For You to Notice

I stared out the bus window, hugging myself tightly. This waiting would drive me insane eventually, but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. It’s all I had left. I winced as my body jolted into the small table when the bus stopped abruptly. Another night of being invisible.

Slowly, I stood, stretching my wraith body to its full extent. After straightening my clothes, I made my way off the bus and into the venue. I wanted to scope out the place to see what kind of pictures I could get. My first stop was the stage. Since I had to take strictly professional photos during the show, I spent the most time figuring out the best places to shoot from. I ran over the set list in my head, deciding which songs I would be in the audience for and which ones would see me in the press pit.

A noise from the stage broke my concentration. I bit my lip when I realized who it was. JB. The man I’ve been lusting over since I got this job. The man who had no clue I existed. Well, that’s what I said to Danny anyway. We lived on the same bus so he had to have some knowledge of my existence. That’s what logic and Danny told me. I didn’t believe them though. I hadn’t had a single conversation with JB in the eight months we’d been on tour. I highly doubted he knew who I was.

I watched him tape off the stage and start setting up the drum kit. Meticulously, he set each piece out and checked them for irregularities and damage. He did this every show and his dedication always fascinated me. His devotion to his work spawned my love for the instrument. Whenever I watched him assemble and test that monstrosity of a drum set, my mundane reality would be reformed into something wondrous.

His head began to rise and I panicked. Hurrying out the closest exit, I felt my throat tighten. Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes as I leaned against the wall. I attempted to regulate my breathing so my airways would reopen, but failed. Why couldn’t I be normal? I slid down to a crouching position and buried my head between my knees. I forced myself to focus on my breathing. Slowly, my labored breathing returned to a normal state.

I hadn’t had an attack that bad since the start of the tour. It was the first time I saw JB. He quite literally stole my breath. My body froze when my eyes danced over his body. My subconscious bodily functions cut off when I heard his laugh. Three seconds from full cardiac arrest Danny stepped into my field of vision, asking me if I was okay. It’s how we met, incidentally. He took me to get some water and then outside. Not feeling up to lying, I explained what happened and we’ve been like siblings ever since.

Danny’s the only one that knows who I am. No one other than Larry, the band’s manager has spoken to me; he and I have only spoken twice. Once when I interviewed, and the second time when he called to tell me the details of the tour. I didn’t think the band knew they had a photographer this tour.

Honestly, I wasn’t bothered by it. I wasn’t a people person. When I did find myself in a crowd, I never had anything to say. Though I supposed that came from my lack of self-confidence. I wasn't sure of the time frame, but somewhere in my teens, the notion that I talked too much and most of my talking was complaining that no one wanted to hear wheedled its way into my mind. I hadn’t been able to get it out...not that I really ever tried. I read in the Bible once that the “words of the wise, spoken quietly, should be heard Rather than the shout of a ruler of fools.” I took this as affirmation that my being slow to speak was a good thing.

Even with my reluctance to speak, something drew me to JB. I wanted to talk to him. That scared me. It sent my body into flight mode and nearly killed me when the mere chance presented itself. At least when I was alone. If Danny was by my side, I could handle being in the same room with JB for more than five minutes.

Steeling myself against the night ahead of me, I pushed off the wall and went to the bus. I knew for a fact that no one else would be there. I memorized their routine after two weeks of shows. Everyone hung out in the green room and around the venue from sound check to the hour before we had to leave for the next venue or hotel. I used this time to check my cameras the way JB checked the drum kit. Once that was done, I would grab a book, curl up in my bunk and read until the doors opened for the concert. This is the routine I followed today as well.

Danny sent me a text, informing me that the doors had opened and I needed to get ready. With a sigh, I set my book down, loath to leave Fanny as she listened to Edmund and Mary Crawford flirt. I double checked my equipment before I gathered everything together and made my way inside.

“There you are. What took you so long?” I jumped slightly as Danny addressed me. He always scared me when he spoke to me. Even after eight months, I couldn’t adjust to the fact that he willingly spoke to me.

