4352 Days
One at a time.
I placed a copy of a photo on the ground in front of me, along with the small bundle of flowers. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand as I trace every letter carved before me with my eyes. As soon as I get to the D my vision blurs with tears.
“Little Freddie found an old box the other day while he was visiting me at the shop. I couldn’t help but laugh when he tossed me the box and asked what it was. Despite the fact it said, plain as day, what it was on top, he still asked. ‘Dad, what’s a portable swamp and why in Merlin’s name would anyone want one?’ I couldn’t help but to remember the day we set one up. Al sent home a picture just the other day, it’s the roped off section that still stands. There’s a plaque and everything. Our names, on a plaque in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry—can you believe it?”
I offer a genuine, but weak smile as I kneel on the ground and let my fingers trace the letters I had just read. My tears are falling freely now—as they always do when I visit. I glance around at the balloon and other flowers and trinkets that were left from earlier today.
“I couldn’t come earlier. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t face everyone. I’m not sure if I ever will. You were my backbone and I’ve been doing my best since you’ve been gone—Merlin you should still be here, things would be different no doubt. Ickle Won-won is helping me out, as is Lee. We still get a lot of Hogwarts students and they still get discounts, even if it’s not to torment that old toad.”
A choked laugh escapes me as I pull out a small bundle from beneath my cloak. I set the worn sweater in my lap, fingering its frayed edges and other loose threads. The top of a bright green F stares up at me. I let my fingers dance over it as I do every day.
“Mum’s worried about me…everyone’s worried about me actually. I’m sure if you were here you’d be kicking me in the arse to get over you. You’d probably tell me we should only be mourning the fact the world is short one more devastatingly handsome bloke. I try to joke, I just can’t. I’m not like you. My sarcasm hasn’t even been working—it’s been years big brother, I know, but I can’t be who they all expect me to be.”
I lean forward and bury my face in the sweater, letting more tears fall and sobs to shake my body. I can’t do this, I can’t. Even with Angelina and Freddie, I’m still not whole—I’m incomplete.
“Angie’s more than enough for me and Freddie and little Roxie too. The whole family has a big dinner once a week. Tonight was special—it’s our birthday. They still put your name on the cake, something I refuse to let them take away from me. Mum keeps your chair at the table, something I think she does for her own coping. Freddie’s the only one we’ll let sit there, you’d love him. He’s got your pigheaded nature with my sarcasm and Angelina’s wit, he’ll be a fine man one day. He’ll do your name justice.”
I’m now on my back, glancing up at the stars through the trees. The only other light besides the moon is the tip of my wand that’s laid at the stone. The sweater is beneath my head, as if a pillow. I toy with the edge of my cloak sleeve. My heart is still constricted in pain and loneliness. I’ve stopped sobbing, but the tears still fall. A surge of anger bursts through me and I roughly sit up, bringing my fists to the ground. My chest begins to heave again.
“This is ridiculous!”
I jump to my feet and begin to pace, my fingers running through my hair.
“Why can’t I let you go? It’s been years, years Fred, and I still come here, every night to talk to you. Old habits die hard I guess. We grew up ending each night talking to each other about anything and everything and sometimes nothing at all—but we still talked. The night you were crushed by that wall, I still talked to you. I laid in your bed and just talked through the night. I cried, I yelled, I screamed, I whined, I whispered, but it was all for you. Always for you.”
I wiped my cheeks as I stood over the grave once more, forcing myself to calm down.
“I should be tired of doing this to myself, to my family. Running away each night to come to this small grove of trees to find your shiny stone. I still cry, yell, scream and whine to you—something I’ll always do till I can let you go. I never say goodbye, I can’t. I know that now. I just miss you so much. You got me on the levels no one else can. We completed each other in ways that only twin brothers could. I need to go though, Angie’s probably awake and waiting for me.”
I walk over to the stone and press my fingers to my lips and gently lay them atop the stone. I take a few steps back and just stare. A single tear falls down my cheek as a small breeze begins to flow and just before I leave with a pop, I heard a faint sound in the wind. As I catch my footing outside of my small home, I notice the upstairs light is on—Angie is awake and waiting fr me. I quietly make my way inside and upstairs. She smiles at me in greeting, Roxanne is asleep in her arms and Fred’s sprawled across our bed.
I magic my clothes away and my pajamas on and quietly climb in bed beside Fred. Careful not to jostle him too much to wake him and settle down beside him in my arms; Angie settles Roxie down between her and Fred and turns the light off. She searches out my hand and links our fingers, giving me a small squeeze. We’d talk in the morning, just like we always do. As I lay there, listening to my family breath, I think back to the sound I heard just before I left. It sounded just like you—I miss you too. For the first time in a long while, I fall asleep with a small smile on my face.
