tongue at him childishly. He threw his hands up in the air and stepped away from me. “You are one of the most infuriating people I have ever me!”

“Well you are the most…you are the most…”

Suddenly, the world started spinning as my stomach rolled. Shoving Avery aside, I dropped to my knees and emptied my stomach into the grass behind him. I heard Avery curse as he crouched next to me—minding the vomit—and gently pulled the hair away from my face. Tears streamed from my eyes as I spat before wiping my hand across my mouth.

“Here,” Avery whispered, handing me a napkin pulled from his pocket. “I’ve found it’s useful to always have a napkin handy at a party.”

I took it with shaky hands and dabbed at the corners of my mouth. I spat again, crawled away from my vomit spot, and flopped onto my back in a ball. Curling my head against my knees, I tried to sooth my stomach.

“C’mon, Holly, let’s go,” Avery grunted as he lifted me up into his arms, holding me up. He half-dragged, half-carried me back to my bus and tossed me into the bunk, panting. “You are so goddamn annoying sometimes, do you know that? Jesus, Holly!”

I poked him in the chest, rolling away from him and slurring out, “You’re not the boss of meeeeee…”

“You’re right, I’m not,” he snapped, turning me back to him. “But guess what, Holly? I really like you, and when you go about doing shit like this? I worry about you. Because I care for you and I don’t want you getting hurt! And there's no way in hell I'm going to abandon you when you can hardly walk! God, Holly, what kind of monster do you think I am? Do you think I'm doing this just to get into your pants? Holly, I respect you. And I like you. And I just...I hope one day you might...you might like me back, okay? Gosh, I sound like a fool, but it's true. So, there. That's my speech. You--you don't have to speak to me for the rest of the tour if you'd like, I'll understand."

I stared at him, stunned, noticing how a ruddy blush had formed at the tips of his ears and spread across his face and neck. Suddenly, the room stopped spinning and I realize how blue his eyes were, how pink his lips were. I noticed the color of his hair and the tiny scar on his chin, as well as the small shaving nick where his neck and jaw met. And while I was noticing these things, I was leaning in closer, closer, closer—

And then my lips were pressed against his, my hands tangled in his hair, and my eyelashes flutter down to meet the tops of my cheeks. His fingers brushed the underside of my jaw, before wrapping around my waist and pulling me in closer. We kissed for what seemed like hours before we pulled back, panting and staring at each other through heavy lidded eyes.

“I’m going to go back to my bus,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to mine. “Goodnight, Holly.”

With one chaste kiss to my temple, Avery was gone.

Fuck.