“I was caught in my book. You know how I get, Daniel.” His eyes narrowed slightly when I called him Daniel, but he didn’t say anything. In my head, calling him Danny was easy, but it refused to translate to spoken word. Some part of me feared I hadn’t earned the right to call him Danny. That was a nickname given to him by his friends and family. In my mind, I was neither. He told me otherwise repeatedly, yet my mind wouldn’t accept his reasoning.

“Sure, sure. Well come on. We’re gonna go chill in the green room with everyone else.” I stopped mid-step. “What?”

“With everyone else?” He nodded slowly, confusion playing on his face. “I uh I don’t think that’s uh such a um good idea, ya know? I’ll just uh hang out by the um stage or something, ya know? Like um away from people?” My power of speech fled at the sheer thought of socializing. Danny shook his head, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. He didn’t say anything as he led me deeper backstage. I never came this far into any venue so to say I was utterly lost would be an understatement. He stopped outside a plain gray door and I shrunk into him.

“Chickie, it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know why I even have to come. It’s not like they know who I am or anything. I mean I’ve been here for 8 months and not once have they spoken to me. I doubt they even care if I’m here or not.” He muttered something along the lines of you might be surprised. I chose to ignore this comment as he opened the door. Raised voices drifted from the room. My throat started to close. My knees gave in as tears welled in my eyes. I didn’t want to do this. I couldn’t do this. Danny pulled me off to the side quickly. He pressed the edge of his shirt over my mouth and nose, coaching my breathing. His free hand moved to my back, rubbing in soothing circles.

“It’ll be alright, chickie. I’m not leaving your side until it’s time for you to go to work. I promise.” He spoke softly. I nodded stiffly. My throat hadn’t completely reopened. Tears still streamed down my face and didn’t seem to want to stop anytime soon. Danny wiped my cheeks gently, but it did little good.

When I could breath again, I pulled away from him. I was still scared, but I chose to trust him and believe that he wouldn’t abandon me in there. Danny flashed me a smile. I returned it weakly. He chuckled, threw an arm over my shoulders and guided me back to the room. Another attack began to creep into my lungs and throat, but I focused on regulating my breathing to hold it off.

I felt eyes on me as Danny directed me to a couch with enough room left for two people. I sat next to Danny awkwardly. The conversation continued on as if I wasn’t there. As long as no one actually spoke to me, this socialization bit would go smoothly.

I glanced at my watch. Just two hours until I could leave and start getting ready to work. I could make it two hours. I wiggled my phone from my pocket. I would just do some crossword puzzles to pass the time. Well that was my plan until my phone was ripped from my hands. I frowned, seeing my phone disappear into Danny’s pocket. What was he trying to do to me?

“Oh my sweet Jebus, Jason. Just freakin’ talk to her.” Yelling from the other side of the room startled me and small squeak escaped my lips. Danny laughed, shaking his head at me. I glared in return, and then looked down at my lap.

“Um...hi?” My body froze. This had to be some sick joke. My first day on tour threatened to reenact itself as my eyes traveled up to gaze on the face of the speaker. I had to fight to keep my throat from closing. Maybe he’s not talking to me. Maybe he’s talking to Danny. Just as I convinced myself of this, Danny elbowed me gently in the side. My head snapped up and my eyes met his. He tilted his head toward the speaker and my eyes widened. He couldn’t want me to talk to them. He nudged me again and I bit my lip.

I couldn’t actually be contemplating this. “Hi.” I guess I wasn’t contemplating it anymore. My voice was barely above a whisper. I involuntarily shrunk more into Danny’s side. He sat next to me slowly; I watched him, trying to maintain my calm. Danny said he wouldn’t leave me until I had to go to work. He promised and I was going to hold him to that.

An awkward silence eased over us. We were the only two in the room not involved in a conversation and I suppose I was to blame for that. My comfort zone had been obliterated and my security blanket was talking about a wild party with the merch manager.