“Little Freddie found an old box the other day while he was visiting me at the shop. I couldn’t help but laugh when he tossed me the box and asked what it was. Despite the fact it said, plain as day, what it was on top, he still asked. ‘Dad, what’s a portable swamp and why in Merlin’s name would anyone want one?’ I couldn’t help but to remember the day we set one up. Al sent home a picture just the other day, it’s the roped off section that still stands. There’s a plaque and everything. Our names, on a plaque in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry—can you believe it?”
I offer a genuine, but weak smile as I kneel on the ground and let my fingers trace the letters I had just read. My tears are falling freely now—as they always do when I visit. I glance around at the balloon and other flowers and trinkets that were left from earlier today.
“I couldn’t come earlier. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t face everyone. I’m not sure if I ever will. You were my backbone and I’ve been doing my best since you’ve been gone—Merlin you should still be here, things would be different no doubt. Ickle Won-won is helping me out, as is Lee. We still get a lot of Hogwarts students and they still get discounts, even if it’s not to torment that old toad.”
A choked laugh escapes me as I pull out a small bundle from beneath my cloak. I set the worn sweater in my lap, fingering its frayed edges and other loose threads. The top of a bright green F stares up at me. I let my fingers dance over it as I do every day.
“Mum’s worried about me…everyone’s worried about me actually. I’m sure if you were here you’d be kicking me in the arse to get over you. You’d probably tell me we should only be mourning the fact the world is short one more devastatingly handsome bloke. I try to joke, I just can’t. I’m not like you. My sarcasm hasn’t even been working—it’s been years big brother, I know, but I can’t be who they all expect me to be.”
I lean forward and bury my face in the sweater, letting more tears fall and sobs to shake my body. I can’t do this, I can’t. Even with Angelina and Freddie, I’m still not whole—I’m incomplete.
“Angie’s more than enough for me and Freddie and little Roxie too. The whole family has a big dinner once a week. Tonight was special—it’s our birthday. They still put your name on the cake, something I refuse to let them take away from me. Mum keeps your chair at the table, something I think she does for her own coping. Freddie’s the only one we’ll let sit there, you’d love him. He’s got your pigheaded nature with my sarcasm and Angelina’s wit, he’ll be a fine man one day. He’ll do your name justice.”
I’m now on my back, glancing up at the stars through the trees. The only other light besides the moon is the tip of my wand that’s laid at the stone. The sweater is beneath my head, as if a pillow. I toy with the edge of my cloak sleeve. My heart is still constricted in pain and loneliness. I’ve stopped sobbing, but the tears still fall. A surge of anger bursts through me and I roughly sit up, bringing my fists to the ground. My chest begins to heave again.
“This is ridiculous!”
I jump to my feet and begin to pace, my fingers running through my hair.
“Why can’t I let you go? It’s been years, years Fred, and I still come here, every night to talk to you. Old habits die hard I guess. We grew up ending each night talking to each other about anything and everything and sometimes nothing at all—but we still talked. The night you were crushed by that wall, I still talked to you. I laid in your bed and just talked through the night. I cried, I yelled, I screamed, I whined, I whispered, but it was all for you. Always for you.”
I wiped my cheeks as I stood over the grave once more, forcing myself to calm down.
“I should be tired of doing this to myself, to my family. Running away each night to come to this small grove of trees to find your shiny stone. I still cry, yell, scream and whine to you—something I’ll always do till I can let you go. I never say goodbye, I can’t. I know that now. I just miss you so much. You got me on the levels no one else can. We completed each other in ways that only twin brothers could. I need to go though, Angie’s probably awake and waiting for me.”
I walk over to the stone and press my fingers to my lips and gently lay them atop the stone. I take a few steps back and just stare. A single tear falls down my cheek as a small breeze begins to flow and just before I leave with a pop, I heard a faint sound in the wind. As I catch my footing outside of my small home, I notice the upstairs light is on—Angie is awake and waiting fr me. I quietly make my way inside and upstairs. She smiles at me in greeting, Roxanne is asleep in her arms and Fred’s sprawled across our bed.
I magic my clothes away and my pajamas on and quietly climb in bed beside Fred. Careful not to jostle him too much to wake him and settle down beside him in my arms; Angie settles Roxie down between her and Fred and turns the light off. She searches out my hand and links our fingers, giving me a small squeeze. We’d talk in the morning, just like we always do. As I lay there, listening to my family breath, I think back to the sound I heard just before I left. It sounded just like you—I miss you too. For the first time in a long while, I fall asleep with a small smile on my face.