Slow Down

I think that's what's wrong with the world:
Is that no one says how they feel,
they always hold it inside.
They're sad, but they don't cry.
They're happy, but they don't dance or sing.
They're angry, but they don't scream;
because if they do they feel ashamed.
And that's the worst feeling in the world.
So everyone walks with their heads down,
and no one sees how beautiful the sky is.

Jay sat in front of his computer, staring out the window at the world below. People rushed by and for a brief moment he wondered where they were all rushing too. Life moved so fast, he understood that. He was a student taking night courses at the local college while working in the morning as a busboy at the diner down the street. He got up at five and went to bed at one.

Jay's fingers moved to the keyboard as he began to type.

I saw a man today. He was homeless, dressed in old clothes and holding a can out hoping for a spare bit of change. I passed him by, I was late meeting a friend. It would've been only a few seconds of digging through my pockets, but I couldn't find the time.

Then, I was talking to that same friend I was meeting and he was telling me how his mother was just diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to reach across the table and wrap my arms around him, letting him know I was there and that he could cry on my shoulder if he wanted. I patted his shoulder, afraid of what people might think if they saw two men hugging. The man’s one of my closest friends and I couldn’t hug him in public.

Sometimes it gets hard putting up this tough guy image, because reallyI’m not that tough no one’s strong all the time. There’s a tightening in my chest that I get every now and again. Last month I finally discovered what it was, bottled emotions. After spending years bottling them up so I don’t appear weak, it came back to bite me in the ass. Do you know what it’s like to just be walking to class, talking to a friend and suddenly you can’t breath, your heart’s beating out a rapid beat, and you have no idea why. It scares the shit out of you. Of course I learned……

Jay looked at the door behind him and sighed as he stood up. Dinner was here. It didn’t take long to pay the kid behind the door and settle back in behind the computer with a plate of pizza and a bottle of Heineken.

…..that those are all symptoms of a panic attack.

Jay leaned back and read what he had. It was his latest entry for his class journal. He hated them sometimes, but sometimes it felt nice to get his thoughts down for another to read.

Maybe if I just stopped, you know let it go, breath and look up at the sky. The night sky is best, especially in the country. The day is nice, but everything slows down at night. Maybe I’ll do that. Tomorrow, it’s a Friday and there’s no parties to attend, I’ll drive up to the country and just lay under the stars and just let myself be as I am, no worries, no people, no shame.

Jay smiled as he hit the save button. He was happy with this entry. For once it wasn’t just some random article response, he’d actually had something to say.