I'll Tear Down the Stars for You

I slowly closed the door of Emily and Hailey’s bedroom, making sure I was as quiet as possible as to not wake them up from the slumber they had just fallen into. It was their first day in school tomorrow and so I wanted them to be as bright and alert as possible.

Emily and Hailey. The 3rd and 4th children of the Kaulitz family. That’s right. Tom and I have been married now for 10 years and we have 4 children. Megan, who is now 17, Robbie who is 10 and twin daughters Emily and Hailey, aged 6, all grown up well and healthy. I couldn’t be happier with my family either.

In those 10 years, I worked my way up to manager at my old hair salon, only deciding on going my own way and opening up my own hair salon a few months ago. Tom on the other hand is still the ever so talented lead guitarist of Tokio Hotel and is now working on their 5th album, their fan base growing bigger every day.

I couldn’t be happier being married with Tom. If feels just like yesterday that I saw Tom standing at the altar, in a tight tuxedo, his hands twitching at his sides as he watched me walk up the isle with Max, my arm linked with his. Just remembering the spark in Tom’s eyes when he saw me in my wedding dress gives me goosebumps at the thought of it.

I remember my hands in Tom’s as the priest read a passage from the Bible. The majority of it went in one ear and out the other as all I was focusing on was Tom. It felt like it was just Tom and I standing in the church, and when I heard Tom say the two words “I do”, his plump lips curved into a smile, I knew that at that very second, my whole life had been made. He was the icing on the cake.

Tom had been having some problems with this psycho fan who was determined to break Tom and I up, so he said, and I quote, “Let’s get married as soon as possible,” his plan was to get the girl to leave us alone, which it did. Thank God. But it meant getting married sooner, and so Tom insisted on paying for it all to help out Max and Elena. He really is a sweetheart.

But, (yes. There’s always a but in everything) Tom and I have been arguing a lot lately. I don’t know why, but we just seem so... distant at the moment. He’s never at home anyway. He gets up early to go to the recording studio, comes home late, has his tea (which is left in the oven for him to heat up in the microwave himself) and then he’s off out again. He’s not been spending much time with the children, and they’re starting to miss him. A lot. But he just says “I’m out with the guys,” whenever I ask where he goes at night, but, he’s just spent a whole day with them in a small room. Surely he’d want a break from them?

We seem to argue over the most pathetic things, like, what programme we’re going to watch, who puts which twin to bed, who goes where and when. Anything that’s pathetic and not worth arguing over. And as selfish as this sounds, we’ve not had sex in weeks, which is unlike Tom, and I admit it, I miss the sex, but like I said, he’s never home anymore, and when he is, he’s just not interested in me. Why? I have no idea.

I reached the bottom of the stairs and heard the sound of plates clanking against one another in the dishwasher. Or in other words, Tom had just finished his tea, which he had only put in the microwave 10 minutes ago. I guess he’s going out again tonight.

“Did you enjoy your tea tonight?” I asked Tom, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen.

“Yeah,”

“Good. How was recording today?” I was trying to make small talk. A lot like every other day.

“Good. Where are my trainers?” he brushed his shoulder against mine as he walked past me, his spicy scent hitting my nostrils. How I love that smell.

“In the living room? I don’t know. Why’d you take them off if you were going out so soon? Which reminds me. Where are you going at this time?” I followed Tom into the living room, watching him as he picked his trainers up from the middle of the floor.

“Over to Georg’s house,” he shrugged.

“Oh,” it went silent, and let me tell you, I hated it. It was the worst feeling ever. An awkward silence with my husband, Tom Kaulitz, something I never wanted to experience. Why was he acting so distant towards me and the children? Did we do something to upset him or something? “Tom?”

“Hmm?” he glanced up at me and watched as I on the other end of the sofa, but his eyes had soon diverted back to his crystal clean trainers.

“Are you okay?”I shuffled closer to Tom, feeling him stiffen as I sat closer to him as if... as if he didn’t want me to be near him.

“Yeah. Why would you ask that?”

“Because you just seem so... distant. You’re never here anymore, and you never say anything to us anymore. And if you do, it’s just short, simple sentences. Have we done something to upset you? If you have, just tell us. We’ll understand,” I brought my right hand up and placed it on his shoulder, but he only brushed it off with his left hand.

“You’ve done nothing,” he stood up and neatened up his trousers.

“Then explain why you’re so distant towards us! Why are you ignoring your 4, beautiful children? Huh?” I stood up in front of Tom, trying to make eye contact with him, but he just wouldn’t look at me. As if he was afraid to look me in the eye.

“I just feel left out of the family! I’m never here and I feel like the kids love you more, okay?” bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit.

“Tom. If you feel like that, then why do you always go out to the guys house? Why don’t you stay here and play with your children? I can let Hailey and Emily stay up later to spend time with you if that’s what you want,” he didn’t answer me for a while. He just stood on the spot and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. The clock on the wall was ticking away and it sounded to be louder than ever, making me anxious to what Tom was going to say next as each second passed. I knew what he said to me was a lie. Why can’t he just be honest with me? “Tom? Please answer me,”

“I. I have to go. I’m going to be late,” he took a step around me and began to walk towards the living room door, his head still facing the ground.

“No!” I ran over to him and pulled on his arm, making him turn to face me. Sort of. He still wouldn’t look at me. “I know something is up with you, and I know it’s not because you never spend time with the kids. That is your fault, yo-“ I was cut off.

“It was my fault? How? Tell me how it’s my fault? I’m sorry I’m recording an album for my job, Ebony! I’m sorry, but I can’t help that!” Tom screamed at me.

“Tom. Calm down. You’re going to wake the twins up,” I placed my hands over his, but he only jolted his hands away from mine. I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused. He confuses me to no end and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it and he won’t understand because he won’t listen to me, and I don’t even understand why he won’t just listen to me!

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down after you blame me for not spending time with my children! How dare you say that to me!” he screeched, taking a step back from me.

“Tom. If you want to spend time with them, then why don’t you stay in one night and spend time with them? In fact, Ebony’s at home tonight and Robbie is still awake, so why don’t you go spend time with them now instead of going out? Huh?” tears began to brim my eyes as I thought of the worse reasons why Tom doesn’t want to spend time with his children. But the one that got me was because he doesn’t love them. But I know he loves them. He told me. He told me a few weeks ago...

“I. I can’t tonight. I have to go to Georg’s house. It. It’s important,” I raised my eyebrow up at him. Important? Really? Does something important just happen to crop up every day so that he has to go over to their house instead of staying at home and interacting with his own children?

“Oh yeah? I don’t believe you, Tom. Not one single bit. Please, just tell me the real reason to why you don’t want to spend time with us anymore,” I folded my arms across my chest and pouted at him, a single tear rolling down my cheek. I waited for Tom to move his hand up to my face and wipe the tear away and say “I’m sorry. Let’s stay at home”, but I knew that that wasn’t coming anytime soon.

“You want to know the real reason as to why I’m going to Georg’s house tonight?” I nodded my head at Tom, another tear slowly rolling down my cheek.

“I want you to tell me the truth. I’m sick of the lies, Tom. They’re killing me. Fucking killing me and I hate it,” I began to shake as more and more tears strolled down my cheek. Tom grabbed my shoulders and took a step towards me. I stopped breathing. He’s going to kiss me. Everything’s going to be alright...

“...Because I want a divorce.”