Another Lame Vampire Story
The Only Chapter Ever
It was one long, dull day when she took to her laptop to write. She had the idea to write something epic or sensational by listening to Nirvana all day long and then see what comes out.
That was also the day she had cornflakes for breakfast, cornflakes for lunch, and for dinner she had cornflakes, with an apple or two in-between. She was really sick of cornflakes, but it was all she had that didn’t have to be sautéed or whatever for two hours.
It didn’t work, unfortunately, and instead of getting into a good writing mood she just scribbled some anti-cheerleader drivel which was hilarious. Then, switching off Nirvana, she decided she would turn her mainstream hatred to something else. Yes, vampires. At first she was just going to write a story making fun of all the other bad vampire stories (not True Blood, which is awesome), but she couldn’t be bothered, so instead she just wrote the back cover.
Vampires! Jane is obsessed with them! Going so far as to get fake fangs and shield herself carefully from the sun at all hours, she's as close as you'll get. Or so she believes, until she meets Jacen.
Jacen has shaggy black hair and smoldering eyes. He wears glossy night-blue nail polish and listens to Mozart and Wagner, saying it reminds him of his youth. And also The Cure and Bauhaus. Yes, of course they fall in love right away. He hypnotizes her into it.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jane meets Jacen shortly after graduating tenth year, making for an extremely exciting graduation ceremony! Jacen sweeps her off her feet after she is laughed at by every other student for no particular reason, and they go to his mansion, where they talk all night. By the next morning, they're making awkward jokes about sex, but god forbid anyone under the age of eighteen should have it. This is, after all, written for teenagers. There are no drugs, alcohol, porn, or wild parties, so you may as well stop reading.
Suddenly there is danger! Jacen is being threatened by a jock at the school! Because of the nature of the boy's taunting, and the fact that he’s stronger than Jacen, our vampire feels the only recourse is to quickly kill him. Jane then collapses into her vampire's arms and proposes marriage, which he of course declines, for now.
But now Jane has a question. Jacen didn't drink the boy's blood. He didn't bite him to death either, merely smashed his head in with a brick. Jane begins to wonder about the media's myths about vampires. Finally she approaches Jacen, and discovers that not all vampires drink blood.
When she asks what he means by this, he smiles and stands in front of a mirror, the sunlight shining directly on him. Jane gasps in shock! So Jacen is not a true vampire after all! Jane swears to love him anyway, despite the fact that he committed homicide just hours earlier. Together, they hunt down all the 'normal' children and rape them. But now they find themselves in trouble with the law! The police really believe that they are vampires, and must be executed! Their love is at stake, literally! What can they possibly do?!
Sale now, only $58.99, plus a free Jacen poster!
She finished typing and warily sent it to her reviewer to read. Of course he said it was hilarious or something to that effect. She turned Nirvana back on and took a nap, a good day’s useless work now completed.
That was also the day she had cornflakes for breakfast, cornflakes for lunch, and for dinner she had cornflakes, with an apple or two in-between. She was really sick of cornflakes, but it was all she had that didn’t have to be sautéed or whatever for two hours.
It didn’t work, unfortunately, and instead of getting into a good writing mood she just scribbled some anti-cheerleader drivel which was hilarious. Then, switching off Nirvana, she decided she would turn her mainstream hatred to something else. Yes, vampires. At first she was just going to write a story making fun of all the other bad vampire stories (not True Blood, which is awesome), but she couldn’t be bothered, so instead she just wrote the back cover.
Vampires! Jane is obsessed with them! Going so far as to get fake fangs and shield herself carefully from the sun at all hours, she's as close as you'll get. Or so she believes, until she meets Jacen.
Jacen has shaggy black hair and smoldering eyes. He wears glossy night-blue nail polish and listens to Mozart and Wagner, saying it reminds him of his youth. And also The Cure and Bauhaus. Yes, of course they fall in love right away. He hypnotizes her into it.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jane meets Jacen shortly after graduating tenth year, making for an extremely exciting graduation ceremony! Jacen sweeps her off her feet after she is laughed at by every other student for no particular reason, and they go to his mansion, where they talk all night. By the next morning, they're making awkward jokes about sex, but god forbid anyone under the age of eighteen should have it. This is, after all, written for teenagers. There are no drugs, alcohol, porn, or wild parties, so you may as well stop reading.
Suddenly there is danger! Jacen is being threatened by a jock at the school! Because of the nature of the boy's taunting, and the fact that he’s stronger than Jacen, our vampire feels the only recourse is to quickly kill him. Jane then collapses into her vampire's arms and proposes marriage, which he of course declines, for now.
But now Jane has a question. Jacen didn't drink the boy's blood. He didn't bite him to death either, merely smashed his head in with a brick. Jane begins to wonder about the media's myths about vampires. Finally she approaches Jacen, and discovers that not all vampires drink blood.
When she asks what he means by this, he smiles and stands in front of a mirror, the sunlight shining directly on him. Jane gasps in shock! So Jacen is not a true vampire after all! Jane swears to love him anyway, despite the fact that he committed homicide just hours earlier. Together, they hunt down all the 'normal' children and rape them. But now they find themselves in trouble with the law! The police really believe that they are vampires, and must be executed! Their love is at stake, literally! What can they possibly do?!
Sale now, only $58.99, plus a free Jacen poster!
She finished typing and warily sent it to her reviewer to read. Of course he said it was hilarious or something to that effect. She turned Nirvana back on and took a nap, a good day’s useless work now completed.
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You're welcome.