I could feel his nervousness and that made this all worse. I didn’t know what had him so off-kilter, but I wanted to fix it. I just didn’t know how. This is where my self-confidence decide to play nice. From some unknown wellspring, I gathered the courage to make the first move.

“H-how has t-tour been going for you?” I silently cursed myself for stuttering.

Some of his nervousness dissipated. “It’s been okay. After doing this for so many years, the novelty has worn off. Though this tour offered some new sights and sounds. How are you liking it?”

“That’s cool. Uh, this is my first time um touring like this. S-so that novelty’s still there for me. I l-like it though. It’s a break from the monotony I f-faced before.”

“Monotony?”

I nodded. “My l-life was pretty boring before I got this job. I uh lived and worked in a motel. Not much goes on there, contrary to popular belief.”

“Okay. That just made me infinitely happier that you’re here now.” Confused, I looked up, meeting his eyes for the first time. My heart skipped. I wanted to put it down to the fact that I have a heart murmur, but I knew it was his face -- his eyes -- that caused it. The brown of his eyes captivated me. The fact that they were bright with untold joy brought a weak smile to my face. Before I was lost in his stare, his words echoed in my mind.

“Infinitely happier?”

“Yeah,” he blushed lightly. My eyebrows knitted together as the confusion sunk deeper. “I’ve kinda been wanting to get to know you this whole time. I just figured you liked your space, so you didn’t hang around everyone and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You wanted to talk.....to me?” That couldn’t be right. He had never acknowledged me. Surely if he wanted to talk to me, he would have.

“Well yeah. We practically live together. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to invite you out. The only reason I didn’t is because I thought you would bite my head off if I bothered you.”

“Oh...well I’m um not really a people person, but I wouldn’t have been mean to you.” Danny was right. I came off as a snob. For the past month, he’s been trying to convince me that the only reason people didn’t talk to me was because they thought I thought I was too good to talk to them. I told him he was delusional, but judging by what JB just said, I gave off that aura.

“I realized that when I saw you and Danny talking a while back. He explained some things to me that have helped me understand you better.” He smiled at me and it was all I could do to keep hold of my barely there control.

My watch beeped. Had it been two hours already? Danny sliding my phone back into my hand confirmed that it was indeed time for me to get to work. I stood up carefully, not wanting anyone to see the slight tremble my body had acquired. JB stood as well.

“I’ll walk with you to the stage.” Inwardly panicking, I glanced at Danny. He smirked, making a shooing motion with his hand.

“O-okay.” JB smiled brightly before turning to head out the door. He held it open for me. I dropped my head to hide the blush creeping up my cheeks as I passed him. He closed the door quietly behind him. The pace he set was leisurely at best. He obviously wasn’t in a rush to get away from me, which I liked.

“Do you think we can keep talking? After today? I don’t want to go back to how we were.”

This caught me off guard slightly, but I agreed. “I can try. I-I’m not really used to people talking to me. I still jump whenever Danny starts talking to me.”

“Then we’ll take it slow. I don’t want to frighten you. And I promise that whole group thing won’t happen often until you’re ready for it. I think today was mostly for my benefit anyway.”

I wanted to question this, but we had reached the stage. My cameras were set up next to the guitars. This was new. I usually had them in an out of the way spot, hidden so people couldn’t break them or steal them.

I think JB saw my confusion. “I took the liberty of giving you your own area. Hopefully it will help you handle being around a lot of people. And it’ll give us a chance to sorta hang out while we work.” I bit my lip, mumbling a ‘thank you.’ He really does want to be my friend. “Not a problem. I like having you around me; this is my way of getting what I want while keeping you comfortable with the situation. Who knows? Maybe it will move into a more permanent relationship between us.”

I didn’t miss the wink he sent my way as he left. My cheeks were burning from the blush that rose at that act. I turned, ready to lose myself in my work. The thought occurred to me that I was thanking him for more than setting up my cameras. I was thanking him for noticing me. But he didn’t need to know that.