I Will Possess Your Heart

Today was the first day of school. I was driving me and Aubrey to school.

I hopped out the bed, quickly got dressed, ate a bowl of cereal, and brushed my teeth.

I went over to the Keatings and waited for Aubrey.

As she walked down the stairs, it was one of those moments in the movies when all the lights shine on her, everything’s in slow motion, the wind blows just right, and a heavenly choir begins singing.

Then I was hit by reality when she spoke

“Hey Ryan, you ready to go?”

“Only if you are my dear.”

She giggled, grabbed her coat and bag, hugged and kissed her mom. I gave Mrs. Keating the same. Then we walked to my car. It was a 1993 Honda Civic, but it ran, played my I-pod, and didn’t smell liked shit.

“I still can’t believe your ‘rents got you a car for your 16th birthday.”

“Yeah, me either. So, you ready for another year in hell they like to call Bishop Gorman?”

“I guess as ready as I’ll be. Only if I have classes with Nick or you”

That hurt, me being her second choice to some buffoon.

“I’m sure we will have at least one class together.”

The rest of the ride to school we discussed last night’s episode of American Idol, deciding we were only voting for Kelly Clarkson for the rest of the season. And we listened to this weird mixtape she made for me that had everything from Avril Lavigne to Fall Out Boy to Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We arrived shortly, filled into our designated home rooms. I was always sad we had different home rooms. But at least I was with Spencer, my other best friend, the one I’m in the band with.

I walked in and sat down next to him.

We gave each the silence head nod and sat in there.

Before I knew it, it was already 4th period and I had lunch with Spencer and Aubrey next. We were probably going to sit together, but I was a little unsure on whether Aubrey was going to sit with those bitches she sometimes considers friends in order to get closer to Nick, the man of her dreams.

The bell then rang, I guess I would find out in a few minutes.

I sat down at the same table sat at the year before and saw Spencer sit down across from me. We pulled out our lunches and began to eat. Spencer and me didn’t speak much this early in the day.

Eventually Aubrey came over and sat down. She started talking about how good her day was so far. I’d ask the occasional question, but really I was just looking at her and day dreaming.

“Ryan! Earth to Ryan” Aubrey snapping her fingers in my face.
“Oh sorry, well go on.”

“Yeah, well today you don’t need to drive me home cause I’m going to hang out with Nick after school.”

“Oh cool, cause I was going to go over Spencer’s house after school to chill Brent.”

Spencer gave me a confused looked “Really Ry, cause I thought you hated Brent and just wanted to”

But he was interrupted by my foot colliding with his shin.

“Oh, nevermind” He obviously got the hint.

Aubrey then hugged me and said she’d see me later.

It killed me a little inside when she hugged me because I knew it meant more to me than it meant to her.

The rest of my day was just shit, because all I could think of was what Aubrey and Nick were going to do while they were hanging out this afternoon.

He was going to pick her up in filthy new mustang and they’ll listen to some rap crap the whole ride home, she’ll say she loves. And he’ll tell there’s no one home. And that the pool is still open.

She’ll stay she doesn’t have her swim suit. He’ll stay there’s no need for one, they’re going skinny dipping. And then it’ll be the scene from Fast Times at Ridegemount High all over again. And she’ll let that asshole pop her cherry.

He doesn’t even love her, probably just made a bet, like some shit from a teen movie.
While pondering this in last period, Spencer noticed and was about to say something, but the bell rang, thank god.

I told Spencer I would see him later and raced to my car. On my way there, I turned to see Aubrey climbing into Nick’s car, both of them laughing.

I died a little more. I rushed home right away, not even noticing stop signs or red lights, if I died in a car crash right now, I wouldn’t give a shit.

I came home and ran up to my room. I began blasting some emo crap music that was in my stereo and took out my box. In this box was a couple of razor blades, my journal, a notebook full of lyrics, and a few notes that Aubrey gave me in class telling me she was so happy that I was one her closest friends.

I turned up the volume on the song, so no one could hear me scream. Though, I don’t think anybody is home.

I grabbed the razor blades, slide them gently across my wrist at first, leaving no marks. Then I put pressure and purpose behind my hand. I began to see crimson fall onto my journal, I felt my tears begin to stop and wave of relief come over me. I quickly began to clean up the blood and blot up my cuts. I put on a hoodie, with holes cut in the cuffs to my thumbs in. I usually only wore when I cut myself, thankfully no one has caught on yet.

After everything was cleaned, I grabbed my lyric notebook, locked up my box, and grabbed my guitar. I was about to turn off my lights and leave, but I looked out my window, and across into Aubrey’s room.

Oh that’s right, I haven’t told you that yet. Aubrey and mine’s rooms are right across from each other. It was cool and cute when we were young; we did the whole tin can and string thing and threw paper planes to each other. But now it was just awkward because if she left her shades open, I felt myself standing in front of my window, watching what was going on in her room, even if she wasn’t there.

But today when I looked across the lawn out my window and into her room, I saw her standing there looking back into my room shocked.