I Will Possess Your Heart

Crap. I had been caught.

The first time in my two years of doing this, someone had seen me. And it wasn’t just anybody, it was Aubrey.

I don’t know how long she had been standing there. Had she seen me take out my box?

Had she heard me cry and whisper her name? Granted, this was unlikely, but the window was open.

Now she’s going to think I’m some type of emo freak. She won’t want to associate with me,
let alone be my friend or something more.

What made even madder was the way I reacted when I saw her there.

I walked over the window, bitch face on, and swung the curtain closed, her face still frozen, she was lightly sobbing. I then just left my house and went straight to Spencer’s. I didn’t think twice about how she felt or thought at the time.

Because of that, it made this morning’s car ride with her extremely awkward. I could tell she wanted to ask me a billion questions. I played the conversation in my head.

“Why?” She would say with tear filled eyes

“You and that douche”

“What?”

“I see you and that ass Nick, and I wish that could us. I want to be with you, Aubrey, I always have.” I know I would never say this, but this is the imaginary land in my head where I actually have the balls to say stuff like that.

“Oh.” She would mumble quietly

A silence would pass.

“For how long?” She would look over at me

"Well I started when I was in 8th grade, nothing too bad just a slit here or there. Didn’t get too bad until summer after 9th grade when Nick finally noticed you, and your body.”

She would begin to fumble with her hands, nervous, unsure of her usually confident self.

“I actually meant how long have you felt that way about me?”

“I remember the exact moment. It was in 5th grade, it was the day of school. It was our last day of recess, ever. We were playing on the playground. The bell rang and we continued to play. And you stayed out there with me. And you held my hand for most of the rest of the day, despite what others said. That day, I knew I loved you.”

She would smiled and lean over to me and begin to kiss me wildly.

But none of that would ever happen in real life, especially me telling her my true feelings and she reciprocating with a hot make out session.

I had to settle for my less than mediocre real life. Which consisted of me continuing where I left off with my razor blades after I woke up, although, this time I made sure my shades were closed.

I proceeded to cut deeper this time. Not aiming to hit a bone, but it wouldn’t have bothered me if I had. I then cleaned up and took a quick shower. I quickly dressed in my common uniform of jeans, band shirt, and vans. And today I wore my wrist slitting hoodie.
I left the house quietly. Being the middle child, no one seemed to notice me much. I grabbed pop tarts on the way out and walked over to Aubrey’s. I knocked on the door. Mrs. Keating answered the door and things went as usual. Aubrey didn’t look at me weird or ask questions. But then, we got in the car.

She didn’t even make a noise while walking to the car. Bu the second I pulled on the road, she turned the radio off. The car was filled with silence. And not the comfortable silence I could usually handle when it was with Aubrey. This was the uncomfortable you only felt when you were in the principal’s office.

She let out a sigh. I knew she wanted me to talk to her and apologize before she said anything, but it wasn’t going to happen that way. Not this time.

After a few minute of me not responding to her huff, she turned towards me.

With much disdain she said “So Ryan how was band practice?”

“Oh great, we’ve started a few songs. We’re still looking for another guitarist though. Until then, it’s kind of hard to write the music. So we usually just end up playing Blink covers.”

She didn’t really seem interested in the conversation. She was being selfish; she wanted me to think about her. If she only knew, she’s all I think about. I knew I was going to have to ask a question about her to make her feel more comfortable, thus making me feel more ok.

“So how did your afternoon with Nick go?”

“Fine, I guess. I mean, we got to his house and it was weird. And not in the way you think it would be. He didn’t to the moves on me or anything. He just watched me, like an object. I got freaked out, so he drove me home. Then I just chilled in my room…” She trailed off at the end. She didn’t want to bring up seeing me. I was just glad to hear he hadn’t touched her for the time being.

We remained in silence for the rest of the ride. Not even the radio was turned back on. But now, it was slightly more comfortable. I could breathe without it being the loudest noise ever heard.

I parked and jumped out the car wordlessly. I began walking, but Aubrey called my name. I snapped my head so fast, I could have sworn I had whiplash.

She pulled me close and just hugged me. I flinched instinctively she held my arms. She spoke nothing, just hugged me. I took a deep breath and hugged her back. I heard her sniffle. She also began to shake. She was sobbing into me. I pulled her back and looked into her eyes. She continued looking down, fumbling with her hands. I pulled her face up to look at me in the eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying but they were still their beautiful hazel staring at me.

“My love, you have nothing to worry about.” I whispered kissing her head.

“It. It. It. It just scared me. I was frozen there for a good hour. I mean I just…You’re my rock. Rocks aren’t supposed to have problems.” She said it with a smile. I knew how she meant it, but it came out with a sting, it kind of hurt. I had been there for her through a lot of shit. And now because I have “an issue” she’s not okay. I was pissed off, but I didn’t want to mad at her. I just pulled her back into a hug, rubbed her back and walked away.

-----

The days continued to pass.

Aubrey seemed to closing off Nick. He was less than happy about that, but he seemed to keep his distance.

She ate lunch with Spencer and me. She walked with me in the halls. She began to dress less provocative, more like she used before she tried to impress boys.
I was beginning to get my Aubrey back, and I was happy. I had stopped hurting myself on a daily basis. There was still the occasional dark day when my depression got the best of me, but I could almost wear short sleeves again.

Today seemed like a happier day though. It was a Friday. There was going to be easy classes and pizza. I flowed through the morning simply. Aubrey and I had a regular talk about regular things. Everything was usual.

Then lunch happened and things would never be the same.